My friend, Brooke, is the biggest football fan I know… which is saying something! She’s always been a Peyton Manning fan, so you can imagine her absolute glee when she found out he was going to be playing for the Broncos. She is also extremely proud that I’ve become a football fan and I’ve learned a lot about the game from her. Earlier this month she asked me if I’d like to go to a game with her and I, of course, agreed! We had a great time, driving over the mountains (with lots of Starbucks stops) and the game was AMAZING! I got such a kick out of all the fans… there is nothing like being surrounded by 75,000 like-minded people! After the win, we walked out of the stadium, giving high-fives to random people as we left. The cheering was so loud that it left my ears ringing! It was such a fun day with one of my best buddies! Here are a few pics from the trip:

Vail

Mile High is a beautiful stadium

Pizza at BeauJo’s in Idaho Springs after the game

Idaho Springs

Idaho Springs

October 12, 2012
Shiny jeans – Target, Black tank – target, Long necklace – Pollux, short necklace – Light Gives Heat, gold chains worn as bracelet – H&M, Boots – Charlotte Russe

October 18, 2012
Boots – Steve Madden, Belt – Pollux, Dress – clearance find from Target, earrings – Pollux

a local photographer came into the store the day I was wearing this and took these pics:

October 19, 2012
Sweater, necklace, earrings and printed, striped jeans – Pollux, ruffled boots – Charlotte Russe

Dress – my mom bought me at Kohls several years ago… it was always too long so I cut it off and it ended up being a little too short….ooops, Tights – Target, boots – Charlotte Russe, Necklace – H&M, Earrings – a gift from a friend who bought them in China

October 24, 2012 the last warm day
Dress – Pollux, ruffled boots – Charlotte Russe, scarf – actually a vest I made from a rectangle of jersey fabric.

This was the first Octoberfest that I actually had off so the kids and I took Dexter downtown for the Weenie Dog Races. He failed terribly, more interested in sniffing the other dogs than in running, but we all had a good time and it was fun to see how many dachshunds there are in town.

10.4.12
Miz mood heels (last season), printed jeans from Pollux, black boyfriend-cut tee shirt from Target, Crystal necklace from ModCloth, Gold Chains necklace from H&M worn as bracelet, army jacket that I’ve had since high school.

10.9.12
polka dot pencil skirt – gap, lace up back tuxedo shirt – pollux, black leggings – Target, ruffled combat boots – Charlotte Russe, Leather-look moto jacket – Target, gold chains necklace – H&M

One year ago today I got divorced. I had to look up which day it was which I think is a pretty telling sign of how much I’ve healed. I don’t even think about my past life or husband and sometimes someone will mention something about Jim and it shocks me… oh yeah, I was married.

This last year hasn’t looked anything like I expected it to. I generally liked my life before and was wanting so badly to get back what I lost that I thought God would just fix that for me and I could get back on track right away with a replacement husband. I thought I’d immediately start dating someone who would turn into my future husband and life would just be easy and wonderful and I could pick up where I left off 4 years ago. Instead God had some things to teach me and over these last months he’s gently been telling me that I can’t just get back what I lost… that I have to start looking and believing for something new. Something that will shock me a little.

I always joke with my friends that I’m living my life backwards. I got married and had kids, THEN I was single, started dating and had roommates. Dating and being single in general has been such an interesting experience for me because it’s something I’d never done before… also because nearly every one of my friends is not in this life stage with me. I’m the only one and I’m pretty sure I provide lots of entertainment for them. Over this last year I’ve gone out with lots of dudes, some of them pretty wonderful and lots of them not-so pretty wonderful. Entertaining IS a good word to describe it. But now I have such a clear picture of exactly what I want. I’ve been surprised by things that I never knew I wanted, things that I now know I can’t live without…so much so that it kind of scares me that I’ll never be able to have it.

Trust has been, as always, the cornerstone of my existence. Any time that I start to find myself in a downward spiral, I realize that I’m not trusting the plan that God has for me. Now more than ever, I realize that I have NO CLUE what the next year will look like. What will I be writing a year from now? It could be ANYTHING. I see how good this uncertainty has been for me. I’m the one who always has to know the plan, and see twelve steps ahead. And I don’t get to do that right now. And that’s exactly what I need.

Over this last year I’ve developed some really deep friendships. Even though I was married for 12 years, I never knew true intimacy. Through these friendships I’ve learned intimacy. I’ve learned to lay myself wide open and let people see all the scary corners of me. I’ve learned to take risks in safe relationships and let myself be known. And I’ve learned how to seek that same openness in others. I’ve allowed myself to depend on community without the all-consuming need that could never be filled. (That’s because everything I really need is within me.)

Being a single parent is still something that I forget that I am. And the really weird thing is that even Jim isn’t a single parent. I would have never thought he would be the first one to be un-single. When things get hard my friends have to remind me, yes, you’re a single parent… this should be hard. But the kids and I are finding our ways though and overall things work pretty smoothly and everyone is doing pretty well.

This year hasn’t been without pain and the consequential lessons that come from pain, but it’s been nothing like the years prior. There is a rich thread of hope that weaves it’s way through every day of my life that wasn’t there before. And there is this deep seated knowledge of who I am and what I can do that gives me such comfort and peace. Pain is always necessary for change and learning and I now welcome it (mostly anyway).

This year also hasn’t been without great joy, a multitude of shining moments that I will always treasure. Mostly because I have come into my true self so wholly. Life is open to me in ways it’s never been and I just gobble it up with a voracity that can’t be quenched. I just want to live more and more life and it has been so amazing to be able to do it, on my terms, whenever I want!

What I know is that this last year has been so full. There’s only been a small handful of hard moments compared to the dump truck of good ones. I continue to be surprised over and over again at the path my life has taken and just how GOOD it is. I went into this with eyes wide open, ready for whatever came and it’s all been so amazing. I’ve learned to embrace the seasons of my life, knowing that they will be fleeting, never to be had again. I’ve learned to embrace pain and the lessons it brings as well as treasure every good moment. It feels so cheesy to say that I’ve had a second chance at life, but I really have. Life is new to me in every way and I couldn’t feel more like God knows exactly what he’s doing with me. And that is such a relief!

Who knows what will happen next, but I’m excited for what that might be…

My friend Lisa has been bugging me to post pictures of what I wear everyday. I think it’s a fun idea, but I hesitate because it makes me feel really narcissistic to post a bunch of pictures of myself on the internet! But what I’ve discovered is that taking pictures of what I’m wearing makes me think about my clothes a little more and branch out from my usual black tank top and jeans. So I’ll try this for awhile and see how it goes! There aren’t a lot of great shopping options here in GJ so you’ll see most of my clothes from the same handful of stores.

Sept. 25th
Olive green dress from Pollux a couple of years ago • grey tights • Charlotte Russe ruffled combat boots • necklace handmade by Ivy at Pollux

Sept. 27th – meetings
Black pencil skirt from Pollux • polka dot blouse from Target • Shoes Jeffery Campbell (my fav) • necklace & earrings from Pollux

Sept. 27th – kicking around town
Striped Jeans, flowy shirt, lace cami, necklace – Pollux • black Toms

Sept. 28th
destroyed jeans – Victoria’s Secret • dress & necklace – Pollux • Miz Mooz flats

October 2
pink top – H&M • shiny leather-look jeans – Target • necklace – Pollux • Miz Mooz heels

My set of Bronco’s hats. It’s been fun knitting these during games and I’m excited to be selling the pattern on Tangle’s website.

My new shiny pants

Getting ready to run the clinic.

I live just 10 minutes from the Colorado National Monument. It was beautiful in the rain.

Honor turned 9.

And Dexter turned 3.

And I learned how to play a G chord.

We watched the Bronco’s game in the garage.

And it was super fun.

Brian and I ran over to Denver to grab some stuff at Ikea and the Apple store for the church.

I woke up on my 31st birthday in Cimarron. What a place to wake up in on your birthday! Brian got the whole staff and the whole YWAM staff to sing to me at breakfast and after we finished our morning session, we all packed up and headed home. I hadn’t had service up in Cimarron for a couple of days, so as we came off the mountain, my phone started blowing up with voicemails and texts and Facebook messages… nothing makes me feel more loved than being remembered on my birthday. We stopped in Montrose on our way home for coffee and wandered around Main Street for a couple minutes before heading home.

As soon as I got home I started cooking. I had 4 hours to make dinner for 50 people and get the rest of my house in order. Thankfully Rickelle and Brian came over to help me pull it all together and I got three soups and a giant salad made just in time for my friends to start arriving. I put several tables end to end in my back yard with white table cloths and served the soups in the kitchen buffet style.

Soup is one of my very favorite meals so I almost always have it for my birthday. This year I made Chicken Posole, Broccoli Corn Chowder with Bacon, and Artichoke Sausage Soup. I asked everyone to either bring bread or wine and we had some delicious selections of both.

I had 28 adults and 18 kids in my backyard to celebrate my birthday that night and it was just perfect. I had so much fun catching up with friends I hadn’t seen in awhile and connecting to new friends too. Thanks to Lisa for taking all the photos!

a small selection of the kiddos that were there!

Brooke is SO beautiful.

Kev & Sarah

My Collection of Anthropologie plates

reading my cards by candlelight

packed backyard

Soup buffet

I spent last weekend with the church staff at the YWAM base in Cimarron, Colorado. We spent a couple intense days working on the vision of the church, talking about where we’re going and how to get there. I felt so honored to be there, representing my department – the Good Samaritan Clinic – with such an amazing team. The thing that I love over and over again about my church is how real it is, how each person on staff is so genuinely loving and how un-religious we are. I love that we all desire to help people with no agenda other than just helping them. I’ve longed for years and years for a place like this and I’m just so thankful to have found it and to get to be a part of it.

Ten years ago my sister did a DTS (discipleship training school) at this base before she went to Nepal & India for 3 months. Because Cimarron is only 2 hours away from home, we got to visit her a couple of times, packing 6 month old Eden into our car with every baby contraption we owned. It was such a breath of fresh air to return to this scared space on the mountain. As soon as we pulled onto the property, I could feel peace flooding in. And when the team that runs the school told us over the amazing dinner they had prepared for us that they had been praying for our time there, I could feel it. In the book Bittersweet, Shauna Niequist talks about the Irish folklore of Thin Places. Thin Places are places where the boundary between heaven and earth is just a little bit thinner, where you can feel heaven just a little bit closer. I’m not sure about Irish folklore, but if ever there was a Thin Place, the base at Cimarron is one.

My time there was not only significant for me in my role as director of the clinic but also for me personally. I forced myself out of bed early in the mornings so I could spend some time to myself on the porch journaling. I feel like God always talks to me through my journal and the prayers that I write in there end up being the most poignant. I think maybe because writing gives my ADD brain some space to focus.

That time on the porch was such a good opportunity for me to draw a few lines in the sand. Sometimes I have to make deals with God. A few years back I had to make a deal that I was going to stop questioning his existence. Last weekend I had to make a deal that I was going to stop fighting him, stop fighting what he is doing. These lessons of trust have been so constant in my life. (It might especially be that way for people who are a tad bit controlling…) All I know is that Trust has to be my way of life, that every time I’ve trusted him, it’s been so much better than I could have made it myself and it has always been good, even if the road there was marked by pain. Up there on the mountain, in that Thin Place, I made a new deal: that I was going to stop fighting what he was doing and let go of how I wanted things to be. I promised to start trusting again and stop doing things my own way. Trust can still be a little scary, but it feels so much better to know that someone so GOOD has free reign to do GOOD things in my life.

The Fab Five was together again over Labor day weekend for a final summer trip of the rafting season. We were back in Glenwood Canyon (my fav) where we rafted Shoshone and hung out in the Hippie Dips during a rain/hail storm. There’s nothing like having the five of us together… we all share so much history that when we get together, we pick up right where we left off. I love how our times together are such a silly mix of deep, heart talks and hilarious jokes. We continue to find out that we can’t keep secrets from each other and that we don’t really want to anyway. These are the kind of friendships that I know I have to treasure… people and connections like this don’t come along everyday. I love that when we’re together we get to play for keeps.