Sometimes I think of my heart as a 3d printer. Every message I hear, verbal or non, prints a thin, little layer on top of the other building up these castles inside me. Some are fortresses, dark and foreboding. Others are open, light, welcoming, safe.

I think we start our lives in the world whole, believing our worth, knowing deep in us that we are worthy. And message after message comes printing a thin, little layer and the printer arm passes, layer upon layer telling us you aren’t worth it. You aren’t worth it. You aren’t worth it. They keep coming, people keep saying with their actions (or inactions), their words – you aren’t worth it to me.

I think I’ve internalized so many of these words that not only are there castles built up in my heart, but there are cases built up too – against those sending the messages. I’m not worth it to you? It prints another layer.  It builds up and up and up and my pain turns into resentment and anger and hurt and there is just so much. I’ve been let down, left, just so many times that sometimes I can barely see the light. The dark fortresses are taking over. 

It’s not good. I don’t want to be like this. It seems so unfair to be the one who’s been damaged and then to be the one who has to deal with the destruction that holding onto the hurt brings.  I need to forgive. It’s very hard. And the hits just keep on coming. The cases are strong. And it hurts. That 3D printer just keeps on printing. And I need to make it stop. For my own good, I have to make it stop. 

I’m trying a new thing and planning meals for a month at a time. We’re so busy that a month’s worth of groceries seems to be the only way that we can ensure that we have food to cook when we get home for the day!

Stuffed Acorn Squash (Made my own tweaks to the recipe.)
Beef Stroganoff
Paprika Roasted Chicken
Homemade Pizza
Dahl with Brown Rice
Beef Stew
Potato Basil Frittata
Chicken Lettuce Wraps
Chicken Cacciatore
Quesadillas with Chicken Sausages and sweet potatoes
Acorn Squash Soup with Kale
Mini Meatballs with pasta
Lentil and Sausage Soup with Kale
Fajitas
Butternut Squash Risotto with Grilled Italian Sausages
Mango Chicken Curry
Vegetable and Navy Bean Stew plus Chicken
Roasted Chicken Sausages with Potatoes
Split Pea Soup and BLTs
Minestrone with White Beans and Collard Greens plus italian sausage
Tacos
Huevos Rancheros

Josh and I are driving home through Vail and I’m remembering a time a long time ago that my ex husband and I were driving home through Vail, late at night, during the holidays. I was in awe of the Christmas light display: thousands of white lights, wrapped around every branch of hundreds of trees. It was amazing. I was delighted. 

He was annoyed at my delight. He was often annoyed with me. 

The further away I get the more I realize how dampened I was. I never got to truly be myself. My true self wasn’t good enough. 

I’m constantly struck by the contrast between my two marriages. I can be so, extremely silly and Josh thinks it’s hilarious. It’s still so weird to me that he really and truly does care that I’m happy. That he wants to do whatever he can to make me happy. He honestly does delight in my delight. 

I feel like I’ve gotten to spread my wings. I feel like I get to soar now. I feel so very free.