I’ve been going to therapy. I used to think that going to therapy was admitting defeat, like I’m stronger than that and that going would be saying that I was too messed up to function in society. But I’m going now and I’m just really happy about it. Happy to get help. Happy to know that the stuck places in my life can get unstuck. Sometimes we just need a little help.

One of my biggest lessons is about how I handle my relationships. I’ve never been very good about this and have become more and more aware of the weird expectations I have in the last couple of years. I tend to give a lot of power to anyone I have any amount of intimacy with and in doing so, give them an extraordinary ability to hurt me.

I’m a pursuer. I’ve been complimented about this by several of my friends, but it’s actually a bad thing for me. If the majority of my relationships are pursued on my end, that sets me up to be rejected. A lot. Rejection is something that’s more easily handled when it comes in small doses, not large quantities.

I expect people to be like me. And to act like me. I believe the morality of the standards I keep for myself is pretty strong. But trying to apply it to other people always leads to my heartache. And it’s not fair. People have different values than I do. Different things are important to them. And accepting that is where I usually fall short. I think we all do this to some extent or another… it’s human nature to love people with the language WE speak. It’s a learned behavior to love people with the language THEY speak. I’m not very good at this.

I always worry about hurting other peoples feelings. Usually to the detriment of my own feelings and usually with a compromise of the truth. Basically I’m bad at confrontation and I avoid any form of the truth that will hurt someone’s feelings.

So basically I’ve got to stop all of this. I think for awhile, while I learn new behaviors, I’ve got to swing all the way in the opposite side of how I currently am, to get myself to a more balanced middle ground. I’m going to completely stop pursuing for awhile. I’m going to remove all expectations from my relationships (this is by far the hardest part for me). I’m going to have to be completely honest and basically let the chips fall where they may. I’m not excited about any of this.

This is going to be really hard. I don’t expect to go through this learning season in my life with very much grace, but I have to learn. Things for me can be really different and much healthier and I feel really happy to have this clarity and to have hope. I feel really happy to have relationships with people who have already extended me a lot of grace and patience as I fumble through how to have a relationship with them.