I’ve been enjoying my limited moments alone recently, like when I’m in the shower or driving to the grocery store. There’s been a lot on my mind lately and hardly enough peace and quiet to process everything. Last week, I was suddenly hit by a very strong feeling that a change was coming, that I was going to experience some sort of a loss in my life. It didn’t freak me out though, I just felt very calm and thoughtful about it.

It now seems like a loss may be happening. It makes me a little sad. I’m not ready for things to change in my life. My mom always says that I handle change very well. I suppose that I do, but I really prefer for change to happen when I’m ready for it. It seems like the last great loss I experienced in my life (church) came at a time that I really wasn’t ready for it either. Sure, nobody likes change, but usually I can convince myself that it will be good and that I want it.

I’ve also been thinking a lot about a relationship in our lives that has the potential to be made right again. It scares the crap out of me. I’m not sure if I can have my heart broken again. I am filled with dreams of happier times. Optimism that sees everything that could be good. And Cynicism that sees everything painful. Skepticism that wonders what lies have we been told? And by who? Have we believed something all along that wasn’t true, simply because the truth was withheld from us? I think it’s probably a mixture of everything and nothing.

What Could Be might be really good, or very bad or really both. Maybe I want to stay in the dark with my dreams of What Could Be rather than face the reality?

I suppose that life isn’t good when it’s stagnant. But it seems like when things are going good, that you just want to stay in that place and enjoy the peace for awhile. I guess that’s the point though, enjoy it when it’s good and when things get hard, you put on your armor and power through. I think I can do that.