My Grandma and step-Grandpa on his 90th birthday.

Last weekend the children, my mother and I drove to Wyoming by way of Denver (where we picked up my sister and the twinzies). We went to celebrate my step-grandfather’s 90th birthday. The life he has lived is pretty amazing, he was married to his first wife for nearly 60 years before she died of cancer. He and my grandma have been married for 8 years and have had such a good time together. He has been so good to all of us and has been such a patriarch to his family. It was amazing to see him surrounded by his children, grand, great and great-great grand children.

I’ve been thinking a lot about the legacy we leave and how when we view life with the long-view instead of looking at the short term, seeking instant gratification we end up with so much more: deep relationships that span decades, children and grandchildren that make us abundantly proud and a host of people who’s lives we have touched, who love us for it. I think taking the long view comes down to what has been my biggest life lesson – love is a choice. It’s not always easy and it doesn’t always feel good to choose to love, but it always pays off. Always. It was amazing to see the fruit of 90 years of choosing to love.

I’ve been thinking about how I’m going to have to live a really long time to be able to have 60 years of marriage under my belt. But that is something I want for my life. I want a legacy and a huge family that adores each other. Where so many families don’t survive and turn into hate-filled drama machines, I want mine to be full of life and love. I know I’m getting off to a rough start to fulfilling this dream, but I’m not giving up – I’m still holding onto hope that I can have it.

Honor turned 8 yesterday. We celebrated with Jim at Sonic and Red Mango which Honor was VERY excited about. I decided at the last minute to re-do his room for his birthday. I did Eden’s for her 8th birthday and his room was really disgusting so it needed it. Plus it was time to go with something more boyish. The last time the room had been decorated was 10 years ago when I was pregnant with Eden.

I spent the entire day painting yesterday and loaded everything back into the room today. Honor hasn’t seen it yet, but I think he will really like it. The walls still need some art – Honor plans to draw me some monsters that I can paint on the wall (or maybe a canvas). I want to add more orange in too.

My Uncle painted this in 1977.

The duvet is from Ikea as well as the dog tail hook and alarm clock. The skull rug & pillow, black sheets, black blanket, rugs and wall hook unit with the pencil cups are from Target (most everything was on clearance). The little table and chairs set was mine when I was a kid and the dresser we had custom made for Eden – it’s in need of some repair.

Total cost including paint for the walls and floor: $175.00

Last week I was invited to attend a dinner party at Cat Mayer’s house. She had the brilliant idea to get 10 entrepreneurs together for a beautiful dinner under a canopy of twinkling lights on her patio. Robin from Toast styled the whole event and it was catered by Berna B’s. Everything was so magical.
(Of course my iphone photo’s don’t do Cat’s justice.)

My darling friends knew just the perfect way to celebrate my new decade and threw me an amazing, beautiful party. We spent the evening eating delicious food and drinking delicious wine. They decorated Amy’s backyard so beautifully – it was such a shame that we had to move the party inside because it got dark and stormy and poured for the rest of the night. But the party was still so much fun!

The end of the night I was surprised with my birthday present. All my friends got together along with my family and the people who work at Tangle and surprised me with a new cruiser bike. I LOVE it – the color is exactly what I would have picked. I will definitely be spending a lot of time riding!

This birthday was the first in 15 years that I haven’t spent with Jim. Where I maybe should have felt a hole by his absence, instead I felt so loved and so full. So complete. I am so completely blessed to have friends and family who care about me. I was so spoiled on my birthday – I’m abundantly thankful.

Last Thursday I turned 30 years old. I’ve had several people ask me how I feel about being 30 as they hold their breath waiting for the answer. This milestone wasn’t hard for me at all. I think partly because nearly all of my friends have already turned 30, and partly because I know that there is something so significant about the timing of my turning thirty and my divorce that will be final in two weeks. I love how my new decade starts with such a fresh start in my life.

This year I decided that I wanted to order myself something significant to commemorate this birthday. I’ve been wanting a new ring – something to symbolize the new start in my life. And something that would serve as a reminder of where I have been. So I had it custom made from etsy and it arrived on my birthday – perfect timing!

I had the inside engraved with a verse from the Bible that has gotten me through heartache.

Isaiah 41:13
For I am the LORD your God
who takes hold of your right hand
and says to you, Do not fear;
I will help you.

It was important to me to wear the ring on my right hand, as a reminder that I am not alone, that God has a plan for me and that it’s good.

Last night I had to take the mandatory co-parenting class that is required to get divorced. One more step forward… It was so sad to sit in a room with 20 or so people who are watching their families be torn apart. This is just not the way things are supposed to be – families are not supposed to be ripped in half.

I have a little less than a month until the divorce is final. And I’ve been thinking a lot about what could be… one last look back I guess. The final tears shed for what I’ve lost.

The one thing that I wrote down from the class last night was this: you move in the direction that you are focused on. I’ve been thinking about what my focus was for the last three years and what it is now. For three years all I could think of is what could be, that maybe Jim would change, that maybe things could be healed, that all I wanted is for things to go back to the way they used to be. When Jim told me he wanted to leave, I was propelled forward. Against my will maybe, but forward. I was forced to look at the world as it was and I was forced to imagine my life being different. That was SO good for me. I started looking at something other than the past and what I was losing and I started seeing the possibilities of what lies ahead. My heart healed so much and so quickly once I started focusing on the future.

Moving forward is such an act of faith, especially when you have been stuck for so long. I still remind myself of the words God whispered to me one morning in the early stages of this: “I know what I’m doing with you.” I clung to those words. I still do. Because I maybe don’t know what I’m doing with myself, but he has a plan.

Now my goal is to decide what that future will look like for me. To choose where I want to go and how I will get there. Never in my adult life have I had the sole decision-making ability over what I want or where I want my life to go. It’s a tall order, but a good one. There is so much freedom in having the power to move your own life. And that’s just what I’m going to do.