There’s something stirring deep inside me. I’m thinking a lot about being a woman. About being feminine and soft but not weak. I’ve been thinking about being entitled to princessdom, stamping our feet and demanding our own way. And how there could maybe be a better way. I’ve been thinking about being underestimated and overlooked and how to embrace my femininity when that happens rather than try to use my body language to act more masculine. I’ve been thinking about how strong women can really be if only we allowed ourselves to be strong… expected it of each other, fostered it in each other rather than expect a meltdown at every turn. And I’ve been thinking about how women shouldn’t be awarded something just because they are women, but because they worked hard to get it.

More to come…

Boring day: rose jeans, cardi, tee shirt – Target, id tag necklace – Pollux, boots – Charlotte Russe

Black printed jeans and earrings – Target, ballet flats – Old Navy, necklace – Pollux, tee shirt – H&M

Destroyed jeans – Victoria’s Secret, tee shirt – H&M, gather cardigan – Anthropologie, pearl bracelet, id tag necklace, earrings – Pollux, heels – Nicole from Miss Maries

I was standing in Starbucks the other day waiting for my drink and I overheard a conversation happening at the table behind me. Two college students were sitting there having drinks, a boy and a girl, and the boy was very analytically trying to talk the girl into believing in God. In Christianese this is called “witnessing.” I felt a stab of shame in the pit of my stomach, hoping that back in my more zealous, naive-Christian-days I never tried to talk someone into Jesus.

I wanted to turn around and tell him that he was doing it all wrong. That we can’t talk people into believing that God is real with books and statistics and the “Romans Road.” I wanted to say that we don’t talk people into Jesus with threats of the intangible hell or promises of a heaven they can’t see. We can’t talk people into Jesus at all. But what we can do is engage their hearts. We can tell them how he saved us: from hopeless marriages and heartbreak with second chances and plans bigger that we could ever imagine. How he gave hope when there was none and light when things seemed very dark and comfort to endless tears. That when life was really, really bad he whispered promises in my ear – promises that he knew what he was doing with me and that he was holding me safe in his hand. Promises that there would be better days, full of joy. Promises that came true.

I wanted to tell him that people can’t be talked into believing in God and that by trying to do so, we’re having the opposite effect, pushing them farther and father away. Dear college student, people can’t be talked into God, but they can go searching for him, inspired by how he rescued you.

Black boatneck dress, necklace – Pollux, Leggings – H&M, Ballet Flats – Old Navy, Gold Earrings – Target

Striped Tee Dress – H&M, Leggings – Target, Scarf and Earrings – Pollux, Ballet Flats – Old Navy

Aqua Jeans & Gold Hoops – Target, Sweater – H&M, Nicole Oxfords – Miss Maries (this great little shoe shop that used to be on Main Street), Bracelet – gift from Lisa, ID tag necklace – Pollux.

Destroyed Jeans – Victoria’s Secret, Black Tee – Target, Sweater and ID tag necklace – Pollux, Ballet Flats – Old Navy

Striped Tee Dress – H&M, Leggings, cardigan and wooden ring – Target, Ruffle boots – Charlotte Russe, Freshwater Pearl Bracelets – Pollux, Necklace – Urban Outfitters

leftovers

Every few weeks Josh and I escape town and head south to eat dinner at the most amazing Thai restaurant in Montrose, CO. I’m pretty addicted to their pumpkin curry, but everything I’ve had there is amazing. They serve brown rice too, which is hard to find at most local restaurants. After dinner we spend a few hours at our favorite near-by hot springs before heading home. I love those couple of hours in the car together where we get to talk, rambling on about our jobs and everything else in our lives. I love that we’re afforded so much time together to stay connected. I also love the ritual of it all, that there are places that are becoming “our places”.

This is such a special time of life. I’m reminding myself to live exactly in the moment, soaking it all up, not looking ahead or behind but relishing where I am.

I’m a lucky girl.

I fell in love with this heart hat pattern and had to make it for Eden for Valentines day. With all of the leftover yarn, I modified the pattern (decrease two stitches after the ribbing) and made Honor a Minecraft hat which has been his obsession lately! I used Sublime baby cashmere merino silk which is soft, squishy and amazing. (Just don’t ask how much the hats cost me!)

[heart pattern] [minecraft chart]

It’s different the second time around. “I love you” carries with it more weight because I know exactly what it means to lose love. I know exactly what’s at stake this time because I once had (what I thought was) it all and lost it. I know that I can’t brush off certain things thinking love will conquer all because I’ve done this before and I know that little things viewed through the sparkly lens of love will turn into huge things once the sparkliness wears off. I know that sparkliness is special, but the real stuff is what happens when it wears off. That non-sparkly love is the love that’s weighty and real and lasts through all the hard and painful things that life brings. Knowing this is the advantage I didn’t have last time.

Last time I knew that I loved, I knew that I was doing what I wanted, but I didn’t know what life could bring. I didn’t really know what I was promising. I didn’t know how hard loving could be and I didn’t know that vows and a ring wouldn’t fill every hole in me. I also didn’t know what I deserved and that I had to fight to maintain my individuality… and in neglecting to do so, my inner strength went a little dormant. I didn’t know that love meant having my heart cared for… that love would seek the very best for me. I didn’t know that relationships were only healthy when the two people contributing to them were both whole and healthy. And that being in a healthy relationship meant that you didn’t lose who you were to maintain it. I didn’t know it then, but I’m discovering it now and it’s amazing.

Some days I have to fight against everything in my head that screams, “you’re going to be rejected!” because it’s so much easier to walk in what I’ve always known rather than believe it can be different. And some days I find myself staring in absolute shock because I really have never known what it was like to have someone care so deeply about what’s going on in my heart. It’s a lot to come to terms with. In the very best way.

There’s something very special about doing it the second time. There’s something special about having the wisdom to know what’s a big deal and what isn’t. And there is something special about second chances. I lived so long believing that the life I was living was exactly what I deserved and now I know that I’m finally getting what I truly deserve. Redemption is the very best part of living through something awful. The hope of redemption, THIS, is exactly what got me through.

Now my prayers look more like this: Thank you for knowing that I shouldn’t have what I begged so desperately for. Thank you for having a better plan in mind. Thank you for this, wherever it goes. It’s amazing.

I say, “I wanna do a project today!” and he obliges! I’m spoiled.

Cedar fencing + white and gold spray paint = new headboard

Eden’s new pet rat, Paris

crema, an amazing coffee shop in Denver

Mimosas at Watercourse in Denver

breakfast tacos, 21 day challenge approved

baby puppies came to visit me at Tangle

pretty yarn at Tangle

scored this at an antique store in Montrose, CO

new RAM for my Tangle mac. I installed it myself!

everyone is obsessed with the new Sprouts

he poops on the floor, I tried to make him clean it up himself. I give up on training this dog…

more puppies visiting me at Tangle

a new garbage disposal, one of my Christmas presents. he’s the sweetest

(I’ve been doing this since 2005.)

2012 in a nutshell: Life and more life. or All of the things. or The year I got addicted to caffeine. or I became a football fan.

Heart
I’m not quite sure how many times I wrote in my journal, THIS is the final step in my transformation. At this point, I’m pretty sure that there isn’t a “final step” and that I’ll always be changing and growing. But 2012 saw lots of steps for sure. 2012 was, for me, about being alive. I got to live more life and experience more things in this year than I had in the previous 5 years. This was the year where I started really dating, quite a bit, having so much fun and a little heartbreak too. I fell in love (a couple of times) and started to see what I actually had been missing all of those years prior. I got to answer some big questions about what I wanted for my future and started to hope that I could have all of the things I couldn’t ever imagine for myself, but my friends promised me were out there. I very solidly reveled in my second chances, knowing that I was rescued from SO very much. Also, I learned to be content with where I was rather than hope for what was to come.

2012 was also about community. I got to walk through some very significant things with several of my friends. It was good to be the person giving instead of the person needing. We saw the expansion of our little community, welcoming some bright and shining people who have added so much. I realize over and over again how special this group of people is and how very loved I am. And so safe.

Looking back, I can say that 2012 was the happiest year of my life.

We celebrated:
• Eden’s birthday
• Danielle’s baby shower
• the Kentucky Derby at Amy’s
• Caleb’s Birthday
• Carrie’s birthday in 3 parts:, breakfast, lunch and dinner.
• 4th of July with Brooke & Brian and their kids
• Megan moving to Africa with about a week of parties
• My 31st birthday with a huge party in my backyard
• Halloween with a pumpkin carving party and then a costume party the following night
• Thanksgiving at my house with the whole fam and Josh.
• the birth of Amy’s third baby.
• Christmas, decorating the house for the first time ever
• Christmas with the community at Amy’s Epic Christmas Party
• Christmas for my employees at Tangle and Christmas for the clinic volunteers at my house
• New Years Eve with poker and friends and special videos

Rafted
• Shoshone twice
• In town once, with the kids
• Moab daily once and invented Riverball in the process.

Kids
• celebrated Easter for the first time
• Went to church camp. It was Honor’s first time.
• took Dexter to compete in the Wiener dog races. He lost.
• adopted a pet black widow for a couple of days
• went to Denver on the train for our Christmas Break get-away.
• moved into (part-time) a house with their dad and his girlfriend and took a lot of comfort in the stability it provided
• learned how to paddle the ducky when we were camping at Reudi Reservoir

Eden
• recorded the silliest song with her dad
• turned 10 years old
• spent an evening in the ER getting staples in her head
• ran a 5k with Girls on the Run
• was rewarded with a pet snake for keeping her room clean for an entire month.
• experienced true loss when the pet snake died
• graduated 4th grade and started 5th
• got a pet rat to replace the snake. Then got another pet rat to keep the first company. Penny and Paris respectively.
• played basketball

Honor
• wrote some poems
• also became a football fan
• graduated 2nd grade and started 3rd
• turned 9
• got really good a building legos
• also playing Mindcraft
• had a hard time adjusting to the changes in his life
• got a best friend

Me
• became a football fan
• sewed 2 quilts
• was in a commercial that Seth filmed for the church
• started to learn to fly fish
• discovered beer-garitas
• helped Seth direct a commercial for Pollux
• Got away with Amy, Rickelle and Carrie for a life-changing retreat in the mountains.
• judged the “Heritage Arts” section of the Mesa County Fair for 4H
• turned 31 with a huge party in my backyard
• went away to the mountains for the weekend on a retreat with the church staff
• went to my first Broncos game with Brooke and watched the Raiders LOOSE!
• celebrated the 1 year anniversary of being divorced.
• went away with a bunch of friends to Powderhorn for the weekend to “help” Seth shoot a promotional video.
• participated in, and won, the 21 day challenge. Lost 7lbs in the process.
• got a boyfriend. The first since I was 18.
• painted the windows for the church’s upcoming coffee shop
• learned to snowboard

Tangle
• got a letter from our Senator thanking us for our hats for the troops project.
• sponsored Knit on the Corner for the third year
• had some pretty epic windows
• turned 6 years old
• celebrated the end of the year with 15 teachers and staff!

Community
• began a badminton league which consumed many of our evenings and weekends until it got too cold
• instituted Football in the Garage, moving my TV to Caleb and Rickelle’s wood stove-heated garage every game so we can all watch together
• said goodbye to Seth and Carrie when they moved to Ft. Collins and hello to them when they got pregnant and decided to move back home
• did dreamboards with the girls

House
• front steps got a new coat of paint
• gave the backyard a total makeover, installing a path, lots of wood chips and contributing a large pile to the City’s landfill
• planted a garden
• rearranged my room for a new bed

Good Samaritan Clinic
• consumed a large part of my life as we got it running smoothly and on the road to financial sustainability
• moved into a new home which required an intense week of set-up and organization.
• I became the Director of the clinic in August.
• operated one free clinic a month.
• introduced a video that Seth made about the clinic to the city.
• ran multiple fundraisers each month: farmers market booths, concerts, hot chocolate booths, donation boxes, church presentations
• launched a partnership program designed to create financial sustainability
• passed the 500 patient mark

Some of my favorite tweets from the last year: