the spinning wheels
I’ve been enjoying my limited moments alone recently, like when I’m in the shower or driving to the grocery store. There’s been a lot on my mind lately and hardly enough peace and quiet to process everything. Last week, I was suddenly hit by a very strong feeling that a change was coming, that I was going to experience some sort of a loss in my life. It didn’t freak me out though, I just felt very calm and thoughtful about it.
It now seems like a loss may be happening. It makes me a little sad. I’m not ready for things to change in my life. My mom always says that I handle change very well. I suppose that I do, but I really prefer for change to happen when I’m ready for it. It seems like the last great loss I experienced in my life (church) came at a time that I really wasn’t ready for it either. Sure, nobody likes change, but usually I can convince myself that it will be good and that I want it.
I’ve also been thinking a lot about a relationship in our lives that has the potential to be made right again. It scares the crap out of me. I’m not sure if I can have my heart broken again. I am filled with dreams of happier times. Optimism that sees everything that could be good. And Cynicism that sees everything painful. Skepticism that wonders what lies have we been told? And by who? Have we believed something all along that wasn’t true, simply because the truth was withheld from us? I think it’s probably a mixture of everything and nothing.
What Could Be might be really good, or very bad or really both. Maybe I want to stay in the dark with my dreams of What Could Be rather than face the reality?
I suppose that life isn’t good when it’s stagnant. But it seems like when things are going good, that you just want to stay in that place and enjoy the peace for awhile. I guess that’s the point though, enjoy it when it’s good and when things get hard, you put on your armor and power through. I think I can do that.
Category: daily 5 comments »
March 21st, 2006 at 10:57 am
I believe as humans we can adapt to change but it scares us just as much. We prefer our systems and our lives the way we are use to.
Change only seems bad, but after a while we may find it was the best thing. And well sometimes it just sucks, but we get through it.
I am here for ya friend!
March 21st, 2006 at 2:23 pm
Don’t know quite what’s happening but want to say that it sounds like you have a realistic view of life and the constant change that we live with. Take each moment for what it is and enjoy what you have — you hit the nail on the head. I find I am most unhappy when I try to grasp onto those things that cannot be controlled… like time and change and all that crap. If you need anything, just let me know!
March 21st, 2006 at 8:00 pm
some of the best things can come out of having to deal with an unsuspected surprise/change, even if it’s the kind we’d never favor ~ I have faith that you’ll be fine ~ follow your intuition
March 21st, 2006 at 11:49 pm
Allison, read my entry from this morning (the 21st) and maybe it will help. I’m thinking of you!
March 22nd, 2006 at 9:16 am
God has gifted you with insight – or at least thought preparation – for things to come.Your writing also articulates what many of us, of any generation, are thinking or going through.
I went back and read your “church” link. Why must this happen generation after generation? Our family, too, has grown restless and discontent and searches again for a church that will meet our needs and where we can invest our many and varied talents and skills. Often it would be easier to stay home (since we can field our own praise band anyway :)); but we are mindful that corporate fellowship is an essential nourishment as well as discipline. Therefore, we press on in our search for something more permanent and suitable. After all, we have been careful to give our growing-up children every advantage available to us in education, etc. Why should we not choose the best youth and teen environment when it comes to fellowship?
I believe that the “church” is the body of believers everywhere. I also want to be a part of a local, organized group of likeminded worshipers.
Whew! May God give you PEACE as he continues to give you CLARITY!