Me, in the box
Recently some friends of ours went to a marriage conference. They were really excited about what they came away with from the conference and they told us all about it over takeout. (Takeout that I had to drive all the way across town to take back because they gave me Wonton Soup when I ordered Hot and Sour soup and I must have my Hot and Sour Soup.)
The premise of the conference was that men need respect and women need love. Men need sex, women need communication. And I thought that was a very interesting perspective, but not necessarily a box that I fit into. I thought, “I need respect. I need sex. And I need love.” (Did I just say that for the whole internet to read? Oh, my.) It wasn’t until a lengthy conversation with Jim the other night that I realized that I may just fit into that box.
We had a conversation about his responsibilities – being the primary breadwinner – and my responsibilities – being the primary caregiver to the kids and housekeeper which I really, really don’t like, (the housekeeping part, not the kid part.) Basically after two hours of discussing, it boils down the fact that Jim feels love from me by my cleaning the house and caring for the kids. But I wouldn’t think that Jim wasn’t showing me love if he wasn’t bringing in enough money. I would think that he wasn’t showing me love if he wasn’t being sweet to me, showing affection, being kind and considerate and thoughtful, and showing me respect.
My first reaction to Jim’s point of view was to feel totally manipulated. “If you loved me, you’d clean the house.” Not that he said that, but it’s what it made me think at first. It also didn’t really appeal to the (semi) feminist in me. Why should I be the one who has to do the laundry and clean the house? Why should HE require this of me? When I’m going off on these little tangents in my brain, I hate when reasoning enters in. It’s just a division of labor. Someone has to do these things, and that person is me. I suppose if I wanted to go work full time, Jim could start shrinking washing the clothes.
And it dawned on me that he feels that the best way to show me love is for him to go do his job and do it well and provide for our family. In turn, he’d interpret my show of love in the same way – by me fulfilling my obligations. This was a really startling revelation for me! How could cleaning the house (etc.) say that I love him? Being sweet and thoughtful and loving means that I loved him…. doesn’t it?
And I realized that all this meant that we really do view love differently. While he should be aware of the way that I interpret love, I should realize that he’s doing the very best to show me love in HIS way. And while I should be aware of the way he interprets love, he should realize that I’m doing the very best to show him love in MY way. Alternately, I think it’s best for both of us to try and show each other love in the way it will be best understood.
And it made me wonder, how many marriages fail because each person can’t realize that the other person’s lack of action isn’t saying, “I don’t love you.” It’s just a lack of action. I don’t know, maybe it’s about love and respect. But I really think it’s more about communication. We’ve been married six years, and it’s taken me this long to realize that we view things differently. It’s taken six years of talking and fighting and making up and doing it all over again to finally come to this revelation. What will I think in six more years? I can’t wait to find out.
Category: marriage 6 comments »
March 8th, 2006 at 5:34 pm
I totally hear you on this since it’s where we’ve been lately. I hate the housekeeping but I know that a clean, well organized house is what makes Mark feel like I’m taking care of all of us. It’s not such an easy balance!
March 9th, 2006 at 8:27 am
Hi! I started reading your site about a year ago (for the knitting), but have never commented, so “Howdy!” :) My husband and I started working through some material about a year ago by Drs. Les & Leslie Parrott that sounds a lot like the workshop your friends attended. They have a whole series of books that deal with how to strengthen communication and deal with the kinds of balance issues you’re talking about. In fact, your post sounds like a revelation from one of their books. Anyway, we got a lot out of the things we’ve read, and the experience of working through the material has been a really positive one and has brought us even closer together as partners. I know, I totally sound like a sales lady, and I don’t mean to, but I just wanted to offer it up in case you’re interested.
March 9th, 2006 at 10:31 am
This is exactly what is going on in my house!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! Right now!!!!!!!!!!! We are having this discussion and conflict. Oh it’s so good to hear your point of view, I think you just changed my own way of thinking on this topic. hey don’t even get me started on how I have been reading about how the feminist movement is ruining our marriages by making women have unreasonable standards and ideas of men……
March 9th, 2006 at 10:41 am
Friend who went to the conference ckecking in here: I felt the same way at first, “I don’t exactly fit into this box.” Then the more I thought about it, the more I had the same revelation you did (accept I wasn’t able to explain it NEARLY as well as you did) that we (husband vs. wife) actually DO view love differently. And I agree, it IS a lot about good communication as well, and realizing that each person loves and receives love in a different way is definitely a good tool to go along with communication as well.
Good post!
March 9th, 2006 at 12:34 pm
there’s a very easy to read (ridiculously simple), but valuable book out there (only gets a bit kooky near it’s end, but even then makes a good point) called The Five Love Languages. Highly recommended.
March 9th, 2006 at 12:45 pm
I know I feel loved when we work together to get everything accomplished. Peter goes to work 8+ hours a day, but he still helps out around the house in the evenings and on weekends. He helps clean up after dinner and helps with laundry and washing diapers. He helps pick up, too. I asked him once why he did these things since my own father’s view was different. Peter said that he goes to work so that we can have money to buy things, but that it takes more time to be at home maintaining those things. So he helps me with the cleaning because that’s part of “maintaining”. We both work all day long, it’s just that the household work (especially when you have children) takes longer than office work.
Anyway, I remember when I was growing up and my dad would come home from work. My mom would have been working hard all day (we lived on a hobby farm so there was lots of work to be done) and my dad would come home from his work and his day would be done. My mom would still have to put dinner on the table, clean up afterwards, and then finish any other household chores than remained from the day. Dad would watch TV or something. Never really seemed fair to me, even if it is the division of labour they agreed to.