This morning, at 10am, I got divorced. Just, you know, like it was any other day. If you follow me on twitter you know that I’ve been counting down the days until D-day. Not because I am trying to make light of getting divorced (I value marriage more highly now than ever) but because I knew how significant this day would be for me. I have been waiting and waiting and WAITING for my life to be different and today it finally is. Today means I finally have the chance to have what I have been wanting (and missing) for years – a chance to be adored.

Today also marks the final step in my transformation. You know how, when people have been through some shit, they have this kind of knowing wisdom behind their eyes? I feel like I have that now – this quiet understanding of loss and grief and fear coupled with the knowledge that we humans can survive just about anything. My friend and I call it being awake.

I come out of this with a deep-seated trust in God that I never understood before. This week I have been looking at myself marveling at the amazing plan God has worked in me. Just one month ago I wasn’t quite ready for this next chapter in my life. But this week I woke up completely ready for what is next. The timing could not have been orchestrated better. I look at myself and am truly in awe at where I am. For so many years getting divorced was my very worst fear and I just lived through it. I didn’t survive it, I LIVED through it. And now I’m on the other side and I’m completely fine.

I’ve been surprised at this amazing sense of freedom I’ve been feeling. I have always loved being married and I fought SO hard to keep my marriage together. But I am SO happy to have it over. I am abundantly thankful that I get the chance to move on. I distinctly remember the day that I realized, I don’t need a husband. I still would like to have one again someday, but I don’t need one. I am complete just as I am and I am happy.

Coming through this has taught me exactly what it takes to make a marriage work – what it means to love. It has taught me how to fight and what is worth fighting for. And even though things didn’t end up the way I had originally wanted, I am so thankful for the way things are now. I’m so thankful that God knew better than me.

Today I’m taking the time to thank the amazing people who have gotten me here, to thank Jesus for saving me (from so much more than hell) and to celebrate where I am. I honestly never thought I would be here. I never thought it could be this good. When I was living in month’s long panic attacks, I never imagined that I would be here right now, so thankful for what that time did to me, in me. I don’t think I will ever cease to be amazed by the plan that was orchestrated in my life. It is truly overwhelming.

Thank you all for loving me through this.

Last Thursday I turned 30 years old. I’ve had several people ask me how I feel about being 30 as they hold their breath waiting for the answer. This milestone wasn’t hard for me at all. I think partly because nearly all of my friends have already turned 30, and partly because I know that there is something so significant about the timing of my turning thirty and my divorce that will be final in two weeks. I love how my new decade starts with such a fresh start in my life.

This year I decided that I wanted to order myself something significant to commemorate this birthday. I’ve been wanting a new ring – something to symbolize the new start in my life. And something that would serve as a reminder of where I have been. So I had it custom made from etsy and it arrived on my birthday – perfect timing!

I had the inside engraved with a verse from the Bible that has gotten me through heartache.

Isaiah 41:13
For I am the LORD your God
who takes hold of your right hand
and says to you, Do not fear;
I will help you.

It was important to me to wear the ring on my right hand, as a reminder that I am not alone, that God has a plan for me and that it’s good.

Last night I had to take the mandatory co-parenting class that is required to get divorced. One more step forward… It was so sad to sit in a room with 20 or so people who are watching their families be torn apart. This is just not the way things are supposed to be – families are not supposed to be ripped in half.

I have a little less than a month until the divorce is final. And I’ve been thinking a lot about what could be… one last look back I guess. The final tears shed for what I’ve lost.

The one thing that I wrote down from the class last night was this: you move in the direction that you are focused on. I’ve been thinking about what my focus was for the last three years and what it is now. For three years all I could think of is what could be, that maybe Jim would change, that maybe things could be healed, that all I wanted is for things to go back to the way they used to be. When Jim told me he wanted to leave, I was propelled forward. Against my will maybe, but forward. I was forced to look at the world as it was and I was forced to imagine my life being different. That was SO good for me. I started looking at something other than the past and what I was losing and I started seeing the possibilities of what lies ahead. My heart healed so much and so quickly once I started focusing on the future.

Moving forward is such an act of faith, especially when you have been stuck for so long. I still remind myself of the words God whispered to me one morning in the early stages of this: “I know what I’m doing with you.” I clung to those words. I still do. Because I maybe don’t know what I’m doing with myself, but he has a plan.

Now my goal is to decide what that future will look like for me. To choose where I want to go and how I will get there. Never in my adult life have I had the sole decision-making ability over what I want or where I want my life to go. It’s a tall order, but a good one. There is so much freedom in having the power to move your own life. And that’s just what I’m going to do.

Something occurred to me yesterday:

I’ve been surviving, not living.

And as I’ve spent my time holding on, I’ve forgotten about my extraordinary ability to make things happen. And now I feel like my crazy 20’s are about to end – that time in life where I was too young to know any better. Too young to know that I was taking ridiculous risks or working to make the impossible happen.

Those years are gone – lost. And while there was value in that time – time I used to get myself in order and face my heart – I now have to account for it, how it was spent. I feel like I’ve been wasting time. I’m 34 days away from turning 30 and my life has been moving in front of me as I stood still.

I cannot live any more of my life standing still – surviving.

I do not get to waste any more time.

I’m ready to start moving again. I’m ready to start making things happen. I’m ready to tell an amazing story with my life. The best part is that I can.

I had an amazing moment a few weeks ago when I received a darling email from Cat Mayer, who is, in my opinion, the best photographer in Grand Junction. She was touched by what I’ve written on this blog recently and decided that this new version of our family needed to be photographed. So last week the kids and I picked out our own clothes and headed out to the country to have a photo session with Cat. Honor couldn’t understand why “everything needed to be perfect” when I asked him to brush his teeth and smooth out his hair. (Little boys can be so slimy!)

We had so much fun tromping around in fields, chasing cows (Eden was determined to pet one), throwing sticks in the pond. The kids were beyond squirly, but that’s just how they are all the time, so it seemed appropriate for the photos.

Through this whole process I have been so touched and surprised by the people around me who have reached out. I am so surrounded and loved. Cat walked into Tangle a couple years ago and since then I have marveled at her talent and beauty, all of which is a reflection of her heart. I feel lucky to know these people who are surrounding me, they have made me a better person. I am just so grateful.

The lights go out all around me
One last candle to keep out the night
And then the darkness surrounds me
I know I’m alive but I feel like I’ve died
And all that’s left is to accept that it’s over
My dreams ran like sand through the fists that I made
I try to keep warm but I just grow colder
I feel like I’m slipping away

After all this has passed, I still will remain
After I’ve cried my last, there’ll be beauty from pain
Though it won’t be today, someday I’ll hope again
And there’ll be beauty from pain
You will bring beauty from my pain

My whole world is the pain inside me
The best I can do is just get through the day
When life before is only a memory
I’ll wonder why God lets me walk through this place
And though I can’t understand why this happened
I know that I will when I look back someday
And see how you’ve brought beauty from ashes
And made me as gold purified through these flames

After all this has passed, I still will remain
After I’ve cried my last, there’ll be beauty from pain
Though it won’t be today, someday I’ll hope again
And there’ll be beauty from pain
You will bring beauty from my pain

Here I am at the end of me (at the end of me)
Tryin’ to hold to what I can’t see (to what I can’t see)
I forgot how to hope
This night’s been so long
I cling to Your promise
There will be a dawn

After all this has passed, I still will remain
After I’ve cried my last, there’ll be beauty from pain
Though it won’t be today, someday I’ll hope again
And there’ll be beauty from pain
You will bring beauty from my pain

-superchic[k]

Tonight was a rough night. The kids, overtired from being up late the night before, decided to push every boundary I had given them. They both completely melted down and I couldn’t help but find myself hating Jim a little for not being here for his kids that need him. It’s hard to live someone else’s consequences.

A few years ago, when I could acutely feel my heart ripping apart, I found this song by Switchfoot that I listened to over and over and over again. I slept with it on repeat in my headphones. Now, every time it comes on, I’m immediately transported to that time. I think sound triggers memory even better than smell.

When the few people who knew what was going on with me would ask how I was doing, I would tell them that there was still a gaping hole in me, the edges were just healing. I remember crying and feeling like there was this vortex in my chest, this sucking wound that just pulled everything into it and out of me. It felt like it would never be filled.

Tonight that Switchfoot song came on my pandora station and, trigger that it is, pulled me in. I realize now that things hurt me… it hurts to see your kids reeling from decisions that are not their own. But I don’t have that gaping wound in me any more. I feel so whole, even when I’m sad or raw. I told my therapist that I couldn’t really tell you how I got here (although I give him and Jesus a lot of credit) but I’m here. I feel healthier than I ever have in my entire life and I’m doing it without my husband.

I am just so incredibly thankful.

Only Hope – Switchfoot
There’s a song that’s inside of my soul
It’s the one that I’ve tried to write
over and over again
I’m awake and in the infinite cold
But You sing to me over and over and
over again

So I lay my head back down
And I lift my hands
And pray to be only Yours
I pray to be only Yours
I know now You’re my only hope

Sing to me of the song of the stars
Of Your galaxy dancing and laughing
and laughing again
When it feels like my dreams are so far
Sing to me of the plans that You have
for me over again

I give You my apathy
I’m giving You all of me
I want Your symphony
Singing in all that I am
At the top of my lungs I’m giving it back

The kids are still struggling, each in their own ways. Though, I will say they are doing better than I had anticipated. Eden is very sad, yet coming to acceptance. She thinks Jim’s choice to leave is really dumb and has theories that someone is forcing him to stay away. (Oh, dear one, you are too smart.) Honor has been showing his grief through his actions and has been getting into a lot of trouble both at school and at home. I’m working to find ways to help him express his feelings other than just being naughty. He is such a 7 year old boy.

They both really cling to me and I am so thankful that I am healthy and able to be here for them. These past 2.5 years have afforded me the opportunity to get most of my grieving out of the way and work on myself (I still am with a wonderful therapist) and I am just so thankful for that. That time in limbo was so valuable for my healing – time I would never take back as horrible as being in limbo is. This is such a difficult time of life, but I continue to see signs that even this has been orchestrated, like a brilliant story. And I can feel the good, peaceful times not far around the bend.

I planted my spring garden yesterday: peas, broccoli and lettuce. There is something so significant in my life about this new season of spring creeping in. My tiger lilies are poking their fingers out of the the ground; green, hopeful spikes coming new into the world. All around me things are being made new.

There is so much grief and loss to sift through. So much to watch the children sift through in their fresh and innocent views. I think all of us are having a hard time wrapping our heads around the WHY of things. But as we do, I feel change creeping in. Real, solid change. It’s desperately needed and coming in the most perfect timing.

So much of me wants to rush ahead to happy, peaceful times that I know are coming. But I know how significant this process is for me, for the children. I know how important it is to embrace where I am right at this very moment. I know how important it is to feel every single feeling and process them completely. Because I know that once I reach the end of this, the world will never again be how it is right now. And I will be completely new in every way.

That makes all of this worth it.

Today is over. That I am thankful for.

Today I see God. I see his hand on everything. And I see how tending to these little hearts is healing me in a way that only God could have orchestrated.

Instead of coming apart at the seams, I see lost parts of me coming together. I feel more whole than I have ever felt in my life and today I lost my husband.

I feel suspended on a cloud, in a net of love. I can feel the prayers holding me up today. I have spent a lot of time feeling alone and unloved and I am very solidly neither of those today.