I’ve been going to therapy. I used to think that going to therapy was admitting defeat, like I’m stronger than that and that going would be saying that I was too messed up to function in society. But I’m going now and I’m just really happy about it. Happy to get help. Happy to know that the stuck places in my life can get unstuck. Sometimes we just need a little help.

One of my biggest lessons is about how I handle my relationships. I’ve never been very good about this and have become more and more aware of the weird expectations I have in the last couple of years. I tend to give a lot of power to anyone I have any amount of intimacy with and in doing so, give them an extraordinary ability to hurt me.

I’m a pursuer. I’ve been complimented about this by several of my friends, but it’s actually a bad thing for me. If the majority of my relationships are pursued on my end, that sets me up to be rejected. A lot. Rejection is something that’s more easily handled when it comes in small doses, not large quantities.

I expect people to be like me. And to act like me. I believe the morality of the standards I keep for myself is pretty strong. But trying to apply it to other people always leads to my heartache. And it’s not fair. People have different values than I do. Different things are important to them. And accepting that is where I usually fall short. I think we all do this to some extent or another… it’s human nature to love people with the language WE speak. It’s a learned behavior to love people with the language THEY speak. I’m not very good at this.

I always worry about hurting other peoples feelings. Usually to the detriment of my own feelings and usually with a compromise of the truth. Basically I’m bad at confrontation and I avoid any form of the truth that will hurt someone’s feelings.

So basically I’ve got to stop all of this. I think for awhile, while I learn new behaviors, I’ve got to swing all the way in the opposite side of how I currently am, to get myself to a more balanced middle ground. I’m going to completely stop pursuing for awhile. I’m going to remove all expectations from my relationships (this is by far the hardest part for me). I’m going to have to be completely honest and basically let the chips fall where they may. I’m not excited about any of this.

This is going to be really hard. I don’t expect to go through this learning season in my life with very much grace, but I have to learn. Things for me can be really different and much healthier and I feel really happy to have this clarity and to have hope. I feel really happy to have relationships with people who have already extended me a lot of grace and patience as I fumble through how to have a relationship with them.

I know I’ve been totally MIA lately and the best excuse I can give is that
I’ve been totally stuck in my head and really busy… that and my phone
broke and I couldn’t blog via phone.

So to make up for it here’s a pic of my sister’s family and the twinzies
wearing the sweaters I made for them.

The yarn is spud & chloe outer and I modified their pattern into a top down
raglan to avoid seaming with chunky yarn. My mom was kind enough to sew the
zippers in for me.

More to come.

I spent the last several weeks making things for Tangle’s holiday window display. Today I put it all together in a flurry of yoyos, pompoms and new bags. Here are photos of the finished product.

Closeup of the yarn trees we made.

The windows from inside the store

I had been wanting a baby. For like the last year, I really wanted to have another kid. I didn’t know how it would possibly fit into our lives, but I wanted it. And then I didn’t. I think it was when I was hanging out with one of my friends who is the the grips of motherhood right now. She has teeny kids that demand so much of her attention and time and I thought, I’ve paid my dues. Really, I have. I went through the teeny kids who yelled about everything and made messes faster than I could clean them. And now I’ve got kids that are at the perfect age. They are in school, they make their breakfast every morning, dress themselves, do chores (with lots of threats), wipe their own butts, take their own showers and they READ.

This has been my biggest dream with my children: to get them to the point that I can say, please go read your books. I mean really, it’s amazing. The other day I told Honor I would buy him a book at Borders and he was so excited that he told all of his friends at school about it and asked me if I could go buy it and bring it back to school that very minute. He stayed up til 10:30 that night reading (really, how much trouble can a kid get in for reading?) And the next day he chose to STAY IN FROM RECESS so he could read his book. Eden is the same way. I have grown a pair of nerds! It’s the best thing ever!

So at this time where my kids run through the house chasing the dog, repeat the same phrase 50 times, have disasters of rooms and yap non-stop, I’m just deciding to be thankful for the way they are. So much easier than toddlers and, I imagine, so much easier than teenagers too.

*monday: lentil curry with cauliflower and sweet potatoes (I love this!)
*tuesday: mac & cheese for the kids while I’m at a meeting
*Wednesday: sweet potato & chipotle soup
*thursday: potato basil fritatta
*Friday: tortilla pizzas with ricotta and mushrooms
*saturday: ?
*sunday: mixed vegetable curry

Interesting how when Jim is gone I eat vegetarian….

Gosh, I don’t even know where to begin. Its been such a busy past month! I think the best I can muster is a bullet-point, boring list.

*my business partner, Christina, had to go to Germany for a couple of weeks because her father has been really sick in the hospital. I wasn’t too worried about her leaving because i used to run the store all by myself before she came along. That was when our sales volume was way lower than it is now and needless to say, it was a terribly crazy few weeks. I’m thankful Tangle is so super busy, but there were days I wished for things to be slower, I wont lie.

*during that time Jim and I celebrated our 11th anniversary. We had a fun day of shopping and running around together, then dinner in Palisade before Jim’s show at The Livery, Palisade’s local bar. When I worked at Palisade Pharmacy in high school, I used to have to deliver prescriptions to that bar. My dad lives in Palisade so he’s got lots if friends there and he spent the night introducing me to all of them. It was an experience to say the least.

*speaking of my dad and Palisade. He managed to get the mayor recalled in this last election.

*Jim is currently on tour with the Pineapple Crackers. And I’ve been a single parent for seven days now. It’s been going pretty well without him, better than I expected, I’ve just had to be really organized. Jim will be gone for another two weeks. He’s currently in LA and has several shows planned there before he moves up the coast. I’m super jealous that he will be in Portland and Seattle, two places I’ve never been and really want to see. The tour schedule is on their website if you want to see if they will be in your neck of the woods.

*what else? I’m still working out with the trainer twice a week. She currently has me on a 24 day diet/14 day cleanse that hasn’t been setting with me very well. I’m still preserving a ton of food with my friend Amy. Our current obsession is apple sauce and apple cider cardamom butter. (more about our preserving efforts later.) All crafting has been set aside while I work on our holiday window decorations which need to be up by the 18th. I hate how Christmas comes earlier every year, but oh well…

And I think that’s about it!

*Knitting pure and simple pattern
*Mirasol hapi yarn
*Wiener dog that likes to pee on the floor

Eden’s sweater

Originally uploaded by pretendingsanity

I’m making Eden this sweater out of Mirasol hapi which is a thick thin squishy cotton. I went back and forth over striping the sleeves, but I think I’m gonna be happy with having them solid.

*Guinness chocolate cake….um, yes please.

*the kitty and Dexter, who are hilarious together.

*tangle’s new back door

*did I mention honor turned 7? Can you believe I have a 7 and a 8 year old?

•The children set up a little store in our house. Notice how everything Honor is selling is a weapon.

•I turned 29 and got all kinds of great presents (including some I bought for myself.)

•Puppy Dexter is as spoiled as ever and liking his new kitty.

•Some antique store scores

•New fall windows for Tangle (which are way cuter in person if I do say so myself.)

•A few random damask things: Cupcakes for Rickelle’s birthday and Damask Duct Tape from Target.