On the 4th, the kids and I spent the entire day with Jim. And it didn’t feel weird at all. I will always love Jim because he is my kids dad and I will always choose to love him, but I don’t want him anymore. Part of me wishes I did, that there was some amount of fight left in me for this marriage, but I am just so done. It is just so over.

And for me, I’m really fine about all of this. We can still raise our kids together, we can still be friends and have family dinner on Sundays, we can still hang out on a raft in the river with a bunch of our friends and it not be awkward. I’m thankful for that. I’m thankful that I can still keep a little piece of Jim – that I haven’t lost him entirely.

I’m thankful that I can move on too. That I’m not living in limbo anymore, that I have the chance to have a real marriage again someday, that things can finally be different after they were the same for SO long. I’m thankful that I’m healthy and SO happy, happier than I’ve been in so long – which I know sounds strange considering the place I’m at. But I am.

I hope that it stays this way. Right now it’s pretty good. I hope that bringing new people into our lives doesn’t change things for the worse but the better. And I hope that we can always be able to watch the fireworks with the kids together.

I’ve been writing this post in my head for the last two and a half years. It’s been two and a half years since Jim said he didn’t want to be with me anymore. Today he moved out and by the time this post goes live, we will have told the children that he is leaving. I dread that moment more than anything I’ve ever done.

I’ve fought so hard for this marriage, probably harder than I should have. I’ve compromised myself in ways and have been so desperate that I’m ashamed of the disrespect I’ve shown myself. I’ve been fighting for an amazing man, not seeing that I lost that man a long time ago. The man who moved out today was nothing like the one I married 11 years ago.

To say that the last 2.5 years have been difficult would, perhaps, be the biggest understatement I have ever made. The last 2.5 years have been absolutely tortuous. And I wouldn’t take a minute of it back. I’ve come such a long way while I waited in limbo. I’ve learned and accepted so much about myself and I’ve seen how God has been preparing me for this very moment. I’ve seen how, even in this, he has a plan for me and it’s good and not bad and there will be a future. I’ve been sifting through the layers of loss for so long that I feel as though I’m coming to the end… to acceptance. I’m eager, almost excited, to move forward. I don’t know what the future holds, but that’s terribly thrilling to me. I don’t really believe that life gives us do-overs, but I almost feel as though I have one. A second chance anyway.

I feel sad, but loved and very hopeful. I know we’re going to be ok. I’m worried about managing two little broken hearts, but I’m counting on grace to hold onto us – my little family that went from 4 to 3 today.

(I’m writing this not for pity or sympathy, but because, as often as I’m ashamed to admit I’ve participated in it, I detest gossip. I feel it’s better coming from the “horse’s mouth” than from someone who heard from someone else who heard from someone else. And I’m also writing this because I feel as though I’ve been living with this secret for so long. I’ve hated how protecting my family’s privacy has caused me to be unauthentic at times. Without authenticity, how can we truly have friendships? I’m ready to live my life out loud and in the light.)

I like how you
think it’s cute when I say
pink.
And how
you grow a beard for shock factor.
I like how
you are completely enthralled when you sit and color
with
the kids.
And how you will never
give up
your obsession for Apples.
And how you are in this
with me
forever
no matter what.
I like that our kids will always have a dad
who’s there
for them
because of that.
I like how you
secretly
like the dog
even though you’ll never admit it.
And how, for you,
the glass is
always
half full.
I like that you like to go camping
and to the movies
and to the park
and shopping.

just kidding.

And I like
that you like me.

“Zombie movies are stupid.”

“They’re not stupid. They teach us about ourselves. They teach us what we’d all be like if we came back from the dead…. and hungered for brains.”

I love my husband. I say that a lot but sometimes I don’t soak it in enough. Today I am soaking it in. He is such a good man – seems like those are hard to come by. I was thinking the other day about what a rock he has been to our relationship. He’s never been caught up in my tide of emotions. Things have always been good with our relationship, but he could have easily reacted to my bad behavior and let our relationship spiral out of control. (Do you get emotional and think the world is ending and then when you snap out of it, it’s like, “Oh, nevermind, things are great!”?)

There was a period that I became caught up in everything he did that bothered me. All I could focus on was all those little nit picky things that he did and was. I was allowing myself become unhappy with everything I didn’t have until one day what I did have slapped me in the face. I wasted all this time not reveling in what I HAD. And I have a lot.

Today I am so, SO thankful for my husband.

ME: “You and me, we’ve both really got it together.”

MY WONDERFUL ALL KNOWING PERFECT HUSBAND (as he calls himself): “I’m really not that organized, but compared to most of the people I know, I’m a freakin day planner and they’re just crumpled up stickies on the floor board. I’m a PDA and they are a wall calendar from two years back that never got changed after February.”

Last weekend we were at a friends house having dinner when the topic of love languages came up. Mine, according to Sarah, is nurturing. But none of us could figure out what Jim’s is. I remained unconvinced that Jim HAS a love language, but he determined that his love language is giving people a hard time. Relentlessly.

That is why what happened Wednesday should have come as no surprise to me:

During lunch, Jim walked over to the local barber to get a much needed hair cut. I was in the bathroom doing my hair when he got home. As he walked in, he was trying to keep a mischievous grin off his face, but that’s not terribly unusual so I didn’t think much of it. He was looking at me straight on and I commented on how happy I was that he cut his hair. That was until he walked away.

I did a double take and realized that he had told the barber to give him a MULLET. On purpose. FOR the purpose of annoying me. Isn’t he SO special?

Until he did this, I was all set to write about the time he told his afraid-of-committment friend that it was better to learn to really please one woman than to have akward sexual relationships with lots of them. And I would have made you oh, so jealous. But now? Not so much.

(And PS, just so you can have a true idea of the WHOLE story, I’m allergic to cheese, the store is 4 blocks away, and he bought me fruit punch while I was puking. FRUIT PUNCH!)

I think I’ve mentioned before that Jim is an amazing guitar player. Like truly, truly mindblowing. So good that I don’t even know how good he is. Not long after I met Jim, he formed a band with his roomates. The band was called SMA – Shadrack Meshack and Abednego. The were together for several years – they recorded an album, recorded a couple songs for a widespread sampler album and traveled all over the place playing any gig they could get their hands on.

The band broke up when we all started getting married. And then they got back together a few years later just as we were all starting to have babies. The music was bigger and better, it reflected, I think, the maturity that the three guys had gained in the past years. And it was a fun ride while it lasted. Being in a band doesn’t really lend itself to family life, and I think that’s eventually why it didn’t last.

Yesterday, Jim spent the day collecting everything they had ever recorded, he’s getting together a little website with all the music on it. Click Here to listen to the first song they ever wrote together. This song evolved and changed as the guys did. It’s my personal favorite. Jim is singing and, of course, playing the guitar.

Jim started guitar lessons when he was 4 years old and he decided that it was time to start Eden’s lessons too. Honor got a little ukulele so he wouldn’t feel left out. They learned yesterday how to hold the guitar and Eden told me all about how you should pick the ukulele and strum the guitar. But I think the thing she’s most excited about is her hot pink barbie pick.

Here are my little musicians in action:

Mid strum, singing Old McDonald.

Jim’s movie review: the DaVinci Code.