i carry your heart with me (i carry it in
my heart) i am never without it (anywhere
i go you go, my dear; and whatever is done
by only me is your doing, my darling)

i fear no fate (for you are my fate, my sweet) i want
no world (for beautiful you are my world, my true)
and it’s you are whatever a moon has always meant
and whatever a sun will always sing is you

here is the deepest secret nobody knows
(here is the root of the root and the bud of the bud
and the sky of the sky of a tree called life; which grows
higher than soul can hope or mind can hide)
and this is the wonder that’s keeping the stars apart

i carry your heart (i carry it in my heart)

-e.e. cummings

[can you tell what movie I just watched?]

Look what came in the mail yesterday!! Oh, Blingo, how I love you!

The side view, isn’t it so tiny?

I also wanted to thank you all for your input on yesterdays post. I guess I was a little surprised that so many of you felt the same way as I did. It is sort of sad! So many people are looking for a “spiritual home” and none of us have found it yet. I’m going to keep pondering this and will probably have more to say in the coming weeks.

Me: “Don’t hit me with your head, it hurts my little boob.”

Eden: “That’s not a little boob, it’s a big boob.”

Today is the first day of the Feast of Unleavened Bread. We ate Matzos for breakfast. Enough said.

With yesterday being Passover, we felt some sort of compulsion to go to church. It was unfortunate because I was starting to be proud of my heathen streak. I think the last time I went to church was December 5th. With this trip to church and Jim’s attendance at some special services last week we have been having some church related thoughts:

1. We feel like we should have the kids in church. I don’t know if the motivation behind this thought is because we feel like it’s the thing to do? Or if we feel guilty because we aren’t going? Or because Eden, especially, enjoys going. My current theory is that we feel guilty for not having them in church and I wonder if I even want them exposed to the culture that is church? (see thought #3.)

2. If we go back to church, we’d actually have to find a church that we both like. This has proven to be no easy feat. I’ve got my list of things I want in a church and I think that Jim mostly agrees with them. But even so, agreeing on a church will be… difficult, if nothing else. But I think this all boils down to thought #3.

3. I don’t like church. I have been to churches that I liked; at least when I was there I liked them. But being at church last night sort of slammed a thought into my mind. I don’t like it. Life isn’t always about what we like. But, man, if I have to go, I want to like church. First, I think that I should say that I love God. A lot. But in my mind church does not equal God. And I wonder, is church what He intended it to be?

With church comes this whole Christian sub-culture full of politics and “hallelujah’s” and weeping and waving and judging and less-than-excellence and closed-thinking and religion without a Biblical base and insincerity and boredom. This sub-culture is practically it’s own political party. And I don’t belong in it. It’s not to say that the individual people who are involved are any of these things, I was sincere when I was part of it (yet I was also all of those things), but I speak about the group, the culture as a whole. I realize that something has changed in me and I just do not belong anymore. I feel like if I tried, I would be faking it. And I feel guilty for thinking any of this.

So I suppose that leads to the question, Can you still be a Christian but reject the sub-culture that comes with it? And if you reject the sub-culture, how do you find contentment at church? It seems terribly deluded to think that I could actually find a place that thinks the same as me? I suppose what I want is an un-church. And I suppose that it doesn’t exist.

4. I think I’m starting to realize that I was hurt worse than I thought by our last church experience. I need to work it out in my mind and get over it and let time heal the hurt. Sometimes these things don’t happen quickly, even when you want them to.

So where does this leave us? Not anywhere really. But at least we have some thoughts to mull over as we much our matzos.

She came and got daddy and said, “Look, I made you out of playdoh.” (All by herself. You might need to click to see the detail.)

And look, her first ponytail.

I’m hoping that it was fixed so quickly that no one noticed that my website got hacked this morning. But if you did, don’t worry, I’m back and have worked out all the kinks (I think) with changing up all the passwords. Thankfully, nothing was lost.

Honor visited his Orthapedic doctor today. She was really happy with the way he walked in his brace and told us to keep up what we’re doing. It was good to know that it’s working, and he’s really at the point where he doesn’t even fight getting it put on anymore.

Yesterday I went back to the dentist. My tooth gave me a short reprieve over the weekend but then started hurting again on Sunday. My suspicion that it was still infected was confirmed by another x-ray. The dentist started me on another type of antibiotic in hopes that I can save the tooth. I’m trying very hard to remain positive about it, but it’s been pretty easy to be depressed about the whole thing. I can try to have surgery on it if the infection doesn’t go away, but that’s still no guarantee that the tooth will make it. Boo. But that’s right, I’m thinking positive, being negative won’t do any good. At least I’ve still got a stock of Vicodin… right?

I whipped up the second wristlet over the last couple of evenings. I’m teaching this on Saturday and just writing up the pattern today. The pattern is loosely inspired by a couple other wristlet patterns out there. I actually really ended up liking these. And what’s better than pima cotton and silk? Not much, I say.

I’m finally whittling away at my list of knitting projects. (Although I’ve got quite the list of new things piling up in my mind – partially thanks to the shipment of books we just got in the store.)

I finally finished this sweater I started in February for my friend Brooke, who is due next month.

The yarn is Rowan All Seasons Cotton and the pattern is a Knitting Pure and Simple pattern (#241) that is wonderfully easy.

I also finished a shawl I’ve been working on for my mom’s birthday… March 17. Oops. I’ve concluded that shawls are impossible to photograph, so here is a disappointing photo of it. Really it’s fresh and modern and has an amazing drape. I’ve got some yarn to make one for myself too.

The yarn is Rowan Linen Print – 7 balls
Pattern is from the store, it’s called the Purl Shawl. Yep, all purling baybee!

Next on my list is finalizing a pattern for a class I’m teaching on Saturday and finishing up a baby sweater pattern that I’m teaching in a few weeks. What a busy life I lead…

No one could ever accuse him of being graceful.

(I’m trying not to make every single post this week a “whine about my tooth post.” Just a little update though: Yesterday the dentist gave me some heavy duty drugs which knocked me out without doing much for the pain. They started to at least take the edge off the pain last night. Today I’m surviving, I actually just got to eat my first real meal all week. Hopefully I will continue to improve.)

I’ve been thinking a lot about a few rude comments I received last night on one of my posts. As long as such judgementalism about my parenting skills doesn’t come from people I know and care about, it doesn’t really bother me. But I guess it made me think about being open minded.

When a person sets their mind to think a certain way, they don’t leave open the possibility that there is more than one right way to do something. They don’t realize that they may not know all the facts. It’s easy to have an idea of how you think another person should parent, especially easy when you haven’t been a parent yourself. But I guess the thing I find most amusing is that the comments came from people who are a members of a “child-free” group. They demand that no one tell them that they should have children. So why waste so much time belittling someone who has made a different choice than they have? I guess that being child-free affords these people extra time on their hands to come harass me.
Why must there be only one way of thinking?

The numbness has worn off and I’m in pain. And I shouldn’t be. It’s not quite the pain that I had Sunday, but a pain that Vicodin won’t touch, nonetheless. I’m gong back to the dentist in about 45 minutes. YAY.