Today marks one year since Jim moved out. In so many ways I can’t even imagine him living here anymore. I can’t imagine being married to him. I can’t believe how much my heart has healed in these last three hundred and sixty five days. Earlier this week I went out to sushi with Jim… And the Children… And his girlfriend. My friends think that I’m a little bit crazy, but it just feels so normal, like we’re just this big, crazy family. There isn’t even a twinge of pain seeing him with someone else. I just hope they love each other well.

I think back on the last year of my life and I think that it will go down as one of the most significant in my life. The changes in me are hard to list, there are just so many. There were holes in me that I never thought would be filled and now I can’t really even remember where they were. I am so whole. So healed. So complete. So happy. If only I’d known that the temporary pain of facing, accepting and loving myself would bring so much healing… I’d have done it a lot sooner. And yet, I can’t really even regret anything that I’ve been through. I look at the last year and see how it has been orchestrated in such an amazing way. The timing of how everything went down is just amazing to me. The lessons I learn come at such perfect times and I am always in awe at how loved I am. I know that God is real because the way he healed me is nothing short of a miracle.

I continue to be so thankful for all the gifts I’ve been given. For the people that banded around me when I needed them (and who are there if ever I need them again). I’m thankful that I’ve come through something so terrible and amazing and now I get to share what it’s done to me (and that in sharing it, I am changed again and again – way more than the people who I’m sharing with). I’m thankful that the only way I could get through this was to look at myself and change. That, even though it was painful, it was easier to forgive than to hold a grudge. I’m thankful that even though I did everything in my power to save my marriage, I get the gift of a second chance. I’m thankful that I now know how to work though heartache and pain and rejection and confusion.

There is something about pain that causes us to live right on the edge of grace, where everything we feel is so vivid, brilliant and real. I think that we are the most pliable when we are there on that edge because everything is at stake and God can truly have his way with us. We aren’t in any position to play games because all we can do is hang on, clinging to what we know to be true. I never want to be so comfortable that I don’t skate that edge. I never want to forget what has happened to me and how I was rescued. When I feel lonely or impatient or worried I want to remember the amazing plan for my life, that we all have a measure of grace to get us through and that I can live through (not just survive) anything because I’ve already lived through my greatest fears.

A year ago I would never have thought I’d be here. By that point I knew I would be ok, but I didn’t know I would be amazing. I didn’t know that the product of my life falling apart could be so good. I put my life in God’s hands and he saved me so completely. And I am so thankful.