Last night I had to take the mandatory co-parenting class that is required to get divorced. One more step forward… It was so sad to sit in a room with 20 or so people who are watching their families be torn apart. This is just not the way things are supposed to be – families are not supposed to be ripped in half.

I have a little less than a month until the divorce is final. And I’ve been thinking a lot about what could be… one last look back I guess. The final tears shed for what I’ve lost.

The one thing that I wrote down from the class last night was this: you move in the direction that you are focused on. I’ve been thinking about what my focus was for the last three years and what it is now. For three years all I could think of is what could be, that maybe Jim would change, that maybe things could be healed, that all I wanted is for things to go back to the way they used to be. When Jim told me he wanted to leave, I was propelled forward. Against my will maybe, but forward. I was forced to look at the world as it was and I was forced to imagine my life being different. That was SO good for me. I started looking at something other than the past and what I was losing and I started seeing the possibilities of what lies ahead. My heart healed so much and so quickly once I started focusing on the future.

Moving forward is such an act of faith, especially when you have been stuck for so long. I still remind myself of the words God whispered to me one morning in the early stages of this: “I know what I’m doing with you.” I clung to those words. I still do. Because I maybe don’t know what I’m doing with myself, but he has a plan.

Now my goal is to decide what that future will look like for me. To choose where I want to go and how I will get there. Never in my adult life have I had the sole decision-making ability over what I want or where I want my life to go. It’s a tall order, but a good one. There is so much freedom in having the power to move your own life. And that’s just what I’m going to do.

On the 4th, the kids and I spent the entire day with Jim. And it didn’t feel weird at all. I will always love Jim because he is my kids dad and I will always choose to love him, but I don’t want him anymore. Part of me wishes I did, that there was some amount of fight left in me for this marriage, but I am just so done. It is just so over.

And for me, I’m really fine about all of this. We can still raise our kids together, we can still be friends and have family dinner on Sundays, we can still hang out on a raft in the river with a bunch of our friends and it not be awkward. I’m thankful for that. I’m thankful that I can still keep a little piece of Jim – that I haven’t lost him entirely.

I’m thankful that I can move on too. That I’m not living in limbo anymore, that I have the chance to have a real marriage again someday, that things can finally be different after they were the same for SO long. I’m thankful that I’m healthy and SO happy, happier than I’ve been in so long – which I know sounds strange considering the place I’m at. But I am.

I hope that it stays this way. Right now it’s pretty good. I hope that bringing new people into our lives doesn’t change things for the worse but the better. And I hope that we can always be able to watch the fireworks with the kids together.

Today Jim and I had an early morning appointment at the courthouse and filed our paperwork for divorce. I had actually hoped to have the papers filed much sooner, my goal was to have the divorce final before my birthday in September, but we didn’t get it together and are going to be about two weeks shy of that goal.

I’ve decided that all that paperwork is part of the state’s way of discouraging divorce. It was NOT fun to get all that information together. And I am SO glad to have it over with.

As we were walking in this morning, I was overcome with a deep sense of gratitude. Everything I have been through lately has brought divorce horror stories out of the woodwork. It’s so sad what a broken marriage can turn into. I am very thankful that Jim and I are still on really good terms, friends even, and that we can work together for the best interest of our children. I’m also so thankful that Jim has worked hard to make sure the kids and I are still taken care of. I realize how rare and special this is.

90 days from now I will be single and a new chapter of my life will begin. This nearly 3 year journey has taught me SO much and changed me in so many ways that I don’t recognize that person I used to be. Today, I’m doing really well emotionally. So much of my grieving has already happened and I’ve just come to so much acceptance. I’m just ready for the new and wonderful things that are in store for me.

I’ve been writing this post in my head for the last two and a half years. It’s been two and a half years since Jim said he didn’t want to be with me anymore. Today he moved out and by the time this post goes live, we will have told the children that he is leaving. I dread that moment more than anything I’ve ever done.

I’ve fought so hard for this marriage, probably harder than I should have. I’ve compromised myself in ways and have been so desperate that I’m ashamed of the disrespect I’ve shown myself. I’ve been fighting for an amazing man, not seeing that I lost that man a long time ago. The man who moved out today was nothing like the one I married 11 years ago.

To say that the last 2.5 years have been difficult would, perhaps, be the biggest understatement I have ever made. The last 2.5 years have been absolutely tortuous. And I wouldn’t take a minute of it back. I’ve come such a long way while I waited in limbo. I’ve learned and accepted so much about myself and I’ve seen how God has been preparing me for this very moment. I’ve seen how, even in this, he has a plan for me and it’s good and not bad and there will be a future. I’ve been sifting through the layers of loss for so long that I feel as though I’m coming to the end… to acceptance. I’m eager, almost excited, to move forward. I don’t know what the future holds, but that’s terribly thrilling to me. I don’t really believe that life gives us do-overs, but I almost feel as though I have one. A second chance anyway.

I feel sad, but loved and very hopeful. I know we’re going to be ok. I’m worried about managing two little broken hearts, but I’m counting on grace to hold onto us – my little family that went from 4 to 3 today.

(I’m writing this not for pity or sympathy, but because, as often as I’m ashamed to admit I’ve participated in it, I detest gossip. I feel it’s better coming from the “horse’s mouth” than from someone who heard from someone else who heard from someone else. And I’m also writing this because I feel as though I’ve been living with this secret for so long. I’ve hated how protecting my family’s privacy has caused me to be unauthentic at times. Without authenticity, how can we truly have friendships? I’m ready to live my life out loud and in the light.)

Last night was date night. After we ate dinner on main street (mmm, fish tacos!), Jim surprised me with a room key to one of the fancy downtown hotels. We had a suite equipped with a kitchenette, living room area and separate bed room. The best part was, by far, the king sized tempur-pedic bed that we got to sleep in. Can I just say that $3k is totally worth it for that bed and I’m totally saving up for one now!

I am so thankful for my husband who works so hard for our family and who loves me FOR my flaws, not despite them. And I continue to realize how lucky and blessed I am that my 18 year old self knew to marry such a great man…. that girl, 8.5 years ago… she was kind of smart…

•Yesterday was blog action day and I missed it! But I’d like to go ahead and write about my dish washer detergent discoveries. Back when I started becoming more aware of my environmental impact, I decided to switch to Seventh Generation dish detergent. I probably costs close to twice what I pay for Cascade at Target, but I felt like the extra 2-4 dollars a month was worth it.

What I didn’t realize is how much better it makes my food taste. I realized this when I ran out of dish soap and didn’t have time to run to the health food store to pick up more. So I just grabbed a box of Cascade from Target. Whenever I would drink out of plastic cups washed with Cascade the taste of soap and chemicals was SO bad that I couldn’t stand it! Even out of glass containers, the soap taste came through. So! Not only is using seventh generation more eco friendly, but it also makes me not freak out when drinking water. (As we all know, this happens frequently.)

•Do you think it’s possible to for your eyelashes to get longer? I think possibly mine might have gotten a tiny bit longer. This would be a very important event.

•Today is our 8th anniversary. Wow that’s a long time! But it’s been a good 8 years and I am SO thankful for my husband and our marriage. yay!

I can’t count anymore how many people I know who are divorcing, have divorced or are experiencing marital difficulties. I hear about a new couple breaking up weekly. Frankly, I’m not sure if my heart can break anymore. I can’t stop thinking about the husbands who have betrayed their wives, the wives who have betrayed their husbands, the parents who have betrayed their children. I feel a little betrayed myself. Neither Jim nor I have parental examples to look to so I find myself looking to others I respect to see how a marriage should work. Who are we supposed to look to anymore?

Mark Driscoll talks about how a lot of Christians stay far away from sin because they don’t want to become sucked into it. But it’s the people who are right up in sin’s face that know exactly why they would never want to participate. He talks about living in a neighborhood with drug dealers and users, watching them throw their lives in the toilet and knowing that he never wanted that for his life.

I’ve experienced adultery in every aspect of my life except my own marriage. I’ve seen the destruction infidelity brings close up and I want nothing to do with it. Sometimes being married is not all peaches and cream, sometimes I am attracted to other people, sometimes I am certain that my life is not what I want. But I know for certain that a moment of pleasure is not worth the end of my life as I know it now. I know that the covenant that I made with my husband and the promise that I’ve made to my children is WAY, WAY more important than ANYTHING else in my life. I know that acting on my emotions is the most unwise thing I could do. I’ve gotten right in the face of it and I KNOW that I couldn’t and won’t willingly break the people I love.

What more can I say? I just send my plea out into the cosmos, to all the people who are married: I beg you, please, stay faithful to your family. Even if you don’t have kids, your life effects EVERYONE. Your choices effect everyone. Please prove to the world that selflessness is still possible, that promises still mean something, that pleasure is not our number one goal. Please.

A friend and I were talking yesterday about how our parents divorces have effected us, even into our adulthood. And it got me wondering, To what extent are parents obligated to make their marriage work for their children?

My sister and I requested that our mom divorce our dad. But I think we had this fairy tale idea that a divorce would make everything better. It made some things better, some things worse and everything different. I guess I still wish that my parents were married with a good marriage. And I’m sad that it was never a possibility.

There’s no point in time when divorce doesn’t effect the kids, Jim was 26 when his parents got divorced. I have adult friends whose parents are still married, and I know it would just rock their entire world if their parents got divorced.

In the end, I just really hope that my kids never have to deal with figuring out which parent they will invite over for Thanksgiving, worrying about how their parents will act if they are in the same room together, wondering if it is their fault, and wishing things were different.

I know that I’m only coming at this from the child’s perspective, but I’d like to hear your thoughts on divorce. What would be your criteria for getting divorced? How has divorce effected you? Would you stay married just for the sake of your children? When do you think divorce is a better option than staying married?

Recently some friends of ours went to a marriage conference. They were really excited about what they came away with from the conference and they told us all about it over takeout. (Takeout that I had to drive all the way across town to take back because they gave me Wonton Soup when I ordered Hot and Sour soup and I must have my Hot and Sour Soup.)

The premise of the conference was that men need respect and women need love. Men need sex, women need communication. And I thought that was a very interesting perspective, but not necessarily a box that I fit into. I thought, “I need respect. I need sex. And I need love.” (Did I just say that for the whole internet to read? Oh, my.) It wasn’t until a lengthy conversation with Jim the other night that I realized that I may just fit into that box.

We had a conversation about his responsibilities – being the primary breadwinner – and my responsibilities – being the primary caregiver to the kids and housekeeper which I really, really don’t like, (the housekeeping part, not the kid part.) Basically after two hours of discussing, it boils down the fact that Jim feels love from me by my cleaning the house and caring for the kids. But I wouldn’t think that Jim wasn’t showing me love if he wasn’t bringing in enough money. I would think that he wasn’t showing me love if he wasn’t being sweet to me, showing affection, being kind and considerate and thoughtful, and showing me respect.

My first reaction to Jim’s point of view was to feel totally manipulated. “If you loved me, you’d clean the house.” Not that he said that, but it’s what it made me think at first. It also didn’t really appeal to the (semi) feminist in me. Why should I be the one who has to do the laundry and clean the house? Why should HE require this of me? When I’m going off on these little tangents in my brain, I hate when reasoning enters in. It’s just a division of labor. Someone has to do these things, and that person is me. I suppose if I wanted to go work full time, Jim could start shrinking washing the clothes.

And it dawned on me that he feels that the best way to show me love is for him to go do his job and do it well and provide for our family. In turn, he’d interpret my show of love in the same way – by me fulfilling my obligations. This was a really startling revelation for me! How could cleaning the house (etc.) say that I love him? Being sweet and thoughtful and loving means that I loved him…. doesn’t it?

And I realized that all this meant that we really do view love differently. While he should be aware of the way that I interpret love, I should realize that he’s doing the very best to show me love in HIS way. And while I should be aware of the way he interprets love, he should realize that I’m doing the very best to show him love in MY way. Alternately, I think it’s best for both of us to try and show each other love in the way it will be best understood.

And it made me wonder, how many marriages fail because each person can’t realize that the other person’s lack of action isn’t saying, “I don’t love you.” It’s just a lack of action. I don’t know, maybe it’s about love and respect. But I really think it’s more about communication. We’ve been married six years, and it’s taken me this long to realize that we view things differently. It’s taken six years of talking and fighting and making up and doing it all over again to finally come to this revelation. What will I think in six more years? I can’t wait to find out.

We picked up our car from the shop yesterday. It was really sad to give Jim’s dad’s van back to him. As much as I resist the idea of driving around a minivan (I’m only 24! I should be driving some cool European hatch back.), it is SO nice for taking the kids around town. Like a night and day difference between a minivan and our little Honda Civic.

But we gave the van back and picked up the Honda. And we got very good news! It didn’t end up being the clutch, it was the axle after all. We saved $450.00. Thank God. My dad was relieved too, cause he was starting to doubt his diagnostic abilities. I’m just relieved that all my hard work at the yarn store this month isn’t going to go towards the stupid car.

Tonight Jim and I are going to celebrate our 6th anniversary (which is actually Sunday.) My friend Melissa was so sweet to offer to take the kids for us all night tonight. I can’t believe that it’s been six years. But in some ways, I can’t really remember my life before being married. I was really young when I decided to get married, not even 18 years old, but I knew then that it was the right decision. I’ve spent the last six years knowing that my 17 year old self knew what she was doing. I can only see God’s hand on my life, and I am more grateful than words can say.