Today is the first day of the Feast of Unleavened Bread. We ate Matzos for breakfast. Enough said.

With yesterday being Passover, we felt some sort of compulsion to go to church. It was unfortunate because I was starting to be proud of my heathen streak. I think the last time I went to church was December 5th. With this trip to church and Jim’s attendance at some special services last week we have been having some church related thoughts:

1. We feel like we should have the kids in church. I don’t know if the motivation behind this thought is because we feel like it’s the thing to do? Or if we feel guilty because we aren’t going? Or because Eden, especially, enjoys going. My current theory is that we feel guilty for not having them in church and I wonder if I even want them exposed to the culture that is church? (see thought #3.)

2. If we go back to church, we’d actually have to find a church that we both like. This has proven to be no easy feat. I’ve got my list of things I want in a church and I think that Jim mostly agrees with them. But even so, agreeing on a church will be… difficult, if nothing else. But I think this all boils down to thought #3.

3. I don’t like church. I have been to churches that I liked; at least when I was there I liked them. But being at church last night sort of slammed a thought into my mind. I don’t like it. Life isn’t always about what we like. But, man, if I have to go, I want to like church. First, I think that I should say that I love God. A lot. But in my mind church does not equal God. And I wonder, is church what He intended it to be?

With church comes this whole Christian sub-culture full of politics and “hallelujah’s” and weeping and waving and judging and less-than-excellence and closed-thinking and religion without a Biblical base and insincerity and boredom. This sub-culture is practically it’s own political party. And I don’t belong in it. It’s not to say that the individual people who are involved are any of these things, I was sincere when I was part of it (yet I was also all of those things), but I speak about the group, the culture as a whole. I realize that something has changed in me and I just do not belong anymore. I feel like if I tried, I would be faking it. And I feel guilty for thinking any of this.

So I suppose that leads to the question, Can you still be a Christian but reject the sub-culture that comes with it? And if you reject the sub-culture, how do you find contentment at church? It seems terribly deluded to think that I could actually find a place that thinks the same as me? I suppose what I want is an un-church. And I suppose that it doesn’t exist.

4. I think I’m starting to realize that I was hurt worse than I thought by our last church experience. I need to work it out in my mind and get over it and let time heal the hurt. Sometimes these things don’t happen quickly, even when you want them to.

So where does this leave us? Not anywhere really. But at least we have some thoughts to mull over as we much our matzos.