Both of the children texted Josh and I today worrying about Net Neutrality. They both also have Net Neutrality written on their Christmas lists (really). I can’t say it better than Honor, who is 14, so I’ll leave you with his words:

“Net neutrality is gone, this is a very scary reminder of the state of our country, something that will affect (almost) every single person in America negatively was passed without anyone wanting it. The only people this benefits are pre-existing internet service providers, things like Verizon, AT&T, and Comcast. (FREAKING COMCAST) This is a very big issue that we need to fix. Please inform yourselves and use common sense, it’s really not that hard.”

Last night I spent over an hour with Honor reminding him of who he really is. That he is smart and kind and sweet and brave and good at math and reading and computers. He’s been believing the lies that the kids in his class are telling him: that he’s stupid, that he’s a “book worm” (apparently a high insult), that he’s not athletic. Aside from the mama-bear rage that this incites in me, I also feel guilt.

I’m telling Honor all of these things that I know are true about him, telling him over and over again to believe the truth about himself, not the lies other people tell, and I worry that he got this propensity from me. I had to laugh at the irony of ME telling this to anyone. Last time I saw my therapist he asked me, “When are you going to start believing that you’re a really cool person?”

I think Honor and I both get caught up in the fact that, yes, people are actually communicating things that are not true to us: That we are unimportant or stupid, unloved or un-liked, that we are not worth someone’s time, love or attention. I think I needed someone to acknowledge to me, YES, this is actually what someone is saying to you with their actions. Yes, Honor, they are telling you lies. Yes, it’s actually happening, it’s not all in your head. You are validated.

I told Honor last night that when someone tells him that he’s bad at math that that’s actually pretty funny because he isn’t bad at math, we’ve got the test scores to prove it. I asked him what he would think if someone told me I was bad at knitting. That’s pretty ridiculous, I’m not, I’ve got the sweaters to prove it. I wanted to normalize to him that people can say things that we don’t have to believe.

I think I have some pretty deep and valid abandonment issues so my default is to always believe that I’m unimportant, unloved, alone. All I want so deeply is to be considered. I’ve come to see that my problem is that I only believe the truth about myself when someone is telling me that I’m important, loved, surrounded.

I need to believe those things are true.
Even when someone is telling me that they’re not.

It’s hard to be 11 and on your way to middle school where the kids are only going to get meaner. (It’s hard to be 33, too.) I want so badly to instill these concepts into Honor now, to give him an inner peace that will get him through anything. I don’t want him to have to be learning these lessons in adulthood when he has 30 years of baggage and lies to wade through. I hope, hope, hope that undoing 33 years of lies I’ve so willingly swallowed will give me the wisdom to help Honor learn to believe what is true about himself.

When am I going to start believing that I’m a really cool person? I think now sounds good.

Today Honor told me that he wishes he could be in middle school now so he wouldn’t have to go back to his school. Apparently some of the kids have started a rumor that Honor is paying someone to have sex with him. He’s 11.

He doesn’t know who started the rumor but his classmates keep coming up to him asking him how much he’s paying.

Kids can be such dicks.

Legos
I build, I build, I build.
When I’m done…
I battle!!!
BOOM! CRASH!
Yes! I win!

By Honor

Honor turned 8 yesterday. We celebrated with Jim at Sonic and Red Mango which Honor was VERY excited about. I decided at the last minute to re-do his room for his birthday. I did Eden’s for her 8th birthday and his room was really disgusting so it needed it. Plus it was time to go with something more boyish. The last time the room had been decorated was 10 years ago when I was pregnant with Eden.

I spent the entire day painting yesterday and loaded everything back into the room today. Honor hasn’t seen it yet, but I think he will really like it. The walls still need some art – Honor plans to draw me some monsters that I can paint on the wall (or maybe a canvas). I want to add more orange in too.

My Uncle painted this in 1977.

The duvet is from Ikea as well as the dog tail hook and alarm clock. The skull rug & pillow, black sheets, black blanket, rugs and wall hook unit with the pencil cups are from Target (most everything was on clearance). The little table and chairs set was mine when I was a kid and the dresser we had custom made for Eden – it’s in need of some repair.

Total cost including paint for the walls and floor: $175.00

Last night we were at a BBQ with some friends and this fantastic beetle found it’s way into someone’s car. Honor was so impressed with it that I let him take it home. I’m pretty sure that it’s a California Prionus.

Luckily for me, Honor had the brilliant idea to see if the Math and Science Center would want the beetle. (I think this beast freaked him out a little bit.) So today we dropped off Cockroach, the beetle, to his new home. Honor was thrilled that they were going to keep the name he chose. And that he will be able to visit his buddy frequently as soon as school starts again. The biologist at the Math and Science Center said that beetles like this live most of their life as grubs and that this guy will probably only live life as a beetle for about 4 months. Fascinating. I’m so glad that it’s not living with me anymore.

“Dad, we had an accident. It was a spiller. And my tiger has apple cider on him now.”

Today Honor turns 5 years old. My baby! I can’t believe that he is five… As much as I’ve longed for this day – in my mind 5 was the magical age in which he would be easier – I’m now sad having reached it. He is easier, in fact he has been quite a joy lately. Almost every day he comes up to me with a tender look on his face and tells me, “Mom, you’re so cute.” (Can’t wait to see him when he’s a teenager trying to woo girls.)

Honor’s number one request for his birthday present was a live lobster. He’s been pleading his case over the last few months as we visited the lobster case at the grocery store. “Please mom, I want a pet wobster! Pleeeaaaseee?!” I never could quite reason with him as to why we couldn’t keep a lobster as a pet, but hopefully he will be happy with the slightly used Gameboy advance that we bought him instead.

I think the next year for Honor might find him in preschool. He asked me yesterday if he would be going to school now that he is 5. Poor kiddo! He’s so lonely when Eden is in school! He also asked me if he could use the microwave now that he is 5. But, alas, no microwave usage for Mr. Honor as the last time he used it, he cooked a breadstick for 45 minutes before we discovered it.

Well, it’s opening presents time. Honor has been “dying” with all this waiting!

I wanna watch TV.

No, we’re going to get rid of TV.

No! Please? I really like TV. It’s the only thing I like to do!

Sorry, TV isn’t good for us. We don’t need to watch it.

But TV shows us stuff that we want to buy.

__________________________________________

It’s time to blow up our life. We’ve been far too complacent and self absorbed for far to long. I don’t know exactly what that means for all of us, but we will all be changing our lives together. Getting rid of cable is just one of the first small steps. Getting rid of the “stuff” that we just think we have to have is the next.

I’m excited.