“Children always know when someone doesn’t want to be around them and they act accordingly. As adults we sort of loose that.”

One of my knitting instructors said this to me today while we were talking about dysfunctional family relationships.

It was something that I really needed to hear as I’ve seems I’ve lost all of my childhood resiliency. I’ve struggled so much lately with the thought of friendship. It was like one day I woke up and found myself incredibly lonely. I’ve scrutinized myself relentlessly wondering if I’m not friendly enough, not approachable, not cool, not interesting. Wondering if I was difficult to love and what it was about me that made me difficult to love.

I haven’t come to a healthy conclusion. But I know that i need to thicken up my skin a bit and relearn how to be resilient. And I need to learn how to be content with being alone too.

6. Live your life. Are you surviving? or are you living a life of purpose.
7. Think about living your life with purpose, what does it mean? Does it mean that you’re living day to day or living with an end goal in mind. Does it mean that every thing you do is for a bigger reason, or are you floundering? A life that is lived with purpose has direction, is cohesive, is accomplished.
8. Don’t do things solely out of obligation. It’s not worth it.
9. Plan for the future. Make goals, live your life to fulfill them. Be hopeful, but realistic.
10. Make sacrifices to fulfill your goals, but never so much so that you lose YOU.
11. Make art. Make your life an expression of who you really ARE.

edit: part one is here.

(photo taken at Tangle)

1. Yell at your husband.

2. When he yells back, cry. Then, when your 3 year old son asks if the reason daddy was yelling and you were crying was because you broke something, laugh.

3. Start taking Sam e and B vitamins.

4. Drink coffee, lots of it – Grande Decaf Americanos are good.

5. Knit.

More to come…

48 Things You Could Care Less About
1. FIRST NAME? Allison
2. WERE YOU NAMED AFTER ANYONE? not that I know of
3. WHEN DID YOU LAST CRY? um? Last week, but I wanted to cry yesterday.
4. DO YOU LIKE YOUR HANDWRITING? mostly I do, it could be a little neater, but it’s not too bad.
5. WHAT IS YOUR FAVORITE LUNCHMEAT? Turkey or Pastrami
6. IF YOU WERE ANOTHER PERSON WOULD YOU BE FRIENDS WITH YOU? yep
7. DO YOU HAVE A JOURNAL? I think a blog counts?
8. DO YOU STILL HAVE YOUR TONSILS? still here and large as ever.
9. WOULD YOU BUNGEE JUMP? no
10. WHAT IS YOUR FAVORITE CEREAL? hmmm… I like kashi pretty well, or grape nuts. Things that are really healthy tasting and crunchy.
11. DO YOU UNTIE YOUR SHOES WHEN YOU TAKE THEM OFF? never.
12. DO YOU THINK YOU ARE STRONG? I was just telling Jim yesterday, I’m strong when it counts.
13. WHAT IS YOUR FAVORITE ICE CREAM FLAVOR? something with chunks. I like chunks. I also had a really yummy Merlot ice cream at the local ice cream parlor a few months back that I can’t stop thinking about.
14. SHOE SIZE? 10. Thanks to two certain kidlets I know.
15. RED OR PINK? pink
16. WHAT IS THE LEAST FAVORITE THING ABOUT YOURSELF? the 20 extra pounds on my a$$
17. WHO DO YOU MISS THE MOST? today, my niece.
18. DO YOU WANT EVERYONE TO SEND THIS BACK TO YOU? um, no, post it if you want to, but I’m not a big fan of making others do things like chain mail or meme’s
19. WHAT COLOR PANTS, SHIRT AND SHOES ARE YOU WEARING? blue jeans, green shirt with a black cami underneath. Brown converse.
20. LAST THING YOU ATE? potato broccoli soup
21. WHAT ARE YOU LISTENING TO RIGHT NOW? Honor making crashing sounds, Eden singing a song
22. IF YOU WERE A CRAYON, WHAT COLOR WOULD YOU BE? teal
23. FAVORITE SMELL? campfire
24. WHO WAS THE LAST PERSON YOU TALKED TO ON THE PHONE? Jim
25. THE FIRST THING YOU NOTICE ABOUT PEOPLE YOU ARE ATTRACTED TO? eyes
26. DO YOU LIKE THE PERSON you stole THIS from? I don’t remember who I stole this from?
27. FAVORITE DRINK? cosmopolitan, beer, americano with cream, arnold palmer, club soda… I like my drinks
28. FAVORITE SPORT? to watch? none. to do? swimming
29. EYE COLOR? green
30. HAT SIZE? I have no clue, but smaller than most of the people I’m related to.
31. DO YOU WEAR CONTACTS? no
32. FAVORITE FOOD? hmmm, sushi would be a front runner but I’m not sure I could choose. I have a favorite at every restaurant I visit and I always order it, because I can’t risk getting something that might not be as good.
33. SCARY MOVIES OR HAPPY ENDINGS? happy endings.
34 – there’s no 34!
35. SUMMER OR WINTER? winter
36. HUGS OR KISSES? if I had to choose, hugs
37. FAVORITE DESSERT? hmmm, another thing I can’t choose, but I like things creamy, like tiramisu
38. WHO IS MOST LIKELY TO RESPOND? well, see this is the joy of not making people respond… see how good this is?
39. LEAST LIKELY TO RESPOND? see above
40. WHAT BOOKS ARE YOU READING? I’m not! Knitting and kids and yarn store running leaves me no time to read!
42. WHAT DID YOU WATCH LAST NIGHT ON TV? nothing, but I would have liked to watch 6 feet under.
43. FAVORITE SOUNDS? quiet
44. ROLLING STONES OR BEATLES? um, hmm… beatles
45. THE FURTHEST YOU’VE BEEN FROM HOME? Africa
46. WHAT’S YOUR SPECIAL TALENT? blowing air out of my eye
47. WHERE WERE YOU BORN? Wyoming
48. WHO SENT THIS TO YOU? I stole it from someone, but I can’t remember who.

I got all kinds of shoes for my birthday. I also ordered these.

Today is my 25th birthday. Last night I was laying in bed thinking about birthdays, why we celebrate them and why mine is SUCH a big deal to me. I think celebrating a birthday is a celebration of life.

Today I will celebrate my life. I am very fortunate to have a healthy family, to be well myself, to have a place to live, to have people who love me, to get to do what I LOVE for my job – to be surrounded by yarn EVERY DAY!, to have the opportunity to grow and change and learn, to have found such a wonderful community of internet friends. I am lucky and today I rejoice in that.

I’m at the store today, the kids are with me and it’s dark and rainy outside. I LOVE weather like this. I’ve already had a nice sale to start the day. Later, my friend will come to visit me and we’ll start on a new knitting project (hopefully the cable eight top!). My birthday week celebration (I’m so spoiled!) will come to a close tomorrow with dinner with my friends.

It’s a good day and I think year 25 will be good to me.

The other day I filled up my 60 gig hard drive on my computer. Who fills up SIXTY GIGS? It’s rather crazy, if I do say so myself. It got to the point where I couldn’t do anything because, yep, it was all full. I managed to delete some things and free up a gig, but after that… I need to move all my 16 gigs of photos to another hard drive. (Yeah, I know.)

I was thinking this morning how much I wish I could get an additional hard drive for my brain, as cheesy as it sounds. Seriously, I’m all full up, there is not space for another thought, yet they keep on coming. I like this, being busy, having lots to do, but I just wish that I could reboot and repair disk permissions and get things running a bit smoother. But then what would we do if I was, like, actually sane?

I’ve been thinking a lot lately about what I don’t have, or what I think I don’t have. I was thinking about what I thought my life would be when I was married with kids. There were certain specific small things that I wanted. I wanted a husband who would lay in bed with me and talk late into the night. I wanted children who didn’t smear things on the wall, things like boogers and poop. And maybe I don’t have those specific small things, but it sort of hit me the other day. I have it. I have the life that I always wanted.

Emotions may not always follow reality, sometimes you don’t feel in love and sometimes you don’t feel like you want to be a mother. But the fact is that I’m in love with all of it.

My other friend Sarah tagged me for this Meme.

I AM – not what some people want me to be.
I want – more yarn and these shoes.
I wish – for my house to always be clean.
I hate – laundry and migraines and judgement.
I miss – Joelene.
I hear – yapping kids and birds chirping.
I wonder – when our tax return will come?
I regret – not going to art school.
I am not – sorry for who I am.
I dance – rarely.
I sing – fairly well and less than I’d like.
I cry – about the people who are without, the people who are ignored.
I am not always – fat.
I make with my hands – dinner, hats and mittens and sweaters and shawls.
I write – sometimes better than I think I can and sometimes not as well as I wish.
I confuse – myself. Frequently.
I need – Jim. Eden. Honor.
I should – clean my house and play with my kids and walk my dog.
I start – sweaters.
I finish – sweaters… eventually.