Last night I spent over an hour with Honor reminding him of who he really is. That he is smart and kind and sweet and brave and good at math and reading and computers. He’s been believing the lies that the kids in his class are telling him: that he’s stupid, that he’s a “book worm” (apparently a high insult), that he’s not athletic. Aside from the mama-bear rage that this incites in me, I also feel guilt.

I’m telling Honor all of these things that I know are true about him, telling him over and over again to believe the truth about himself, not the lies other people tell, and I worry that he got this propensity from me. I had to laugh at the irony of ME telling this to anyone. Last time I saw my therapist he asked me, “When are you going to start believing that you’re a really cool person?”

I think Honor and I both get caught up in the fact that, yes, people are actually communicating things that are not true to us: That we are unimportant or stupid, unloved or un-liked, that we are not worth someone’s time, love or attention. I think I needed someone to acknowledge to me, YES, this is actually what someone is saying to you with their actions. Yes, Honor, they are telling you lies. Yes, it’s actually happening, it’s not all in your head. You are validated.

I told Honor last night that when someone tells him that he’s bad at math that that’s actually pretty funny because he isn’t bad at math, we’ve got the test scores to prove it. I asked him what he would think if someone told me I was bad at knitting. That’s pretty ridiculous, I’m not, I’ve got the sweaters to prove it. I wanted to normalize to him that people can say things that we don’t have to believe.

I think I have some pretty deep and valid abandonment issues so my default is to always believe that I’m unimportant, unloved, alone. All I want so deeply is to be considered. I’ve come to see that my problem is that I only believe the truth about myself when someone is telling me that I’m important, loved, surrounded.

I need to believe those things are true.
Even when someone is telling me that they’re not.

It’s hard to be 11 and on your way to middle school where the kids are only going to get meaner. (It’s hard to be 33, too.) I want so badly to instill these concepts into Honor now, to give him an inner peace that will get him through anything. I don’t want him to have to be learning these lessons in adulthood when he has 30 years of baggage and lies to wade through. I hope, hope, hope that undoing 33 years of lies I’ve so willingly swallowed will give me the wisdom to help Honor learn to believe what is true about himself.

When am I going to start believing that I’m a really cool person? I think now sounds good.

Dear Eden,
Today you are 13 years old. This is weird. I think over the last year you’ve made it pretty clear to us that you are no longer a kid anymore. You keep reminding us, pushing for more freedom, having very strong opinions of your own, dying your hair in rainbow shades. Your brother is still a kid and you are not and that’s a strange transition for us to make. I always say that I trade you guys in for the next model every so often and you are definitely the next, teenaged model.

I’m pretty proud of the way you’re stretching your wings though. I like that you just want to explore the world around you. I was shocked the other day when you wanted to walk to Dairy Queen by yourself after school, but I think it’s really brave. You are really brave. I’m also proud of what a hard worker you are. I’ve been so impressed with the way you’ve learned the guitar basically all by yourself. I never had that kind of motivation and follow-through when I was 13. Josh says all the time how much smarter you are than he was at 13.

Probably my favorite thing about you is how thoughtful you are. I know you always notice if someone is sad and you are the first to defend your brother when he’s getting in trouble. I think it’s pretty amazing that you think about your parent’s happiness and how you effect that. I love that you care so much about social injustice.

You’re pretty cool, Eden. And I’m glad that you’re mine.

Love, Mom

Today Honor told me that he wishes he could be in middle school now so he wouldn’t have to go back to his school. Apparently some of the kids have started a rumor that Honor is paying someone to have sex with him. He’s 11.

He doesn’t know who started the rumor but his classmates keep coming up to him asking him how much he’s paying.

Kids can be such dicks.