Today I am tired. I’m tired of dealing with the consequences of a choice I didn’t make and a life I didn’t want. I’m tried of walking into my kid’s school and feeling like a failure and feelingjudged because I can’t fit a full amount of parenting into half the time. I’m tired of not having my kids all the time, sending them to their dad’s @thegotogirl might have just shushed some high schoolers.house when they’re hurting or struggling, not knowing if they will be taken care of the way I want them to be.

I’m tired of paying for the fact that I counted on someone to keep his word both during and after marriage, and I’ve been constantly let down. I’m frustrated that there are ties that I can’t just walk away from when all I want to do is walk away. Cut the ties. Be finished. And get to move on.

I’m just so tired of things being hard.

After lecturing learnedly on miracles, a great theologian was asked to give a specific example of one. “There is only one miracle,” he answered. “It is life.” Have you wept at anything during the past year? Has your heart beat faster at the sight of young beauty? Have you thought seriously about the fact that someday you are going to die? More often than not do you really listen when people are speaking to you instead of just waiting for your turn to speak? Is there anybody you know in whose place, if one of you had to suffer great pain, you would volunteer yourself? If your answer to all or most of these questions is No, the chances are that you’re dead. (Wishful Thinking-Fredrick Buechner )

via Rob Bell

This is why Jesus talked about serving so much: serving is about what kind of center of gravity you have. Some people only think about themselves, and so their center of gravity is as big as they are. Their life, then, isn’t that interesting because it’s only as big as they are. But when you give and love and serve and commit to the well being of others, you are now connected to them and your center of gravity expands. You are filled with life and your heart is opened as your life becomes larger.

—Rob Bell from part 47 of his super interesting series on the Bible

My friend, Amy, got this recipe from her friend, Linde. It’s easy, super-fast and delicious. I made a sextuple batch for my Good Samaritan Clinic Staff Christmas party and served it in a huge, electric roaster and it was a huge hit. We added a few cans of cannellini beans to stretch it a bit further too.

I wait to season the soup til the end because the salt and spices from the sausage take a little time to release and it’s easy to get it too salty.

Cook time: about 15min. Serves 4-6

1lb. bulk spicy italian sausage
1 large onion, chopped
1 bunch swiss or rainbow chard, washed well and chopped
1 box low sodium chicken broth
2 cans artichoke hearts, drained and halved (not the marinated kind)

In a large stock pot, brown the sausage with the onion and drain the fat from the pan. Add the chicken broth, 2 cups water, and chard. Bring to a boil and reduce to a simmer until the chard is soft (this is where you can add a can of cannellini beans, drained and rinsed). Season with salt and pepper and serve! The soup is even better the next day.

There’s this great organization called TWLOHA and it stands for: To Write Love On Her Arms. I love that thought, writing in red sharpie on someone’s arm how much they are loved and cherished. Sharpie so it takes a long time to fade, so they can have a daily reminder.

TWLOHA is dedicated to presenting hope and finding help for people struggling with depression, addiction, self-injury and suicide. And I LOVE their vision.

They believe that we are created to love and be loved.

I was reading this on a recent blog post of theirs and it struck me so deeply:

Because this life is worth living. Because you are loved and made to be loved and made to give love and to experience a thousand wonderful things.

I think that does it for me. That sums up the meaning of life in one sentence. We were made to love and be loved.

What a privilege.

A is for Art
Remember those days of colors?
B is for Bike
Think of the wind on your face.
C is for Cat
Sugar would shed all over the place.
D is for Dawn
when we were awake.
E is for Everything
that was put up to stake.
F is for Fun
days that we had.
G is for Great
just like our dad.
H is for Home
even if it is lost.
I is for Impossible
the amount of our cost.
J is for Jumping
on the old pogo stick.
K is for Kicked
a humorous trick.
L is for Love
that filled our hearts.
M is for More
ice cream from karts.
N is for No
you can’t have my toys.
O is for Opening
cabinets with noise.
P is for Pill
I don’t know how Honor does it.
Q is for Quake
as we slam the door of a closet.
R is for Racing
down the old street.
S is for Special
yes, you. You and me.
T is for Trouble
remember that corner?
U is for Unicorn
you guys made me think it was a goner.
V is for Vacation
think of our summer.
W is for Wonder
of neighborhood new comers.
X is for marking the the spot
with the old house’s treasure.
Y is for Yes
for worse or for better
And Z is for Zipping
up those old winter coats, as we stare at the snow and dream of good days and warm hot cocoa.

And now we are finished.
There’s no more to tell,
so don’t ask me of things
that already fell.
We are broken.
We are sad.
But we can make happiness last
because we’ll remember the story of our overturned past.

“It’s a story as old as time, told in a million different ways: We are our own antagonists, desperate for wholeness yet bent toward self-destruction. And still, God comes back for us.

It’s a story worth telling in as many imperfect, broken versions as we can.

And mine is one of them.”

–Addie Zierman (read the whole text here)

My favorite homemade gifts I gave this year were tea towels that I made out of one of my grandma’s recipes. I saw the idea on pinterest last year but didn’t have time to order the custom-printed fabric. After I cleaned up the recipe in Illustrator and sent it off to Spoonflower, the project was a quick one. Spoonflower didn’t print the fabric quite as straight as I had expected, but overall, I’m super happy with their linen/cotton blend. My family was THRILLED with the towels and I love them too. It seems super appropriate to have my grandmas handwriting hanging in my kitchen, reminding me of where I’ve come from.

Josh and I also made cutting boards for Christmas gifts. This was another project that I had planned for last year but needed a little help in the tool department to pull off. The wood is Pacific Island Maple and I think it’s beautiful. My favorite boards were the one’s with the most flaws. I still have a few in the basement that need sanding (not a small job) and I need to get down there and finish up one for me! I think part of what made these great was the coat of wood butter that I polished into each one. The wood butter was easy to make up and small jars of it made the perfect accompaniment to the cutting boards.

I also made sweaters for my nephews (although the sweater for the new baby is still in progress…ahem.)

And the kids teachers got jars of Peach Lavender Butter that Amy and I had the foresight to make this fall. (I just LOVE that recipe from Canning & Preserving by Ashley English.

Monday
out and hot springs date

Tuesday
huevos rancheros

Wednesday
?

Thursday
Eggplant pizzas with (the very best) Boars head pepperoni

Friday
lentil and sausage soup

Saturday
yellow curry with chicken, green beans and acorn squash
(I get this yellow curry powder from Savory in Denver that is JUST amazing and makes the very best yellow curry!)

Sunday
the very best Pot Roast