It’s different the second time around. “I love you” carries with it more weight because I know exactly what it means to lose love. I know exactly what’s at stake this time because I once had (what I thought was) it all and lost it. I know that I can’t brush off certain things thinking love will conquer all because I’ve done this before and I know that little things viewed through the sparkly lens of love will turn into huge things once the sparkliness wears off. I know that sparkliness is special, but the real stuff is what happens when it wears off. That non-sparkly love is the love that’s weighty and real and lasts through all the hard and painful things that life brings. Knowing this is the advantage I didn’t have last time.

Last time I knew that I loved, I knew that I was doing what I wanted, but I didn’t know what life could bring. I didn’t really know what I was promising. I didn’t know how hard loving could be and I didn’t know that vows and a ring wouldn’t fill every hole in me. I also didn’t know what I deserved and that I had to fight to maintain my individuality… and in neglecting to do so, my inner strength went a little dormant. I didn’t know that love meant having my heart cared for… that love would seek the very best for me. I didn’t know that relationships were only healthy when the two people contributing to them were both whole and healthy. And that being in a healthy relationship meant that you didn’t lose who you were to maintain it. I didn’t know it then, but I’m discovering it now and it’s amazing.

Some days I have to fight against everything in my head that screams, “you’re going to be rejected!” because it’s so much easier to walk in what I’ve always known rather than believe it can be different. And some days I find myself staring in absolute shock because I really have never known what it was like to have someone care so deeply about what’s going on in my heart. It’s a lot to come to terms with. In the very best way.

There’s something very special about doing it the second time. There’s something special about having the wisdom to know what’s a big deal and what isn’t. And there is something special about second chances. I lived so long believing that the life I was living was exactly what I deserved and now I know that I’m finally getting what I truly deserve. Redemption is the very best part of living through something awful. The hope of redemption, THIS, is exactly what got me through.

Now my prayers look more like this: Thank you for knowing that I shouldn’t have what I begged so desperately for. Thank you for having a better plan in mind. Thank you for this, wherever it goes. It’s amazing.