We’ve been exploring our way through Portland as only we know how, by tasting it. In the mornings we make our way in to downtown on the train, Starbucks in hand, waiting until we can trade our white and green cups in for something truly hipster. We wander to coffee shops where there are only three things on the menu and it makes me wonder if it’s ok to ask for cream. It always is because people are so nice in Portland. So much more than in other big cities I’ve been to and even more so than in Western Colorado.

That’s the part that we keep being so surprised about, sure, we are finding all the hipster things that you’d expect from Portland (except I’ve yet to see anything with a bird on it) but no one is snobby about it. It’s just the way they happily choose to live their lives and it just seems so normal, it makes so much sense. And maybe they have something figured out because their kindness radiates in a way that’s startling.

But back to the food. We ate our first meal in Portland at a place called Lardo. Think about the best pork sandwiches you can imagine. God, everything was perfect. French fries with chunks of bacon and deep fried pork, flash fried sage and rosemary, topped with spicy, pickled peppers. We left off the Parmesan but I’m sure had I been able to eat it, it would have been amazing. And that was just the fries.

Dinner was at a farm-to-fork Mexican restaurant called Verde Cosina and it was fresh and flavorful with each ingredient working exactly as it should with the next. Who knew all I ever wanted with my carne asada was kale? My cousin picked it as her top choice in all of Portland and she was not wrong.

Today we explored the food trucks. There are food truck pods all over the city. I know this because Josh has mapped out every single one. We went to the largest pod. A whole city block lined on all four sides with food trucks facing out. How does one even choose?

We finished today with dinner at a James Beard Award winner. Pok Pok lives up to its hype with the most amazing blends of Thai flavors. It was hot, sour, salty and sweet. I’m still not sure what my favorite was between the three dishes we shared but they were nothing short of perfect. It was definitely a meal that we will be talking about for awhile.

And then even though we were so full we couldn’t even think of dessert, we managed to hit Salt and Straw when the line was barely there and it was seriously the best ice cream of my life. I had half a scoop each of bone marrow with smoked cherries and olive oil and they were so, so good.

Tomorrow we will eat our way through the northeast side of Portland and I’m sure it will be equally delicious. I can’t wait.

I’m laying in a tent on the Oregon coast. I can hear the crashing of the ocean, the fog horn from the Yaquina Bay Light House. Every once in awhile something will rile up the seals on the beach and they start barking, reminding me how very badly I just want to pet one.

Tonight we walked along the harbor, photographing the boats as the sun went down. We ate dinner at an amazing seafood place overlooking the harbor. Everything was so fresh, directly from the boats we looked down on as we ate.

We drove through the forest to get here, soaring trees so tall, that all I can do is stare at them. They have so much presence. We drove immediately to the beach. I’ve needed the ocean so badly. There is something so healing about the never ending crash of the waves, the way you never quite know how high or low the next one is going to be, the way the wind whips the clean smell of sea salt through my hair. This Colorado girl is never more thankful than when I get to eat seafood so fresh I can see exactly where it came from and walk, holding Josh’s hand, along the Pacific.

Well, here’s a thing I know: I’ve been using social media to try to communicate and connect with the people around me.

It’s not working very well. 

Big life changes are getting brushed aside, lost in shuffle of Donald Trump articles and recipe videos. 

Or maybe no one cares? It’s hard to tell. 

What I’m feeling so acutely is that likes, emoji, double taps are all a counterfeit for real human connection. 

Nothing beats real words from a person to another person. And I think that’s what we all actually need. Connection. To feel like some really cares. To see a human make some effort to reach out to another human. 

Social media is my job and I like my job. But I don’t want it to infiltrate my life in the way that it is. It doesn’t feel very healthy. And it certainly doesn’t feel very authentic. It’s like watching a sunset on tv when you could just go outside and see the real thing. 

I don’t want to keep doing this, stuck in this artificial world we all experience through the screens on our phones. I want more. I want real. And I don’t want to keep feeling lost in the shuffle. 

  
I’m so excited to have this up on the wall in our dining room! It’s 6ft tall and just perfect. Josh built the frame and stretched the canvas (while I watched!). It’s just perfect. 

This is my 11th annual Year in Review. To read past reviews, click here.

2015 in a nutshell: Adulting.

2015 hasn’t been the easiest year. A lot has changed and I’ve spent a lot of time learning to trust. I’ve struggled to hang onto the the rescued perspective I gained after my divorce, dealing with loss and loneliness, struggling to forgive. While so many of my life experiences have taught me that I need to protect myself, I’ve had the chance to learn to trust Josh who has proved himself to be completely trustworthy. Marriage is proving to be something vastly different (and better) than I’ve ever known.

There have also been a lot of wins this year: we moved into our dream house, I got a new job that I love and life has really stabilized in ways that I haven’t seen in a long time, if ever. When things were so dark for me, I had this small glimpse of what life could be and it became the hope I hung onto. It was a hope that rescued me and got me through. There are so many ways that this hope has become my reality.  In ways that still astound me. The kids are the most stable they’ve been in years and are both really happy and coming into themselves. 2015 feels like it was a good solid step in a direction I’ve been hoping to head for a long, long time.

Travel:
•Josh and I travelled to Denver in March for some much needed time away. We visited the newly remodeled Union Station and, as always, ate our way through Denver.
•Camped along the River in Utah during Spring Break.
•Rafted and camped the Ruby Horsethief section of the Colorado River in May. In the rain.
•Rafted and camped with 63 people in Utah for the 3rd annual Riverpalooza. In the rain.
•Went to Wyoming for our family reunion. Made 6 batches of ice cream.
•Josh and I flew to Venice Beach all by ourselves for a week of laying on the beach.
•Josh and I popped over to Colorado Springs this fall for a quick work trip and a short visit with family and friends.

Me:
•Did a little modeling for Pollux.
•Had some of my hand lettering featured on Style Me Pretty and Wedding Chicks.
•Completed a 16 week diet: the Colorado Diet. It was hard.
•Launched the Curiosity Project.
•Calligraphed envelopes for two weddings.
•Spoke at CMU to a group of students for Entrepreneur Day.
•Started a new job as the Marketing Director for Downtown Grand Junction. Was hired on later as the Co-Executive Director of the Downtown Business Improvement District. Worked crazy amounts of hours until I decided to step back from Tangle, only working there 1 day a week.
•Had surgery to remove a (cancer-free) lump in my breast. Didn’t like having surgery.
•Floated the river with Brooke all by ourselves.
•Hiked my first 14er.
•Celebrated Tangle’s 9th birthday.
•Celebrated my 34th birthday with a Low Country Boil in our new back yard.
•Along with Robin, my fellow Co-Director, presented our 2016 budget to City Council.

Josh:
•Worked.
And Worked.
And Worked.
And Worked.
And then it was June.
•Helped bring GoCode to Grand Junction and coached the teams during the competition.
•Spoke at CMU to a group of students for Entrepreneur Day.
•Created a ticketing system for Monumental Events [insert nerd speak here], sold tickets for Juco, the Fair and lots of other events.
•Hosted a Western Colorado Startup Weekend. Had over 30 participants.
•Turned 34.
•Experienced lots of success with his business, FastPXL.
•Launched an app on the new AppleTV on day one.
•Gained lots of momentum for his non-profit tech organization, LAUNCH West CO.

Eden:
•Travelled to Colorado Springs with the honor choir to perform for CMEA.
•Turned 13. Dyed her hair blue for her birthday (and consequently her skin too.)
•Got braces.
•Was voted Outstanding Choir Student by her peers in choir.
•Graduated 7th Grade and started 8th Grade.
•Decided to whip up a batch of cookie dough because she wanted some. (It’s begun.)

Honor:
•Had a seriously difficult 5th grade year dealing with bullies at school.
•Trekked to the grocery store a mile away with his sister to stock up on candy and soda for their epic, spring break stay-up-all-night movie marathon.
•Graduated 5th grade and started Middle School and flourished.
•Had to take a little trip to the hospital to have a chunk of wood removed from his leg.
•Turned 12.
•Learned to play the Cello.

We:
•Celebrated our 1st anniversary.
•Celebrated 4th of July with Brooke, Brian and fam with a raft trip and fireworks in Lincoln Park.
•Moved to a new house. With lots of space and a pool and 300 lavender plants.
•Celebrated Abigail and Donnie’s wedding and Meghan and Dustin’s wedding.
•Hosted my birthday party, Honor’s Birthday party, the Pumpkin Carving Party, Thanksgiving, Tangle’s teacher Christmas party, THE Christmas Party and Eden’s class Christmas party and Christmas Dinner at our new house.

This year ended with an unbearable sadness. We unexpectedly lost my uncle, at the age of 57, on Christmas night. He has always been such a father figure to us and we’re not really sure what life is going to look like without him. It’s hard to see a purpose in such a senseless loss and the only thing I’m able to take away from this heartache is to hug my people tighter. To take more picture and make more phone calls and to try harder to be present when I get to be with the ones I love. I end this year heartbroken but also so thankful for what I’ve had. I’m lucky to have gotten 30 years with a man who’s held the standard of what a father and husband should be. I’m lucky to have been loved so deeply by someone so very good.

Life is always, always bitter and sweet. And in the darkness I remember that the light will always overcome it. Happy New Year.

Our 2015 in pictures

Sometimes I think of my heart as a 3d printer. Every message I hear, verbal or non, prints a thin, little layer on top of the other building up these castles inside me. Some are fortresses, dark and foreboding. Others are open, light, welcoming, safe.

I think we start our lives in the world whole, believing our worth, knowing deep in us that we are worthy. And message after message comes printing a thin, little layer and the printer arm passes, layer upon layer telling us you aren’t worth it. You aren’t worth it. You aren’t worth it. They keep coming, people keep saying with their actions (or inactions), their words – you aren’t worth it to me.

I think I’ve internalized so many of these words that not only are there castles built up in my heart, but there are cases built up too – against those sending the messages. I’m not worth it to you? It prints another layer.  It builds up and up and up and my pain turns into resentment and anger and hurt and there is just so much. I’ve been let down, left, just so many times that sometimes I can barely see the light. The dark fortresses are taking over. 

It’s not good. I don’t want to be like this. It seems so unfair to be the one who’s been damaged and then to be the one who has to deal with the destruction that holding onto the hurt brings.  I need to forgive. It’s very hard. And the hits just keep on coming. The cases are strong. And it hurts. That 3D printer just keeps on printing. And I need to make it stop. For my own good, I have to make it stop. 

I’m trying a new thing and planning meals for a month at a time. We’re so busy that a month’s worth of groceries seems to be the only way that we can ensure that we have food to cook when we get home for the day!

Stuffed Acorn Squash (Made my own tweaks to the recipe.)
Beef Stroganoff
Paprika Roasted Chicken
Homemade Pizza
Dahl with Brown Rice
Beef Stew
Potato Basil Frittata
Chicken Lettuce Wraps
Chicken Cacciatore
Quesadillas with Chicken Sausages and sweet potatoes
Acorn Squash Soup with Kale
Mini Meatballs with pasta
Lentil and Sausage Soup with Kale
Fajitas
Butternut Squash Risotto with Grilled Italian Sausages
Mango Chicken Curry
Vegetable and Navy Bean Stew plus Chicken
Roasted Chicken Sausages with Potatoes
Split Pea Soup and BLTs
Minestrone with White Beans and Collard Greens plus italian sausage
Tacos
Huevos Rancheros

Josh and I are driving home through Vail and I’m remembering a time a long time ago that my ex husband and I were driving home through Vail, late at night, during the holidays. I was in awe of the Christmas light display: thousands of white lights, wrapped around every branch of hundreds of trees. It was amazing. I was delighted. 

He was annoyed at my delight. He was often annoyed with me. 

The further away I get the more I realize how dampened I was. I never got to truly be myself. My true self wasn’t good enough. 

I’m constantly struck by the contrast between my two marriages. I can be so, extremely silly and Josh thinks it’s hilarious. It’s still so weird to me that he really and truly does care that I’m happy. That he wants to do whatever he can to make me happy. He honestly does delight in my delight. 

I feel like I’ve gotten to spread my wings. I feel like I get to soar now. I feel so very free. 

I created The Curiosity Project as a way to satiate my ever growing curiosity about the world around me. What is it like to change oil every day? How do restaurants really work? What would it be like to be a bartender? A barista? A maid? A gardener? A baker? I want to know and learn and do it all.

One of my favorite things about my new job is that I get to work with the incredible Ms. Robin Brown. Robin, a former military helicopter pilot (who was shot down in combat, by the way), coordinates Downtown’s events and I do the Marketing and Communications. Our jobs go hand in hand and we’re turning out to be a pretty great team! A few weekends ago I got a hands-on glimpse into Robin’s job.

Downtown just hosted the best festival in it’s history: the Art + Music Festival in conjunction with the Grand Junction Off-Road. For the first time these two events joined forces and culminated into a huge, super-fun street party. All 4 blocks of Main Street’s primary shopping area were turned into a beer garden with the bike race course flowing in and out of the middle of it. There were 4 stages with music, a bike expo and an art show. And the weather was PERFECT: the first sunny and warm weekend that Grand Junction has had all spring.

Robin’s day started first thing on Friday morning. GJ Off-Road started setting up their course and bike expo at 5am. I got the pleasure of checking in all of the Art and Food vendors. It was controlled chaos. Large vehicles with big trailers crammed themselves onto Main Street and started unloading. Robin has an excellent staff: block captains who help the vendors find their spots and set up, her dad who is her right-hand man, her mother who helped me with check-in and had me cracking up all morning, and Chuck, the grumpy downtown fixture who helps with maintenance and, with a small team, manages signage, traffic cones and road closures.

Two-way radios were passed around to various staff and setup was underway. The music manager, Ron Wilson from Sandstone Concerts, lent us his hard-working teenage boys who rode around on gators delivering water and ice and pretty much anything else that anyone needed. The radios continuously squawked, “Robin!” and she would run all over the place putting out fires.

There are so many details that go into an event like this one. Security to manage the beer garden perimeter as well as safety for the event, making sure the vendors have everything they need like water and power, sound setup for the stages plus building the stages, keeping the beer tents stocked with beer, wine and ice, making sure everything works well with the merchants downtown… And this list doesn’t even mention the months of prep it takes to pull off so many moving pieces.

By 1pm everything was ready for the weekend. Bands were sound-checking on the stages, the bike expo was underway, riders were registering, beer was pouring, artists were selling and food was being prepared. The atmosphere Downtown was electric. And that electricity continued throughout the weekend.

Shakey Graves

Our Main Street saw some amazing music from more than 20 bands, both local and national, including Big Sam’s Funky Nation and Shakey Graves. On Friday night, the GJ Off-Road Criterium began with the “Klunker Crit” full of locals, young and old, lined up in costumes on decorated bikes. I took a break from working to sit with Josh at a Downtown restaurant’s patio to watch the crit, which was SO fun. I can’t believe how fast some of those professional riders whizzed by, on mountain bikes, nonetheless.

Throughout the weekend everything worked well, music started, staggered, on each of the 4 stages while different rides (15 to 40 miles on the “most technical course in the US”) started and finished on Main Street. Robin and the staff manned the headquarters that was set up on the 500 block of Main, doling out information and water, watching booths as vendors took breaks, making sure the 3 beer tents stayed stocked with ice, beer and wine and that the schedule kept on rolling. I think between the three days, every one of us took a turn helping pour beer as the warm weather demanded cool drinks. I worked for several hours in front of the the 600 block stage pouring local Palisade Brewing Company beer while the line never seemed to grow shorter.

After the Shakey Graves concert on Saturday night, I ran into Robin who was getting everything closed out for the night. She was still in her sun hat and sporty tennis dress with her radio clipped to the strap of her cross-body bag. She was tired and ready to disperse the lingering crowd that hung around after the show. But she was also excited. The success of the event was exceedingly clear. She did an amazing job and her hard work showed!

Downtown Grand Junction hosted thousands of people over the Art + Music Festival 3 day weekend. Over and over I’ve heard from people that it was the best event that’s ever happened Downtown and I completely agree with them. It was perfect. And really, I just can’t wait for next year!

If you’d like to see Robin’s event planning handiwork, visit Downtown Grand Junction’s upcoming Farmer’s Market, each Thursday evening through the Summer or visit her website, westslopeevents.com. I, for one, am excited to see what she pulls off next.

Today the FexEx guy walked into the office at my new job and asked, “What? You’re here too?”

Yes, I do all of the things.

(PS, I got a new job. I’m the “Interim Marketing and Communications Manager” for Downtown Grand Junction. Plus I’m still at Tangle. I don’t know how long this new job will last, but I like it.)

I don’t know what I’m doing. All of the things, I guess. I’m dead tired. But I’m having fun. I’m actually making real money for what feels like the first time ever. I’m doing all of the things I love: being creative, making change, ruling the world. I’m so tired.

Everything is new right now. I don’t know how to operate. Josh and I are figuring out how to balance both of us working more-than-full-time while running a household and raising teenage children. We may not have groceries in the house, but it’s an adventure.

I have friends who hate change. They fight it with everything in them. But I like change. I like everything being new. I like the fresh, shininess of it. And the adventure. I like blowing everything up and rebuilding.

This time last year I wasn’t married. I wasn’t living in this house. I was the director of a free medical clinic. Everything is new.

I think this is the cycle. THIS is life. Death and Rebirth. Death and Rebirth. Over and over again. After so much death and loss and tragedy, THIS is the rebirth. Everything new. Life again. I don’t know about Heaven, but I do know that life happens new, everyday. Maybe this is what being “born again” really means.
Death and Rebirth.
Life again.
Everything new.
Blow it up.
Rebuild.
Start again.

[If there was any song that was the soundtrack of this life phase, it would be this one, on repeat at our house all the time right now.]