I’ve been writing this post in my head for the last two and a half years. It’s been two and a half years since Jim said he didn’t want to be with me anymore. Today he moved out and by the time this post goes live, we will have told the children that he is leaving. I dread that moment more than anything I’ve ever done.

I’ve fought so hard for this marriage, probably harder than I should have. I’ve compromised myself in ways and have been so desperate that I’m ashamed of the disrespect I’ve shown myself. I’ve been fighting for an amazing man, not seeing that I lost that man a long time ago. The man who moved out today was nothing like the one I married 11 years ago.

To say that the last 2.5 years have been difficult would, perhaps, be the biggest understatement I have ever made. The last 2.5 years have been absolutely tortuous. And I wouldn’t take a minute of it back. I’ve come such a long way while I waited in limbo. I’ve learned and accepted so much about myself and I’ve seen how God has been preparing me for this very moment. I’ve seen how, even in this, he has a plan for me and it’s good and not bad and there will be a future. I’ve been sifting through the layers of loss for so long that I feel as though I’m coming to the end… to acceptance. I’m eager, almost excited, to move forward. I don’t know what the future holds, but that’s terribly thrilling to me. I don’t really believe that life gives us do-overs, but I almost feel as though I have one. A second chance anyway.

I feel sad, but loved and very hopeful. I know we’re going to be ok. I’m worried about managing two little broken hearts, but I’m counting on grace to hold onto us – my little family that went from 4 to 3 today.

(I’m writing this not for pity or sympathy, but because, as often as I’m ashamed to admit I’ve participated in it, I detest gossip. I feel it’s better coming from the “horse’s mouth” than from someone who heard from someone else who heard from someone else. And I’m also writing this because I feel as though I’ve been living with this secret for so long. I’ve hated how protecting my family’s privacy has caused me to be unauthentic at times. Without authenticity, how can we truly have friendships? I’m ready to live my life out loud and in the light.)

I’ve been going to therapy. I used to think that going to therapy was admitting defeat, like I’m stronger than that and that going would be saying that I was too messed up to function in society. But I’m going now and I’m just really happy about it. Happy to get help. Happy to know that the stuck places in my life can get unstuck. Sometimes we just need a little help.

One of my biggest lessons is about how I handle my relationships. I’ve never been very good about this and have become more and more aware of the weird expectations I have in the last couple of years. I tend to give a lot of power to anyone I have any amount of intimacy with and in doing so, give them an extraordinary ability to hurt me.

I’m a pursuer. I’ve been complimented about this by several of my friends, but it’s actually a bad thing for me. If the majority of my relationships are pursued on my end, that sets me up to be rejected. A lot. Rejection is something that’s more easily handled when it comes in small doses, not large quantities.

I expect people to be like me. And to act like me. I believe the morality of the standards I keep for myself is pretty strong. But trying to apply it to other people always leads to my heartache. And it’s not fair. People have different values than I do. Different things are important to them. And accepting that is where I usually fall short. I think we all do this to some extent or another… it’s human nature to love people with the language WE speak. It’s a learned behavior to love people with the language THEY speak. I’m not very good at this.

I always worry about hurting other peoples feelings. Usually to the detriment of my own feelings and usually with a compromise of the truth. Basically I’m bad at confrontation and I avoid any form of the truth that will hurt someone’s feelings.

So basically I’ve got to stop all of this. I think for awhile, while I learn new behaviors, I’ve got to swing all the way in the opposite side of how I currently am, to get myself to a more balanced middle ground. I’m going to completely stop pursuing for awhile. I’m going to remove all expectations from my relationships (this is by far the hardest part for me). I’m going to have to be completely honest and basically let the chips fall where they may. I’m not excited about any of this.

This is going to be really hard. I don’t expect to go through this learning season in my life with very much grace, but I have to learn. Things for me can be really different and much healthier and I feel really happy to have this clarity and to have hope. I feel really happy to have relationships with people who have already extended me a lot of grace and patience as I fumble through how to have a relationship with them.

My friend Carrington requested that I write deeper thoughts on this here blog of mine. It’s funny she says that because I’ve had a lot of “deeper thoughts” lately but have had a hard time putting them to words… and a hard time being willing to share them with the world. But as I change… grow… become a real live adult, I find it really important to be frank about my process and really important to look at every aspect of myself, not just the good parts I’m comfortable with the world seeing.

A very dear friend recently experienced a huge tragedy. Living with her in it has caused me to realize a few things.
1. Life is really messy. We all have brokenness, we all live through tragedies – over and over. There is never going to be a point in our lives where we have it all together. And if we do manage to achieve that point, it will last for about 4 seconds.

In crisis we need community. We need to be safe and loved and have people that will never abandon us. Sometimes we just need to sit with each other in our messes. And even if we are deeply flawed (just like everyone else) we are still capable of using our brokenness to shine on somebody else. (I think it’s vitally important to give of ourselves, even when we are feeling like we have nothing to give. We gain perspective into our own lives when we see others lives in pieces. Perspective is very important.)

2. God is real. I am finally learning to trust him and trust that he is only good. Even if I can’t always see his big picture. Maybe more on this another time. But I would have to recommend a book by Donald Miller, A Million Miles in a Thousand Years. This irreverent look at the “big picture” and God’s story for our lives has been one of the most life-changing books I’ve ever read. As soon as I finished it, I had to immediately re-read it.

3. While I have never thought this about myself, I am actually an eternal optimist. Or maybe I have turned into one. Hope is something that I can’t let go of. Something SO powerful that gets us through impossibilities. There is something amazing about waking up in the morning to a new day where anything can happen and life can surprise you. There is something about knowing that the horrific moment you are living will soon be the past and you will look upon it and realize it is over and you lived though it and you are so strong and you can live through anything. There is something about knowing the crisis you are experiencing is making you the person you were designed to be and that when you come out the other side of it you will be thankful for it (if only a teeny bit) because it opened your eyes and shook up your world and life can never be the same again.
This is usually hard to see in the midst of tragedy, but it is true.

The Sunday edition of our local paper ran a big article on me yesterday. Here’s a link to the story.

So I mentioned a few weeks ago that I have two knitting patterns that are being published in the new book, Pure Knits. Today I got to spend the money I earned from those patterns. This is what I bought myself:

It’s simple and it’s red and I really like it. And I’m happy that I started simple so I can expand on the design as time goes by.

Herein lies my problem: I expect too much. I shouldn’t expect anything. Out of anyone.

One thing that I’m noticing about myself is that I have a very strong sense of right and wrong. And I tend to view the world as it “should be” rather than how it really is. This usually leads to disappointment on my end. So I’ve been struggling with the balance of learning not to expect people to be as they should and still knowing that there is some sort of “black and white” to the world.

Looking at the world in black and white is probably not the best idea either. I’ve always been very upfront – you’re either this or you’re that. Nothing in between. But I think that idea doesn’t give people the chance to be complicated, and if there is anything most people are, it’s complicated.

So I find myself back where I always start. It’s sort of frustrating to me that I just can’t get it. I want very badly to just accept people for exactly who they are. And when “who they are” causes me pain or disappoints me, it sends me into this confusing spiral of trying to make sense of it all, feeling like I have been terribly let down and feeling like I shouldn’t have wanted anything from them in the first place.

I tend to look for reliability, trust, support, acceptance and respect in my relationships. It doesn’t seem like that should be too much to expect, but in reality it’s way too much. I try my very best to live up to my own standards, but even I can’t meet them all the time.

I hate being flawed.

I hate making myself miserable with disappointment.

And what I really hate the most is that I just can’t find the switch that turns me into someone who is never disappointed because I’m someone who never expects anything.

Lots is swirling around in my head right now. I’m trying to sort it all out, trying to figure out how to control my life and be happy with everything in it. I’m glad that Christmas is over. It was such an internal struggle for me – trying to figure out how to balance my beliefs with those of my family’s. Trying to get them to accept me as I am. Trying to accept that they can’t.

I wasn’t given much for Christmas this year, but the very best gift that I got was my dad telling me how proud he is of me and my sister.

With that, I’ve been thinking a lot about the concept of gift giving. I’m having a hard time understanding the point of loading down kids who are unthankful for what they already have, or gifting a family member that you only see once a year out of obligation. I like the idea of filling a simple card with meaningful words, or making something with your hands as a gift that has a real meaning.

Don’t get me wrong, I love presents, but do I really need more stuff? Am I thankful for what I’m given? Maybe…

I’m thinking a lot about how to control my life. Six people are living in my house and it’s constantly in shambles. (It felt that way when it was just four, too.) I’m wondering what I need to do or what systems I need to implement to keep this place running like a well oiled machine.

I’m wondering where I can find the time to make things beautiful, to create and to appreciate creativity. So much has inspired me lately, but I feel all of that inspiration slipping through my fingers as I search for time, energy and gumption to harness it.

And I’m trying to get my health under control. It seems that for awhile now it’s always been something. Something is always making me feel bad, tired, worn out, sick, lacking energy. I got my tooth fixed and now it’s the antibiotics sucking it out of me… or maybe something else? The blood tests I had Saturday will hopefully reveal answers and hopefully be an easy fix.

“So take a new grip with your tired hands and stand firm on your shaky legs. Mark out the straight path for your feet. Then those who follow you, though they are weak and lame, will not stumble and fall but will become strong.”
-Heb. 12. 12 & 13

Once and awhile I wonder why you love me.
Me and my not so perfect body.
Me and my crazy moods.
How could you in your wonderfulness love me in my messes?
And every time I find myself doing things that hurt you, somehow you can forgive me.
And on top of that you help me out of the hole that I dug for myself.
You forgive my constant mistakes and forget them.
When I do things that embarrass you, you don’t look the other way and pretend that you don’t know me. You walk over, take my hand and stand with me in my shame.
When I’m hurt, you cry with me.
When I’m angry, you counteract me with peace.
Through all my mistakes, embarrassments, heartaches and anger, you love me.
In my unperfectness, you always love me.

(Written in response to a friend’s blog post)

There have been a multitude of times in my life that I have felt like I was completely alone. Always those times came when I was experiencing a large swell of emotions. But looking back I realize that I wasn’t alone, but pushing away the people who would be there for me. That I didn’t give the people who do love me enough credit to love and care for me for who I was, wether I was something I thought they would be capable of loving or not.

Just a couple days ago, after hearing that a friend of mine had gone through an emotional and difficult evening alone, I realized that most often we go through difficult things alone because we don’t ask for help. This was revolutionary to me. Those times when I was convinced that no one really loved me, that no one was really there, could have been avoided if I would have rolled over and talked to my husband or picked up the phone and called a trusted friend. Maybe I was afraid of being transparent? But I know that a little transparency would have gone a long way in healing my brokenness. I couldn’t believe I never saw this.

Another thing I know: believing I was alone was just what the deceiver wanted me to believe, giving me a small taste of hell – and I was willing to swallow it.

I know that sometimes emotions do not follow reality – actually, USUALLY emotions do not follow reality. Learning to push my emotions away and cling to what is actually real has been a difficult lesson for me to learn, one that I continue to learn over and over. I’m still trying to figure out why God made us such emotional beings…