Changes in me always happen in giant leaps rather than gradually. I’m always surprised to wake up one day and find that my life (inside my head) is completely different than it was the night before. Not that those changes happen magically, they always come with a lot of work, but it always amazes me to see them happen so dramatically.

Several weeks ago I checked in on one of my favorite blogs and discovered that the authors marriage was falling apart. Reading about her family falling apart was such a trigger that I had to promise myself I wouldn’t continue to read her blog. I was up at 3am that next morning trying to figure out why reading this was so devastating.

I think there are many reasons: I have been reading about her family for a long time and care about them deeply. She is a great author so her words captured those emotions that I felt for so many years – the sorrow, pain, heartache and gnawing emptiness. And I think it served to teach me a lesson that I was having a hard time learning.

I think God always gently whispers lessons to me and then, when I don’t listen, he smacks me upside the head with them. He has been telling me to embrace the season that I’m in and not look for the season ahead. He’s been telling me that I just don’t get to replace Jim, plugging someone else into the spot he once filled. And now I know why.

I can’t ever go through a failed marriage again. I can’t ever put my kids through a torn up family again. I just can’t do it. Not much scares me anymore, but that does. Reading about someone else’s marriage failing made me actually see that. There is a lot that I miss about the constancy of marriage, but I’m just not ready for it yet. This season of my life isn’t find-a-replacement-husband-season, it’s having-fun-dating-having-roomates-party-at-my-house-all-the-time-season. And if I stop to think about it, I am loving it! I have had more fun, laughed more, lived more than I ever have before. I’m the happiest I have ever been. Two years ago I certainly never thought I would be here.

While I think we’ve all looked ahead to what the future could look like for me, hoping that there will be redemption for what I’ve been through, it’s just not that time. Laying in bed that night at 3am, I realized this. I realized that I am completely content with what I have and completely content to trust God that my future will be amazing. And that feels SO good.