I can’t believe it’s been over a week since I blogged. I think that’s the longest I’ve ever gone without blogging since I started almost 3 years ago. The problem has been (along with being super busy) that the only thing on my mind to talk about is the only thing I can’t talk about. (And I’m sorry for being so mysterious, I hate it when people tell me they have a secret they can’t tell me, but I’m about to explode – this is my most precious outlet.)

Earlier this week I found myself in one of the most difficult situations I’ve ever been in. I was out of town to help someone I love that needed me. Very quickly I was at the point where I was totally overwhelmed. I was away from my family and I tried calling everyone I knew in the town I was in. I just wanted to be with someone stable and normal. I needed help regaining my outlook. When I couldn’t find anyone, I sat in my car and bawled… repeatedly. I felt so alone.

I went on my trip looking for hope. The cards have fallen the wrong way in this situation and I had finally found some semblance of hope. And I wasn’t about to let go of it. When my hopes were quickly smashed into a million tiny pieces, I didn’t know what to do. I was so sure that God was going to come through for us.

I came home Tuesday from this seemingly hopeless situation and at first I was mad. I was mad that the person I was trying to help had gotten in this situation to begin with. I was mad that even though I was offering and willing to help, I wasn’t being allowed to. I was mad that my wisdom was being dismissed when I had fought SO hard to get that tiny amount of wisdom from God. I was mad that it seemed like I had wasted my precious time.

I came home exhausted, completely emotionally drained and so thankful to fall into the arms of my family. I found myself with so many things to be thankful for, but having a hard time giving thanks. I needed God to be there for me, desperately, and he wasn’t. He wasn’t there for me the way I wanted him to be. I felt so hopeless.

But I still have to believe that God will come through for us, but I don’t know how and I don’t know when. All I know is that he is the only possible hope. There is NO other way, no other hope. And I realize that it’s not going to happen on my terms, it’s not going to be MY way no matter how much I need it to be. Maybe that is what faith is: when all other hope is stripped away, when there is no other way for things to be made right – God is the only hope. He is simultaneously the easiest and hardest hope to hang onto.

So I guess that on this day of giving thanks, even though the possibility of hope seems so remote, I’m thankful that I still have it to hang onto. And trust me, I’ve got a death grip.