Monday
Pasta with shrimp and radishes

Tuesday
Takeout from Pollo Azado (mmmmm)

Wednesday
Grilled chicken sausages and veggie salad

Thursday
Fend for yourself

Friday
Brazilian black beans with rice and grilled chicken

Saturday
Breaded tilapia pan fried in olive oil, spinach salad

Sunday
Roasted free range chicken and garlic, fingerling potatoes, steamed veggies

I’ve been living my life in phases. Currently I’m in the experiences and participating phase. I feel like I’ve been living my life so backwards. First I was married and had kids, now I’m dating and living with roommates. I’m just soaking up every experience I can. I feel like so much of my past life was lived asleep and now that I’m awake to the world, feeling so alive, I want to gobble it all up… everything I can. So I’m learning about sports and learning to fly fish and reminding myself that I CAN do things when before I didn’t think I could. I’m deciding if I like shrimp and ribs and colorful skinny jeans and long hair. And when experiences turn out not as good as I want (dudes, if you invite a girl out to coffee, ALWAYS PAY FOR IT) I remind myself that I still had the experience. I now know what that feels like, for a little while I got to live it. Carrie always reminds me that each experience is just material for my (someday) book.

I don’t say NO very much (participating) because now is the time to try things and saying NO takes away people’s chance to welcome us into their hearts. So we celebrate holidays we’ve never celebrated. The kids went on their first-ever Easter egg hunt last weekend because I wanted them to try it and see what they thought. (They are having a little bit of hard time wrapping their head around this new phase of life.) And we go hiking and we light campfires in the back yard even though the dudes aren’t around and we clean up the yard by ourselves (because we CAN) and I sit in church all by myself (and find out that it’s one of my favorite things to do alone). And I learn to live in community, to let people lift me and the kids up when I can’t do it all.

I feel proud of myself for being a little bit brave. For wanting to try new things and not fearing the inevitable failure that might come. I feel so thankful that I am so awake, so alive. That I SEE the world around me and that I’ve found a way to be SO content in the life I live RIGHT NOW. That I’m not really wishing for much because what I have is pretty great. That I am whole and enough and loved. And that there is so much more out there to experience!

On Sunday Carrie and I threw a baby shower for our dear friend Danielle who is expecting her first baby, a boy. We hosted the shower at Tangle (which is a great place to have parties!) and it was so much fun!

Mama Danielle looking beautiful.

the goodies lined up on the counter

We served everything on stacks of old china. My collection is ever-growing.

Our color theme was aqua and orange.

Everyone, young and old, is always impressed with chocolate covered marshmallows.

Fruit filled waffle cones are one of my most favorite things in the world.

The straws are from Shop Sweet Lulu.

mason jar’s are my favorite

I didn’t get to take pictures of Danielle opening her presents from me so she was kind enough to send these to me. A camo baby sweater with my signature orange stripe.

And a super soft blanket made from a plush yarn.

There’s a sign in the gym, above the weights, that says:

You’re getting stronger.

I usually don’t pay much attention to the signs at the gym as I think they are really cheesy, but I can’t count how many times I’ve been struggling to do my last bicep curl and my eyes focused on that sign and I believed it. I can’t count how many times I’ve been at the gym, with a hurting heart, and my gaze wandered over to that sign.

You’re getting stronger.

and I believed it.

I’ve spent a lot of time in my life being unkind to myself.  Wishing my thighs were smaller or my stomach was flatter or my eyelashes were longer… that I was a nicer person, more friendly or that I could be outgoing and charming in a room full of strangers.  I’m not exactly sure how it happened, but somewhere in the midst of accepting that my husband was leaving me, I learned to give myself a little bit of a break. I started appreciating my body for the curves that it has and I started really believing in my creative abilities, that they were something special.  I started liking the person that I was, seeing what other people saw, that I was fun to be around and actually pretty amazing. It’s amazing how much easier life is when we treat ourselves with kindness.

So I continue this practice of believing. When somebody pays me a compliment, I believe them.  When a friend admires a strength that I possess, I believe them. And when the sign at the gym tells me I’m getting stronger, I believe it.  Because, after all, it’s true.

In child birth classes they try to teach you to work with the contractions, to embrace them and let them wash over you. All I remember from child birth was fighting that pain tooth and nail, bracing myself against the hospital bed as each contraction came. All I remember from the majority of my life is fighting the pain tooth and nail too.

The week Jim told me he wanted to leave was horrible. The shock, the fear, the rejection, the pain. I remember holding all of those huge feelings at arms length for fear that I would sink so far into them that I wouldn’t be able to get back out. I was so, so afraid of feeling what his leaving me meant. It wasn’t until I started therapy, two years later, that I learned to work with the pain, to let it wash all over me and to feel everything. (And dammit, once I decided I was going to feel, I determined to feel the shit out of every single feeling that came.) It’s amazing how once you decide that you’re not going to fight the pain anymore, you start to heal so much faster. I lived with this festering wound for years and as soon as I decided to face it, it immediately started healing. (Now there’s barely a scar. It’s amazing how these memories are getting blurry with distance and healing.)

Here’s the thing about pain: It’s not like fear which is completely irrational and without any value whatsoever. Pain has a purpose. I believe it to be one of life’s greatest teachers and I think that’s why God doesn’t much care if we are in pain or not, because he 1. knows we can handle it and 2. knows that it is his very best tool. Actually I think that God hates seeing us in pain, but he allows and even welcomes it in our lives because he knows that sparing us the pain would rob us of the lessons pain brings.

The only way I could have gotten here – so happy and alive and whole – is because of the pain. There was no other way to learn these lessons. I had to feel it, see it, accept it and embrace it. And it was so, SO worth it.

Cards to hand out to our patients at the Good Samaritan Clinic when they’re on their way out the door.  Last week I was in charge of running the clinic and it went so great! It was a lot of work and a lot of pressure on me, but I’m proud to have pulled it off. Also proud to have helped 36 people get healthcare!

The kids spent nearly all of spring break in the backyard constructing a fort. I let them use power tools which may not have been the best plan.

all of our spring yarn is in at Tangle

I got to babysit Gunnison and went on a walk with him in the Ergo carrier. If I ever have another child, I will definitely get one of these.

blurry Eden with her new iPod touch (she spent all of her birthday money on it. I think it’s a little ridiculous for a 10 year old to have an iPod touch, but the alternative was a Nintendo DS and I thought this would last her longer.)

The yard sale queens at it again.

It’s hard to tell from this picture, but this is 4 folding tables and about 15 chairs packed into my Xterra. amazing.

Take two on the fort

Dexter ripped off one of his toenails, so to stop the bleeding (lots of bleeding) we had to bandage him up and put a cone on him. Here he is looking very pathetic under a quilt.

The twinzies came for a visit. I can’t believe how big they are getting!

Monday
Family Dinner – kebabs with bratwurst, cherry peppers, bell peppers, onions and mushrooms. Baked beans, coleslaw.

Tuesday
out!

Wednesday
salad with everything

Thursday
Tacos

Friday
Chicken & Kale with lentils

Saturday
Tilapia with Quinoa

Sunday
Shrimp with pasta, radish greens & radishes

Monday
chicken salad (with green grapes and tarragon) sandwiches

Tuesday
out with friends

Wednesday
beer braised sausages with red potatoes

Thursday
salad with everything

Friday
italian sausages with polenta and marinara

Saturday
?

Sunday
shredded chicken tacos

About once a week we have “Salad with Everything” for dinner. Everyone in the house love it, especially if it’s topped with bacon!

My friend Ivy owns a great clothing store here in town called Pollux. This outfit was on their mannequin outside the store and I couldn’t help but try it on. I didn’t buy it because I have no clue where I would wear it, but it was so fun to try on.

I’ve been taking a lot of walks lately and my outfits keep getting more and more silly. My friend Rickelle told me that I looked like a mom with my nike’s and skinny jeans… sad but true.

Same outfit as I was wearing in these pictures but 20lbs less.

Dexter has been especially frustrating lately. He refuses to pee outside unless we make him use his dog door, so I spend my days cleaning up lots of puddles… so frustrating for a 2 year old dog.

My tiger lilies poking their finger up through the ground.

Graffiti on Tangle. Not sure why anyone would want to tag a yarn store? But at least it was on the window and pretty easy to remove.

silly picture of me in the new glasses I ordered

upside down Gunni

“No girl who plays the role of a hero dates a guy who uses her.”
From my favorite book, “A Million Miles in a Thousand Years” by Donald Miller.

Basically, at this point, everyone groans when I come up with a new idea for our windows. They seem to be getting more and more labor intensive. But… I kinda think it’s worth it.

We created these giant pinwheels out of knitting magazines. The large took 16 pages and the small took five pages. I also sewed new curtains out of Anna Maria Horner’s newest line.

Big thanks to Carrie for helping me pull the whole thing off.