For the past week and a half Jim has been experiencing partial numbness of the whole left side of his body, at times, including the left side of his tongue. Probably for the past month, his left leg as been numb at times, but as of last Monday, it’s been all over the left side of his body and all the time. He has seen the chiropractor a few times and yesterday, the chiropractor determined, with great concern, that he could not help Jim and suggested he see the doctor right away.

Jim was able to see our family doctor yesterday and $140* later, the doctor doesn’t know what’s wrong with him. He’d like Jim to have some blood tests and after that possibly see a neurologist. We’re talking some very large medical bills with no insurance. It’s hard to know what to do because it’s all scary, but the likelihood is that he’s having these problems because he sits at a desk all day and gets very little exercise. And the doctor didn’t seem too worried, which is some sort of a relief, even though he doesn’t know what’s wrong.

At this point we’re going to try to exercise every day. Jim will start taking an anti inflammatory the doctor gave him and we may hold off on the blood tests for awhile. I will try my hardest to refrain from freaking out on an hourly basis. And the hardest thing that we will do, and definitely the most important, is trust God that he will keep Jim safe and well.

*Can you believe that it was $140 to see the doctor for just a chat? They didn’t even do any tests or anything. It’s outrageous.

I never watch the news, so I didn’t know until I talked to my mom yesterday that the town my uncle, aunt and cousins live in was hit by a tornado on Friday. Thank God they are ok, although their home and vehicle were damaged. Luckily they were not home when the tornado hit, which damaged their roof and ripped off the deck that my uncle had just finished painting.

These are the things that are a reality check slap in the face. There are people who do not have a place to sleep tonight. Kind of puts life into perspective. I am grateful for life today, for health, for food in the fridge, for a vehicle that works (even though punk kids stole the Honda emblems off it the other night!), for (a little bit of) money in my bank account, for a nice house with a nice yard, for great friends and for the family we have that cares.

It’s a good day.

Jim’s oldest sister called today to tell us that their middle sister had a baby early this morning. We didn’t even know that she was pregnant. Without going into details, I’ll just say that she and Jim had a falling out right after Honor was born. It was the one and only time that she’s even seen him. Since then it’s caused the whole family to feel caught in the middle. They have been forced to choose sides, more often than not, it hasn’t been Jim’s side. (I don’t totally KNOW why, but I guess that they’ve been put in an impossible situation and maybe they know that Jim can take it? Because he can. I can’t, but he can.)

I’m writing today because my heart is broken. I’ve got two nephews that I’m just in love with that I never see and may never again see. I’ve now got a little niece that I will probably never know. My kids will never have the joy of growing up with their cousins. They will never know their aunt, who despite her problems, is such a cool person. It just kills me that our nephews probably don’t even remember us anymore. We couldn’t even send them a birthday present because no one would tell us where they were.

Today, that should be so full of joy over the start of a new life, is filled with so much sorrow and heart ache. It just really really hurts. Life just isn’t worth holding grudges. It’s not worth all this pain. It’s not worth our kids missing out on vital relationships.

I just want to say, wherever you are, we love you. We’ve always loved you and all we’ve ever wanted for you is happiness. If us not being in your life, means your happiness, then we’re willing to deal with that. But I just want you to know that we still care so very much. And that we care so very much about your children. It is my deepest hope that someday there can be healing in your relationship with your brother.