My darling friends knew just the perfect way to celebrate my new decade and threw me an amazing, beautiful party. We spent the evening eating delicious food and drinking delicious wine. They decorated Amy’s backyard so beautifully – it was such a shame that we had to move the party inside because it got dark and stormy and poured for the rest of the night. But the party was still so much fun!

The end of the night I was surprised with my birthday present. All my friends got together along with my family and the people who work at Tangle and surprised me with a new cruiser bike. I LOVE it – the color is exactly what I would have picked. I will definitely be spending a lot of time riding!

This birthday was the first in 15 years that I haven’t spent with Jim. Where I maybe should have felt a hole by his absence, instead I felt so loved and so full. So complete. I am so completely blessed to have friends and family who care about me. I was so spoiled on my birthday – I’m abundantly thankful.

Last Thursday I turned 30 years old. I’ve had several people ask me how I feel about being 30 as they hold their breath waiting for the answer. This milestone wasn’t hard for me at all. I think partly because nearly all of my friends have already turned 30, and partly because I know that there is something so significant about the timing of my turning thirty and my divorce that will be final in two weeks. I love how my new decade starts with such a fresh start in my life.

This year I decided that I wanted to order myself something significant to commemorate this birthday. I’ve been wanting a new ring – something to symbolize the new start in my life. And something that would serve as a reminder of where I have been. So I had it custom made from etsy and it arrived on my birthday – perfect timing!

I had the inside engraved with a verse from the Bible that has gotten me through heartache.

Isaiah 41:13
For I am the LORD your God
who takes hold of your right hand
and says to you, Do not fear;
I will help you.

It was important to me to wear the ring on my right hand, as a reminder that I am not alone, that God has a plan for me and that it’s good.

Last night I had to take the mandatory co-parenting class that is required to get divorced. One more step forward… It was so sad to sit in a room with 20 or so people who are watching their families be torn apart. This is just not the way things are supposed to be – families are not supposed to be ripped in half.

I have a little less than a month until the divorce is final. And I’ve been thinking a lot about what could be… one last look back I guess. The final tears shed for what I’ve lost.

The one thing that I wrote down from the class last night was this: you move in the direction that you are focused on. I’ve been thinking about what my focus was for the last three years and what it is now. For three years all I could think of is what could be, that maybe Jim would change, that maybe things could be healed, that all I wanted is for things to go back to the way they used to be. When Jim told me he wanted to leave, I was propelled forward. Against my will maybe, but forward. I was forced to look at the world as it was and I was forced to imagine my life being different. That was SO good for me. I started looking at something other than the past and what I was losing and I started seeing the possibilities of what lies ahead. My heart healed so much and so quickly once I started focusing on the future.

Moving forward is such an act of faith, especially when you have been stuck for so long. I still remind myself of the words God whispered to me one morning in the early stages of this: “I know what I’m doing with you.” I clung to those words. I still do. Because I maybe don’t know what I’m doing with myself, but he has a plan.

Now my goal is to decide what that future will look like for me. To choose where I want to go and how I will get there. Never in my adult life have I had the sole decision-making ability over what I want or where I want my life to go. It’s a tall order, but a good one. There is so much freedom in having the power to move your own life. And that’s just what I’m going to do.

The shelves in my dining room:

Honor took a bath with the cat and managed to escape with no scratches – that child I tell you… PS, anyone want a cat?

I’m working on a throw for the living room. The yarn (Berroco Plush), which I love, has been discontinued, so I decided to get it while I could and make a super soft throw. Dexter thinks it’s for him and every time I’m knitting it, he has to be laying under it.

Honor has this tooth that he refuses to pull and it’s so disgusting. Eden nicknamed it his banana tooth because it’s so yellow.

The kiddos started 2nd and 4th grades on Wednesday. They both picked out their first-day-of-school outfits.

Weenie dog has to be right in the middle of everything:

My cousin always cuts Honor’s hair. He is nicknamed the screamy boy at her shop because he is so ridiculous about getting his hair cut.

This is my favorite time of year as far as produce goes. Olathe sweet corn is in abundance, the garden starts to go gang-busters and peaches…oh the peaches! This year my tree gave me a pretty nice crop for being a baby – about 35 peaches. I just love everything peach: cobbler, margaritas, peaches & cream, dried peaches, pie!

Tonight I made brûléed peaches from some of my harvest. It was amazing, and SO easy.

Cut peaches in half, sprinkle 1/4 cup of sugar on a plate. Place the cut side of the peach in the sugar and press to get a good coating of sugar on the peach. Broil until the sugar is bubbly and golden brown 5-10 minutes. (watch closely!) Serve immediately with the very best ice cream. I like haagen daz or bryers.

Last week my friends Seth and Carrie moved into my basement. They make #12 & #13 to live in my basement. S&C have been on this huge adventure since February of this year, traveling all over the country. They were needing a place to keep their stuff while they were on the road and also a place to stay when they are in town so I offered up my basement.

Carrie is one of my dearest friends and someone that I can easily live with. While they have been home this summer, she and Seth have provided SO much community to the kids and I. Something that we are desperately needing at this time in life. Relationships mean so much more when you are constantly living life together.

Seeing them leave yesterday for the next leg of their trip was bittersweet. I know that this trip is such a great opportunity for them – not something they will be able to do once they have kids and a mortgage. But it’s also sad for me to lose a big part of my community, if only temporarily. The lesson that I’m learning is that I need to continue to cultivate a community surrounding me and the kids. That life is meant to be lived together and that it takes a village – for all of us.

I’ve been having this ongoing battle with Eden over keeping her hair clean. She is not a big fan of showers and getting her to take one was always a big fight. That was until I came up with the brilliant idea to bribe her. At the beginning of the summer I told her that she could get a feather in her hair if she could take responsibility for caring for her hair. She has done a great job showering nearly every day and brushing her hair. I’m a genius!

Today she got to get her feathers and was SO excited. Isn’t she cute?

Something occurred to me yesterday:

I’ve been surviving, not living.

And as I’ve spent my time holding on, I’ve forgotten about my extraordinary ability to make things happen. And now I feel like my crazy 20’s are about to end – that time in life where I was too young to know any better. Too young to know that I was taking ridiculous risks or working to make the impossible happen.

Those years are gone – lost. And while there was value in that time – time I used to get myself in order and face my heart – I now have to account for it, how it was spent. I feel like I’ve been wasting time. I’m 34 days away from turning 30 and my life has been moving in front of me as I stood still.

I cannot live any more of my life standing still – surviving.

I do not get to waste any more time.

I’m ready to start moving again. I’m ready to start making things happen. I’m ready to tell an amazing story with my life. The best part is that I can.

Yesterday was the official last day of my cleanse. I didn’t end up following the diet very well because my blood sugar couldn’t handle it. By day five all I could do was lay on the couch – my body was begging for protein. So I gradually started adding beans and lean proteins in. By the end of the cleanse, I was eating low-fat dairy, lean meats, beans, nuts, fruits and vegetables. The diet without any proteins was undoable for me, but with the proteins it was totally doable and I plan to continue on it. In the last 15 days, I’ve lost 5lbs. Which is a feat for my body that likes to hang onto every ounce.

I think the 5 day fruits and veggies only was a great way to get myself off sugar and junk foods and back onto a better eating plan. I feel healthy and energetic and am finally not craving grains.

On Monday baby Gunnison was born. We were all convinced that he was a girl, so he was quite the surprise. But as soon as I saw him in the hospital with his mama (my dear friend Rickelle) I thought, of course he’s a boy. He is just perfect. Now I have to figure out how to transform his quilt into something more boyish.

On Tuesday I got to spend some time with Carrie and Danielle before Carrie headed out on her next big adventure. Carrie didn’t win her contest – and it all seems a little fishy. I believe it was rigged. (Thank you all who voted for her.) So we had a little retail therapy at Pollux and then ate at one of my favorite downtown restaurants (il Bistro) before wandering up and down Main Street. I’m on Main Street nearly every day, but with that familiarity it has not lost it’s charm. I especially love it at night.

Wednesday I went to my first City Council meeting. I recently started serving on the board for the Downtown Association so I’m starting to get interested in the workings of the city. My friend Amy was speaking before the city council, so I thought it would be a good time to go observe. It was fascinating. I was so surprised that the meeting begins with a prayer by a local pastor. Many people in this town think it’s run by a good ole boy’s club – I’m not sure if that’s true, but it makes me want to get right in the middle of it and stir things up.
On Wednesday Eden also left for camp for 4 days.

Thursday Brooke helped me take my old couch to the landfill. I felt SO guilty about taking it there but because the evil (horrible) cat scratched it so badly, no one would take it. The landfill is SUCH an interesting place. We spent the rest of the day cooling off at the lake.

The rest of the week was spent preparing for Tangle’s big 5th birthday sale and finishing up the Fall Class schedule. (See Spud above, one of our classes.) Can you believe that I’ve had Tangle for 5 years? The time has gone so fast! We had a wonderful sale on Saturday, the biggest day ever. I’m so thankful that Tangle is such a success – I can’t imagine what my life would be like if I didn’t get to spend my days surrounded by yarn and fabric and wonderful people.