We’re doing pretty well over here.
Considering.
I know it’s going to be a long time before the kids and I reach the end of our loss, our grief. But in the day-to-day we function well and the pain seems to be subsiding a little bit.

Life is definitely still going on. We spent some time in Denver at the beginning of spring break and projects have been in abundance (as always). Eden started Girls on the Run, which she has really been enjoying. It’s a great program for girls and at the end of the school year, they all run a 5k. Eden is doing well with her training and I’m sure she will be able to run the 5k easily, lapping me for sure.

I hardly ever remember to take pictures of anything I’m doing these days, but here are a few:

twinzies loving their food

my new dining room floor, all shiny and white

so many more vegetables being consumed here now that our biggest meat eater isn’t here anymore

inspired by anthropologie

Honor, seeming so old these days

more to come…

The kids are still struggling, each in their own ways. Though, I will say they are doing better than I had anticipated. Eden is very sad, yet coming to acceptance. She thinks Jim’s choice to leave is really dumb and has theories that someone is forcing him to stay away. (Oh, dear one, you are too smart.) Honor has been showing his grief through his actions and has been getting into a lot of trouble both at school and at home. I’m working to find ways to help him express his feelings other than just being naughty. He is such a 7 year old boy.

They both really cling to me and I am so thankful that I am healthy and able to be here for them. These past 2.5 years have afforded me the opportunity to get most of my grieving out of the way and work on myself (I still am with a wonderful therapist) and I am just so thankful for that. That time in limbo was so valuable for my healing – time I would never take back as horrible as being in limbo is. This is such a difficult time of life, but I continue to see signs that even this has been orchestrated, like a brilliant story. And I can feel the good, peaceful times not far around the bend.

I planted my spring garden yesterday: peas, broccoli and lettuce. There is something so significant in my life about this new season of spring creeping in. My tiger lilies are poking their fingers out of the the ground; green, hopeful spikes coming new into the world. All around me things are being made new.

There is so much grief and loss to sift through. So much to watch the children sift through in their fresh and innocent views. I think all of us are having a hard time wrapping our heads around the WHY of things. But as we do, I feel change creeping in. Real, solid change. It’s desperately needed and coming in the most perfect timing.

So much of me wants to rush ahead to happy, peaceful times that I know are coming. But I know how significant this process is for me, for the children. I know how important it is to embrace where I am right at this very moment. I know how important it is to feel every single feeling and process them completely. Because I know that once I reach the end of this, the world will never again be how it is right now. And I will be completely new in every way.

That makes all of this worth it.