Honor had a field trip on Monday to our county landfill. I volunteered to go, not imagining that it would be any fun, but it was actually pretty fascinating. Our county’s landfill is housed on 1500 acres of land, but the planned “footprint” for the actual landfill is 127 acres. It’s currently at 60 acres and they plan to have it full by 2030. According to the landfill’s website, they take in 9lbs of trash per person per day!

It was interesting how the landfill works. They pack trash into sections (I think she said 30’x30′ sections) separated by layers of dirt. After they have reached the top of the section it’s covered over with dirt. Once the landfill is complete, the land can be used for other purposes, even parks.

We learned about how things breakdown in a landfill. Because of the way it is basically packed underground without much air or moisture and especially because we live in such a dry climate, things take FOREVAH to break down. Here’s the list she told the kids about:

Banana peels – 6mo-1year
Hot dog – 10 years
paper – 40 years
soup can – 80 years
diaper – 100 years
soda can or plastic water bottle – 500 years
styrofoam and plastic grocery bags – probably never

I’m a pretty avid recycler, but this these reminders really renewed my passion for recycling. I couldn’t believe that PAPER would take so long to break down in a landfill. It breaks down so quickly in my compost pile! I just don’t see any reason to waste resources and leave trash behind longer than we will be on earth! Especially when recycling is so easy – it just requires a bit of organization and then it takes no more work than throwing things away.

I’ve heard so many arguments against recycling… Sure the recycling system isn’t perfect, especially here. And yes it does cost a little more (for me it’s $2.50 a month) but things that are good for us tend to cost a little more.

I’m going to be thinking about this and writing about this more later but here are my initial thoughts:

•no more ziplocs for lunches – most everything can go in a reusable container or packed in unbleached waxed paper bags that I get at Vitamin Cottage. Bonus points if the kids bring them back home from school and they can go in the compost.

•throw things like popsicle sticks directly into the outdoor fireplace for starting fires. bonus points for making popsicles in reusable containers.

•Find out if I can recycle bread bags with grocery bags. What about the bags that come in cereal boxes?

•Try really hard to only buy products that come in containers that can either be reused or recycled.

More to come.

How does your family recycle? Do you have any ideas for me? And I encourage you, dear reader, to recycle if you don’t.

I had an amazing moment a few weeks ago when I received a darling email from Cat Mayer, who is, in my opinion, the best photographer in Grand Junction. She was touched by what I’ve written on this blog recently and decided that this new version of our family needed to be photographed. So last week the kids and I picked out our own clothes and headed out to the country to have a photo session with Cat. Honor couldn’t understand why “everything needed to be perfect” when I asked him to brush his teeth and smooth out his hair. (Little boys can be so slimy!)

We had so much fun tromping around in fields, chasing cows (Eden was determined to pet one), throwing sticks in the pond. The kids were beyond squirly, but that’s just how they are all the time, so it seemed appropriate for the photos.

Through this whole process I have been so touched and surprised by the people around me who have reached out. I am so surrounded and loved. Cat walked into Tangle a couple years ago and since then I have marveled at her talent and beauty, all of which is a reflection of her heart. I feel lucky to know these people who are surrounding me, they have made me a better person. I am just so grateful.

I mourn the loss of thousands of precious lives, but I will not rejoice in the death of one, not even an enemy. Returning hate for hate multiplies hate, adding deeper darkness to a night already devoid of stars. Darkness cannot drive out darkness: only light can do that. Hate cannot drive out hate: only love can do that.

-Martin Luther King Jr. + someone else

(thanks Elaine)

Recently I started using Pinterest. It’s like a virtual pin board where you can pin things that you love. I usually save photos of things I like to my ipad, or bookmark a post in google reader, but this is a great way for me to collect everything I love/want/am inspired by in one cohesive place. Plus it’s fun to be able to share with my friends.

Do you pin? If so, what do you love about it? Make sure you add me if you do, my user name is pretendsanity.

PS: if you’re interested in joining, I have a few invites I can send out – just let me know.

Once I get something in my head, I get so ridiculous. Someone once described me as tenacious and I think that that is just about perfect. There might possibly be a picture of me next to the word in the dictionary. This weekend I decided that I wanted a new quilt and that I wanted one RIGHT NOW. So I basically locked myself in the house for two days and made a quilt. (And a pair of slippers.)

When the Joel Deeberry fabric arrived at Tangle, I about had a heart attack over the cuteness. In fact, I had to reorder the aqua birds because it sold out in the first week. But not before I saved some for myself. It sat on my sewing desk for two weeks before it turned into a quilt, so really I’m applauding my restraint. The aqua birds and the orange damask are from the aviary 2 line, the dots are Amy Butler.

I wanted to make the quilt simple with big blocks of the fabric. I think the prints show up best this way.

The back was basically an exercise in how I could use up all of the scraps. I paired it with some Amy Butler cream solid. I think I might like the back more than the top.

I quilted each square with a different pattern. My favorite, and the most annoying to do, is the “concentric” squares on the orange damask. I get really lazy when it comes to quilting, so once I started, I had to force myself finish. Shoving a quilt through my little machine is not my favorite thing to do.

Dexter was really “helpful” in making this quilt. I don’t know what it is about this dog that he is drawn to any piece of fabric laying on the ground. He walked all over the back with muddy feet. This morning I came home to find him snuggled under the quilt. He is lucky that he is cute.

I learned a few new skills while making this. First, I discovered how to baste with adhesive spray. I will never again do it another way. This saved me at least an hour. And was SO easy.

The second is how to make continuous bias binding. Were I to not mess it up, it would have saved me tons of time. It’s such a smart method.

The quilt is roughly 60×60 and will find it’s home in the living room where I’m slowly amassing a nice collection of quilts.

The lights go out all around me
One last candle to keep out the night
And then the darkness surrounds me
I know I’m alive but I feel like I’ve died
And all that’s left is to accept that it’s over
My dreams ran like sand through the fists that I made
I try to keep warm but I just grow colder
I feel like I’m slipping away

After all this has passed, I still will remain
After I’ve cried my last, there’ll be beauty from pain
Though it won’t be today, someday I’ll hope again
And there’ll be beauty from pain
You will bring beauty from my pain

My whole world is the pain inside me
The best I can do is just get through the day
When life before is only a memory
I’ll wonder why God lets me walk through this place
And though I can’t understand why this happened
I know that I will when I look back someday
And see how you’ve brought beauty from ashes
And made me as gold purified through these flames

After all this has passed, I still will remain
After I’ve cried my last, there’ll be beauty from pain
Though it won’t be today, someday I’ll hope again
And there’ll be beauty from pain
You will bring beauty from my pain

Here I am at the end of me (at the end of me)
Tryin’ to hold to what I can’t see (to what I can’t see)
I forgot how to hope
This night’s been so long
I cling to Your promise
There will be a dawn

After all this has passed, I still will remain
After I’ve cried my last, there’ll be beauty from pain
Though it won’t be today, someday I’ll hope again
And there’ll be beauty from pain
You will bring beauty from my pain

-superchic[k]

Tonight was a rough night. The kids, overtired from being up late the night before, decided to push every boundary I had given them. They both completely melted down and I couldn’t help but find myself hating Jim a little for not being here for his kids that need him. It’s hard to live someone else’s consequences.

A few years ago, when I could acutely feel my heart ripping apart, I found this song by Switchfoot that I listened to over and over and over again. I slept with it on repeat in my headphones. Now, every time it comes on, I’m immediately transported to that time. I think sound triggers memory even better than smell.

When the few people who knew what was going on with me would ask how I was doing, I would tell them that there was still a gaping hole in me, the edges were just healing. I remember crying and feeling like there was this vortex in my chest, this sucking wound that just pulled everything into it and out of me. It felt like it would never be filled.

Tonight that Switchfoot song came on my pandora station and, trigger that it is, pulled me in. I realize now that things hurt me… it hurts to see your kids reeling from decisions that are not their own. But I don’t have that gaping wound in me any more. I feel so whole, even when I’m sad or raw. I told my therapist that I couldn’t really tell you how I got here (although I give him and Jesus a lot of credit) but I’m here. I feel healthier than I ever have in my entire life and I’m doing it without my husband.

I am just so incredibly thankful.

Only Hope – Switchfoot
There’s a song that’s inside of my soul
It’s the one that I’ve tried to write
over and over again
I’m awake and in the infinite cold
But You sing to me over and over and
over again

So I lay my head back down
And I lift my hands
And pray to be only Yours
I pray to be only Yours
I know now You’re my only hope

Sing to me of the song of the stars
Of Your galaxy dancing and laughing
and laughing again
When it feels like my dreams are so far
Sing to me of the plans that You have
for me over again

I give You my apathy
I’m giving You all of me
I want Your symphony
Singing in all that I am
At the top of my lungs I’m giving it back

You may not know this about me, but I’ve been on this quest for a deodorant that doesn’t have aluminum, isn’t an antiperspirant and actually works. Apparently, that’s really too much to ask!

I have so many tubes of deodorant that don’t work stacked up in my bathroom cabinet… and because it’s hard to find a woman’s deodorant that isn’t an antiperspirant, I even considered switching to men’s. Just what I’ve always wanted to smell like…old spice!

But I’m happy to announce that I’ve finally found something amazing! I read about this deodorant in ReadyMade magazine and had to try it. This stuff has worked through me running 5k’s, I’ve never noticed myself being stinky at the gym or any time since I’ve started using it. Needless to say, I’m completely sold.

It’s definitely different than any kind I’ve tried. It’s a cream that comes in a pot and has to be applied with your fingers. (Which doesn’t bother me at all.) There are powders in the cream so it goes on a little gritty, but I’ve never noticed the grit after it’s been applied. The best part is that it smells amazing.

Deoderant Cream by Soapwalla Kitchen

We’re doing pretty well over here.
Considering.
I know it’s going to be a long time before the kids and I reach the end of our loss, our grief. But in the day-to-day we function well and the pain seems to be subsiding a little bit.

Life is definitely still going on. We spent some time in Denver at the beginning of spring break and projects have been in abundance (as always). Eden started Girls on the Run, which she has really been enjoying. It’s a great program for girls and at the end of the school year, they all run a 5k. Eden is doing well with her training and I’m sure she will be able to run the 5k easily, lapping me for sure.

I hardly ever remember to take pictures of anything I’m doing these days, but here are a few:

twinzies loving their food

my new dining room floor, all shiny and white

so many more vegetables being consumed here now that our biggest meat eater isn’t here anymore

inspired by anthropologie

Honor, seeming so old these days

more to come…

The kids are still struggling, each in their own ways. Though, I will say they are doing better than I had anticipated. Eden is very sad, yet coming to acceptance. She thinks Jim’s choice to leave is really dumb and has theories that someone is forcing him to stay away. (Oh, dear one, you are too smart.) Honor has been showing his grief through his actions and has been getting into a lot of trouble both at school and at home. I’m working to find ways to help him express his feelings other than just being naughty. He is such a 7 year old boy.

They both really cling to me and I am so thankful that I am healthy and able to be here for them. These past 2.5 years have afforded me the opportunity to get most of my grieving out of the way and work on myself (I still am with a wonderful therapist) and I am just so thankful for that. That time in limbo was so valuable for my healing – time I would never take back as horrible as being in limbo is. This is such a difficult time of life, but I continue to see signs that even this has been orchestrated, like a brilliant story. And I can feel the good, peaceful times not far around the bend.