Today is over. That I am thankful for.

Today I see God. I see his hand on everything. And I see how tending to these little hearts is healing me in a way that only God could have orchestrated.

Instead of coming apart at the seams, I see lost parts of me coming together. I feel more whole than I have ever felt in my life and today I lost my husband.

I feel suspended on a cloud, in a net of love. I can feel the prayers holding me up today. I have spent a lot of time feeling alone and unloved and I am very solidly neither of those today.

I’ve been writing this post in my head for the last two and a half years. It’s been two and a half years since Jim said he didn’t want to be with me anymore. Today he moved out and by the time this post goes live, we will have told the children that he is leaving. I dread that moment more than anything I’ve ever done.

I’ve fought so hard for this marriage, probably harder than I should have. I’ve compromised myself in ways and have been so desperate that I’m ashamed of the disrespect I’ve shown myself. I’ve been fighting for an amazing man, not seeing that I lost that man a long time ago. The man who moved out today was nothing like the one I married 11 years ago.

To say that the last 2.5 years have been difficult would, perhaps, be the biggest understatement I have ever made. The last 2.5 years have been absolutely tortuous. And I wouldn’t take a minute of it back. I’ve come such a long way while I waited in limbo. I’ve learned and accepted so much about myself and I’ve seen how God has been preparing me for this very moment. I’ve seen how, even in this, he has a plan for me and it’s good and not bad and there will be a future. I’ve been sifting through the layers of loss for so long that I feel as though I’m coming to the end… to acceptance. I’m eager, almost excited, to move forward. I don’t know what the future holds, but that’s terribly thrilling to me. I don’t really believe that life gives us do-overs, but I almost feel as though I have one. A second chance anyway.

I feel sad, but loved and very hopeful. I know we’re going to be ok. I’m worried about managing two little broken hearts, but I’m counting on grace to hold onto us – my little family that went from 4 to 3 today.

(I’m writing this not for pity or sympathy, but because, as often as I’m ashamed to admit I’ve participated in it, I detest gossip. I feel it’s better coming from the “horse’s mouth” than from someone who heard from someone else who heard from someone else. And I’m also writing this because I feel as though I’ve been living with this secret for so long. I’ve hated how protecting my family’s privacy has caused me to be unauthentic at times. Without authenticity, how can we truly have friendships? I’m ready to live my life out loud and in the light.)

So Main Street, where Tangle is located, is under construction right now. The water and sewer pipes were old and just needed replacing. Marketing a business when the road leading to it is under construction is a challenge, but Tangle and our neighbors seem to be holding their own. In fact, Tangle is doing significantly better than we did this time last year.

Our local newspaper published a front page article about a business that is closing on Main Street and blaming it all on the construction. Not only is the owner blaming the construction, but she was making it sound like all of Main Street was going under only no one was talking about it.

That made me mad. It made lots of my neighbors mad too. So I sent an email to the editor of our paper and while I was at it, I copied it to all the other media in town. Little did I know it would start this media frenzy.

I ended up having my letter published in both local newspapers and had interviews on all three tv stations. The newspaper that ran the original article also ran a follow-up article that painted a more fair picture of how Main Street is actually doing.

I was so shocked that it was that easy to get the attention of the local media! But I’m so glad I sent the email. It was good for Tangle to get the extra exposure, but more than anything I just wanted to make sure Main Street was represented fairly.

One of my favorite things to do is to read design blogs. My favorite is design sponge. I savor each post and save pictures to my iPad when I’m inspired, which is frequently. I like to hoard up a lot of posts and sit down and read them all at once. My brain starts spinning with ideas and then I go and decide to tear something up or paint or decorate or make. And it all just makes me so happy. Being able to create has saved me in so many ways.

And now I have 64 new posts saved up in my google reader which I’m about to enjoy immensely.