Lots is swirling around in my head right now. I’m trying to sort it all out, trying to figure out how to control my life and be happy with everything in it. I’m glad that Christmas is over. It was such an internal struggle for me – trying to figure out how to balance my beliefs with those of my family’s. Trying to get them to accept me as I am. Trying to accept that they can’t.

I wasn’t given much for Christmas this year, but the very best gift that I got was my dad telling me how proud he is of me and my sister.

With that, I’ve been thinking a lot about the concept of gift giving. I’m having a hard time understanding the point of loading down kids who are unthankful for what they already have, or gifting a family member that you only see once a year out of obligation. I like the idea of filling a simple card with meaningful words, or making something with your hands as a gift that has a real meaning.

Don’t get me wrong, I love presents, but do I really need more stuff? Am I thankful for what I’m given? Maybe…

I’m thinking a lot about how to control my life. Six people are living in my house and it’s constantly in shambles. (It felt that way when it was just four, too.) I’m wondering what I need to do or what systems I need to implement to keep this place running like a well oiled machine.

I’m wondering where I can find the time to make things beautiful, to create and to appreciate creativity. So much has inspired me lately, but I feel all of that inspiration slipping through my fingers as I search for time, energy and gumption to harness it.

And I’m trying to get my health under control. It seems that for awhile now it’s always been something. Something is always making me feel bad, tired, worn out, sick, lacking energy. I got my tooth fixed and now it’s the antibiotics sucking it out of me… or maybe something else? The blood tests I had Saturday will hopefully reveal answers and hopefully be an easy fix.