I planted my spring garden yesterday: peas, broccoli and lettuce. There is something so significant in my life about this new season of spring creeping in. My tiger lilies are poking their fingers out of the the ground; green, hopeful spikes coming new into the world. All around me things are being made new.

There is so much grief and loss to sift through. So much to watch the children sift through in their fresh and innocent views. I think all of us are having a hard time wrapping our heads around the WHY of things. But as we do, I feel change creeping in. Real, solid change. It’s desperately needed and coming in the most perfect timing.

So much of me wants to rush ahead to happy, peaceful times that I know are coming. But I know how significant this process is for me, for the children. I know how important it is to embrace where I am right at this very moment. I know how important it is to feel every single feeling and process them completely. Because I know that once I reach the end of this, the world will never again be how it is right now. And I will be completely new in every way.

That makes all of this worth it.

Today is over. That I am thankful for.

Today I see God. I see his hand on everything. And I see how tending to these little hearts is healing me in a way that only God could have orchestrated.

Instead of coming apart at the seams, I see lost parts of me coming together. I feel more whole than I have ever felt in my life and today I lost my husband.

I feel suspended on a cloud, in a net of love. I can feel the prayers holding me up today. I have spent a lot of time feeling alone and unloved and I am very solidly neither of those today.

I’ve been writing this post in my head for the last two and a half years. It’s been two and a half years since Jim said he didn’t want to be with me anymore. Today he moved out and by the time this post goes live, we will have told the children that he is leaving. I dread that moment more than anything I’ve ever done.

I’ve fought so hard for this marriage, probably harder than I should have. I’ve compromised myself in ways and have been so desperate that I’m ashamed of the disrespect I’ve shown myself. I’ve been fighting for an amazing man, not seeing that I lost that man a long time ago. The man who moved out today was nothing like the one I married 11 years ago.

To say that the last 2.5 years have been difficult would, perhaps, be the biggest understatement I have ever made. The last 2.5 years have been absolutely tortuous. And I wouldn’t take a minute of it back. I’ve come such a long way while I waited in limbo. I’ve learned and accepted so much about myself and I’ve seen how God has been preparing me for this very moment. I’ve seen how, even in this, he has a plan for me and it’s good and not bad and there will be a future. I’ve been sifting through the layers of loss for so long that I feel as though I’m coming to the end… to acceptance. I’m eager, almost excited, to move forward. I don’t know what the future holds, but that’s terribly thrilling to me. I don’t really believe that life gives us do-overs, but I almost feel as though I have one. A second chance anyway.

I feel sad, but loved and very hopeful. I know we’re going to be ok. I’m worried about managing two little broken hearts, but I’m counting on grace to hold onto us – my little family that went from 4 to 3 today.

(I’m writing this not for pity or sympathy, but because, as often as I’m ashamed to admit I’ve participated in it, I detest gossip. I feel it’s better coming from the “horse’s mouth” than from someone who heard from someone else who heard from someone else. And I’m also writing this because I feel as though I’ve been living with this secret for so long. I’ve hated how protecting my family’s privacy has caused me to be unauthentic at times. Without authenticity, how can we truly have friendships? I’m ready to live my life out loud and in the light.)

So Main Street, where Tangle is located, is under construction right now. The water and sewer pipes were old and just needed replacing. Marketing a business when the road leading to it is under construction is a challenge, but Tangle and our neighbors seem to be holding their own. In fact, Tangle is doing significantly better than we did this time last year.

Our local newspaper published a front page article about a business that is closing on Main Street and blaming it all on the construction. Not only is the owner blaming the construction, but she was making it sound like all of Main Street was going under only no one was talking about it.

That made me mad. It made lots of my neighbors mad too. So I sent an email to the editor of our paper and while I was at it, I copied it to all the other media in town. Little did I know it would start this media frenzy.

I ended up having my letter published in both local newspapers and had interviews on all three tv stations. The newspaper that ran the original article also ran a follow-up article that painted a more fair picture of how Main Street is actually doing.

I was so shocked that it was that easy to get the attention of the local media! But I’m so glad I sent the email. It was good for Tangle to get the extra exposure, but more than anything I just wanted to make sure Main Street was represented fairly.

One of my favorite things to do is to read design blogs. My favorite is design sponge. I savor each post and save pictures to my iPad when I’m inspired, which is frequently. I like to hoard up a lot of posts and sit down and read them all at once. My brain starts spinning with ideas and then I go and decide to tear something up or paint or decorate or make. And it all just makes me so happy. Being able to create has saved me in so many ways.

And now I have 64 new posts saved up in my google reader which I’m about to enjoy immensely.

I finally uploaded photos from last May when Tangle did “Knit On the Corner” for our downtown Art and Jazz festival. We’re already planning this years knitted graffiti – it’s so fun!

click here to see the whole set.

If you have twenty minutes, watch this video. It is amazing what this woman discovered in her research about relationships.

(Have I mentioned how much I love the everyday food app for my ipad?)

Monday: beef stew with mushrooms and barley
Tuesday: (Jim) tacos
Wednesday: broccoli corn chowder with turkey bacon
Thursday: (Jim) enchiladas
Weekend: Spice rubbed cod with lemony rice, cottage pie

Breakfast, lunches & snacks: breakfast muffins, granola, mini pita pizzas,
hard boiled eggs, hummus & veggies, nachos

(Some of this is in no particular order. Last year wasn’t too bad, but I’m not sad to see it go and I’m filled with hope that 2011 will be SO much better.)

Jim:
• Jim shaved his beard into a mustache and I nearly died from it. It was so creepy.
• One morning I woke up to one of Jim’s clients letting himself into our house.
• Jim turned 35.
• The Pineapple Crackers released a really great CD, played almost every weekend of the summer and went on a 3 week, west coast tour in their new tour bus.
• Jim offended the Governor.
• Jim wrote the epic rap, the best Crackers song yet.
• Jim played a big new years eve show at the Mesa Theater complete with light up clothing and confetti cannons.

House:
• I painted the front door with chalk board paint.
• The kitchen got a little remodel, including removing cabinets and adding damask wallpaper.
• We built a raised bed for the garden and Jim made me an automatic watering system for it.
• I fought the losing battle to keep it clean.

Pets:
• Dexter chewed and chewed and chewed. He peed on some stuff too. And he learned to sit and got a dog door and LOVES the cat.
• We had to send my cat JimKitty to heaven. Jim got me a new cat, Evil Kitty, for my birthday.

Kids:
• Honor learned how to read, lost his first tooth, started first grade, turned 7. He learned to play warcraft on the computer which he is really good at. Eden too.
• Eden turned 8, started 3rd grade, learned how to snowboard and started voice lessons. She saved up all of her birthday money and bought a trampoline which occupied hours and hours of her time.
• Somehow Honor accidentally peed on the dog.
• Eden went to church camp.
• The kids got to buy ice cream from the ice cream truck for the first time.
• Eden learned how to sew.

Crafting:
• I made quilts for the twins and managed to make them some hats. They got matching sweaters for their first birthdays.
• I also made the kids each sweaters for the new school year.
• Of course the year was filled with lots of knitting.
• I started taking sewing classes at Tangle and gained a lot of confidence in my sewing abilities. (I’m still terrible unpatient with the whole thing.)
• I met Doug Jones and built a bench all by myself (well almost all by myself) for the dining room.
• I made butter and yogurt and strawberry rhubarb pie.
• I preserved the heck out of the all the fresh produce: strawberry rhubarb jam, peach jam, spaghetti sauce, apple sauce, peach chutney, pickles, pickled jalapenos, cardamom apple butter, cherry jam. Dried peaches, pears, apples, tomatoes. I froze corn, green chiles, green beans, tomatoes, rhubarb, cherries, pesto. (nearly all of this I did with Amy!)

Family:
• I made sever trips over the mountains to help my sister out with her twins, including one on the train.
• My mom, the kids and I traveled to Wyoming to visit my Grandma.
• My sisters twins turned 1 in Dec and are walking all over the place. We got to spend quite a bit of time with them despite them being 250 miles away.
• We had a fun, quiet 4th of July with Jim’s Mom, sister and niece.
• We got to spend a really fun trip to Denver with the cousins on Jim’s side of the family. Casa Bonita and Elitch Gardens. Eden and Honor discovered that they don’t like rollercoasters.
• We celebrated Hanukkah and escaped Christmas by going on a little trip with just the 4 of us to snowboard and soak in the hot springs. It was the best Christmas ever, we all agreed.

Friends:
• Amy and I yard saled…. a lot. Then we had a yardsale of our own.
• Brooke and I spent a lot of time with the kiddos at Highline.
• And Brooke and I dyed our hair florescent colors.
• Carrie, the kids and I went to the Olathe Sweet Corn Festival to see the Pineapple Crackers open for Wynonna. But it rained so much that we left before they played. We were soaked and it was a great adventure.
• We floated the river with some great buddies and had the most relaxing and fun time of the summer.
• Cal, Ricky, Jim and I went on a 3 day camping trip in Utah.
• The kids and I took a trip with Carrie to Telluride, arriving just when their off season started. So we went to Ouray and swam at the hot springs instead.
• I got to attend the yearly tea party which was amazing as ever.

Hard Stuff:
• Went through a big drama where one family member pressed charges against another unfairly.
• Loved a friend though a terrible loss. Saw her come out the other side of it so strong and alive. Convinced that Jesus is real.

Me:
• Started working out with a trainer and then a different one when the first moved away. Finally was able to see some results from all my hard work.
• Jim bought me an ipad for mothers day.
• I turned 29.
• I read some great books, especially Bittersweet and A Million Miles in a Thousand Years. Also re-read the Wheel of Time series by Robert Jordan which is one of my favorites, but WAY better the second time.
• I ran a 5 mile race and lived to tell about it.
• Fall was one of my favorite ever. It was so magical.
• I joined the community garden.
• After getting the windows busted out, we determined that the Honda was officially dead and I got a new (to me) car! A sliver Nissan Xterra.
• Jim and I celebrated our 11th Anniversary.
• After a whole year of complaining about my blackberry, I got a new phone.
• I learned some really hard, but necessary lessons and am so happy I did.

Tangle:
• Our local newspaper wrote a big article about me and Tangle and I was on TV and in the newspaper several more times for Tangle too.
• Had a tiny battle with the artist above my store who wanted to display a giant pot leaf in our fabric right above our logo.
• Tangle did 40 knitted pieces of graffiti for our city’s Art and Jazz festival.
• We celebrated our 4th birthday.
• Tangle has just been such a smashing success this year, for which I am SO proud and feel so lucky.