Honor
In the last week we’ve reached the pinnacle of Honor’s naughtiness. He has gotten to the point where he absolutely refuses to comply with anything I’m telling him to do. In turn, I’ve tried anything that I can think of to get him in line. Tuesday I implemented a point system that Eden immediately took to. The kids have a list of chores (some mandatory and some optional) that they need to do to earn points. Once a certain amount of points are earned, they can choose a reward (like going to Chuck E. Cheese). They can also loose points for bad behavior. Eden has a whole bunch of points, Honor has none.
I’ve taken away all of Honor’s toys, he’s lost all his computer and t.v. privileges, and he still doesn’t care. There is no discipline that I give to him that he cares about. And, yes, it’s just me… for Jim he behaves. I don’t know what to do, I can’t allow him to completely disregard me, to completely ignore what I tell him. As it is, he’s putting himself and others in danger – today he disobeyed me and as a result Tuck got ahold of a large piece of fried chicken and ate the whole thing, bones and all. The other day Honor threw a CD at Eden and barely missed her eye.
I don’t know what to do other than watch his every move and be extremely consistent. He gets away with nothing, no matter how much he has worn me down. I don’t understand his behavior because he can also be extremely sweet and loving and I know is completely capable of behaving because he does it for Jim. I’m at a loss and I’m miserable and I don’t know what to do.
Category: Honor, ouch 10 comments »
June 8th, 2008 at 12:43 pm
He is 4 right? My 3 yr old can be like that, but my 9 year old is ALWAYS like that – it comes and goes in stages. I like it best when its going! LOL its hard, but in some ways boys are harder than girls when it comes to discapline. Both of my boys will be good for their dad, but for me – its a running joke to piss mom off and then go to dad to see if he agrees with me. he always does, but my point is – I think boys have to push mom especially to the point of breaking to find out where the limit really is. Both of my boys have found mine and they have both and a spanking – then they learned. I KNOW that is not for everyone, but strong willed kids sometimes need that exrta – swat shall we say. If they have pushed me all day and I am at the end of my rope, I start to count to 3, when I start counting they know when I get to 3 they are going to have a swat on the butt. I only do that for serious things, like if they can hurt others but at times if they get mildly hurt, they learn too….. It will get better A. Our oldest son at this point has no toys, tv, going anywhere we go and no friends. He is coming around – he is reading books, playing better with his brother etc. GOOD LUCK – I will say extra prayers for you!!
June 8th, 2008 at 3:05 pm
We’ve all been at this point with at least one of our children. And to be completely honest the way that I find an answer is prayer. Whenever I feel as if I’ve reached my end, I just pray and ask God for guidance and then He gives me a new idea of how to deal with the situation. Maybe Honor is like Hunter – the more we used to get angry with him, the angrier he became and naughtier he would act. With him and good sit down and a long hard talk along with a discipline usually does the trick. Hope this helps.
June 8th, 2008 at 3:36 pm
My son is 4.5 and we have just gotten to the end of this. He still gets very angry when he’s been disciplined, but he’s not as deliberately naughty as he has been lately. We went through over two months of struggling with his behavior–I totally understand where you’re at!
A friend with five kids told me that with all of her chidren she goes through periods like this every six months or so–usually around their birthday and half-birthday. And that this period lasts about 1-2 months. It happens a lot when they are about to hit a developmental spurt.
Anyway, with our son, it was partly just a phase (not that knowing that makes it easier!), but also giving him a lot of Daddy Time helped, too. I also tried introducing new challenges–he began doing more hands-on helping with Dad’s projects and I brought home some workbooks from Target (he loves workbooks. I have no idea where he gets it). Peter also got him started on the Lego sets for bigger kids. I found having him busy with new challenges helped his mood a lot.
Like Jill, I also found that once in a while a Talk with the discipline was helpful. Sort of, “The reason (this discipline) is happening is because you did XYZ, even though you knew it was naughty.” It connected the correction with the misbehavior more directly for him.
In any case, just keep doing what you’re doing. For me, knowing that it was just a stage was encouraging to me. I was starting to worry that I was raising a sociopath! He’s still not as cheerful and obidient as I’d like (are they ever?) but he’s at a place I can live with. Hang in there!
June 8th, 2008 at 3:39 pm
Uh, yeah.
Your two friends who have spoken are right on.
I think it is “normal” for a child to go through stages in which they defy mom, but behave for dad and visa versa. It is not normal if it continues. It must be addressed. It is normal for the parent to do something about it that causes it to cease.
Anger and harsh discipline are not the answer (as you know and as others have stated). If the child feels (s)he is merely being CONTROLLED; a power struggle ensues. Consistent, calm, love and logic consequences work best (and is anything a perfect cure? NO). Carrying through on known consequences in a matter of fact way is huge- no matter if the child seems to respond at the tome or not.
A couple of examples from when I had small children.
1) It is not necessary for the child to cry or admit to pain for a spanking to be effective- what is effective is that you carried through.
2) So, it follows that you, as a parent, do not have to escalate the punishment or consequence until you feel it hits home – just carry through with the established consequences in a calm, matter of fact way (get over it yourself and move on). It WILL sink in and be effective sooner or later (sigh).
June 8th, 2008 at 3:49 pm
Me again, tagging on to Sarah’s comment above. A child education expert once pointed out that very thing – that half years are difficult and often signal the child is ready for a new challenge.
Caution: as a parent you can run yourself ragged trying to “do it for him”, you know, find the new challenge, insist that he have self-control, etc. That (doing it for him) is often the bone of contention. No one likes to be smothered or controlled -no matter how much that one needs to learn and exercise SELF-control.
June 8th, 2008 at 5:33 pm
I knew if I wrote about a swat on the butt – It was going to be considered harsh. As far as ‘controling’ or have them feel controled – not all kids are the same and each one has his/her point of learning enough is enough. I know children that you can talk till your blue in the face and it wont change a thing. I also ‘talk’ to my kids and make sure they understand the disipline that is being implamented. I DO NOT make a habit of swatting thier butt to maintain ‘control’ of them. It is simply a way of getting thier attention when talking to them rationaly has failed- and at times it does fail. I have never spanked my child to the point of pain or crying, just to the point of realizeing that things have gone to far.
Sorry Allison if I have offended you – I will keep my comments to myself.
June 8th, 2008 at 7:03 pm
You know, I often have similar problems with Beau (not surprised, are you?) and I wonder if it’s because he needs more positive attention from me. I feel like I’m always telling him what NOT to do, and enforcing rules, but very rarely spending one on one time with him, where I’m telling him what a good kid he is, and positively enforcing his strengths. As mothers and housewives, (and women who hold down outside of the home jobs) it can be hard to find time to sit down and just focus solely on your children. Beau seems to behave at least a little better when I make that extra effort. It’s not a cure all, but it certainly doesn’t hurt. And amen to what the rest of the ladies said.
June 8th, 2008 at 7:27 pm
I think a good old fashioned SWAT is totally ok. God says, “Spare the rod, spoil the child”; so to Heidi, do not feel that you are in the wrong! I think that each child needs to be delt with differently. My daughter has always been eager to please, and required verry little discipline; usually a strong word is all it took. My son, however, is a completely different story. There is no ounce of reasoning or talking it out in him. I have to swat his butt to get his attention. Like Honor he is very sweet an loving, he just pushes, and he is VERY persistant and determined!
Allie, I went to a training for our school district on PBS, Positive Behavior Support. It was very helpful. I have some great ideas I can share with you. The jist of what they say is that behavior is something, like accademics, that must be learned and specifically taught. We can’t assume that students (children) know how to behave, so we have to explicitly teach the behaviors. To do this you first have overarching rules such as respect and responsibility. Then create a matrix (chart) that has locations such as toy room, bed room, Tangle, grocery store, ect. With Honor and Eden (or by your self) come up with how they would show respect and responsibility in each of those areas, then teach it IN each area.
I have not had the chance to impliment it in the classroom, but I went to a huge conference and saw how it was implemented in as early as preschool. If you are interested we can get together.
On a personal note: I completely understand… I have one too! Keep it up, you are a good mom, this is only temporary!
June 8th, 2008 at 8:37 pm
You’ve gotten great advice already, so I won’t try to add to it (although your kids are older than mine anyway!), but I just wanted to give you some encouragement. This too will pass, even though it might seem like an eternity while you’re in the thick of it. You’re doing great!
June 9th, 2008 at 11:08 am
Hey Brooke- do you want to teach a class? Because I’m interested too!